Mrs. Piggy Reviews: Coffee

I wake up bleary eyed and exhausted, memories of nursing the baby for half the night flashing through my mind.

Then I remember all 3 (or do I have 4?) of my children are well past the baby stage.

Vodka, that’s right, I was nursing a bottle of vodka half the night.

I reach for a coffee capsule and place it in the blessed machine.

One of the children’s bedroom doors open and what looks like an abominable snowman wanders out.

I take a deep sigh and hit the button on the coffee machine. It spurts to life and demands a rinse cycle.

I swear under my breath as I hit rinse, and the miraculous caffeine trickles out along with the rinse water, wasted.

Another door opens and I put a second capsule into the machine.

coffee capsules ready to make delicious coffee
The only reason Mrs. Piggy Reviewed coffee is so that she had an excuse to drink more of it..

A child mumbles something to me and I grunt back, hitting the coffee machine a bit too hard. The delicious aroma of coffee fills the room as my coffee pours into the dirty rinse cup, not the coffee cup that seems to be mocking me from it’s still clean, still empty position in my hand.

Another door opens and I look around in panic, how many damn kids do I have?

I can’t do this without caffeine. I grab a jar of instant coffee and a spoon, and shovel a handful of the dry flakes directly into my mouth.

I close my eyes while chewing the dry, almost toxic granules and attempt to ignore all of the voices and movement around me. I feel the coffee kick in.  Just a bit.  Now I have the brain capacity to figure out this damn coffee machine.

I rinse down the dry coffee with some wet coffee and make another one.

One of the Children say something and I look at him. It’s the abominable snowman. The caffeine must be working. He’s still a disgusting teenager, but now the hair that’s standing up on his head looks adorable, and I smile at him.

reviewed coffee capsules in a heart shape

Mr Piggy (who must have gotten up while I was chewing dried coffee with my eyes closed) smacks my butt as he walks past.

I don’t kill him.

Caffiene is pretty miraculous.

Mrs. Piggy Reviews:

Coffee. For when you can’t get your hands on your kids Ritalin tablets

5 stars


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Mrs. Piggy asleep on the couch with feather duster

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