Hello my chipper chinchillas!
Are you feeling bloated?
Do you need to lose a touch of weight?
Or are you just feeling flat? Sort of like a beached whale, laying there waiting for someone to push you back into the ocean of your life?
You’re not the only one.
Just by looking at the Pimp My Pigsty team, I can tell you that they need my help. And what better way for me, Bambi Dollinger-Tart, resident health, fitness and all round instaguru to make them better than to force them all to go on the latest internet diet?
WE QUIT SUGAR!!
Sugar is evil, so we all quit it!
Below is our weekly journal of our journey. Our Journeal if you will, my vivacious voles.
DAY 1
Bambi: I feel great! No sugar in my latte this morning, but that’s ok. Everyone knows that sugar will kill your libido and it’s not worth that sacrifice!
Philip Guava Tapeworm: Today is my meditation day. I only eat mushrooms harvested from the field of peace. There is no added sugar in the field of peace. I am at one with the field. Sugar is not necessary.
Mrs Piggy: As long as I have caffeine I don’t care if there’s sugar.
Skye: Yeah, I got this, everyone knows sugar sucks. Got my 10am frappuccino, ready for the sugar free day. Bamabi: frappuccinos’ have about 20 teaspoons of sugar. Skye: Shit, I’ll start tomorrow.
DAY 2:
Bambi Dollinger-Tart: I missed my afternoon blueberry muffin yesterday, but I can make this work for me! Today I will have a bowl of natural yoghurt with some fresh blueberries to hit that sweet need.
Philip Guava Tapeworm: Today I am protesting the deforestation of my neigbours back yard. I will forage my food as I peacefully protest. I don’t believe grass and dried dog food has added sugar.
Mrs. Piggy: Damn. Give me more coffee, I’ll be right.
Skye: All good, I’ll just grab a tub of strawberry yoghurt. This is easy. Bambi Dollinger-Tart: A tub of yghurt can contain up to 8 teaspoons of sugar. Skye: Damn.. ill start tomorrow
DAY 3:
Bambi Dollinger-Tart: I’m starting to miss my sugar. If I power through, I will feel better, and probably even lose some weight! I can do this!!
Philip Guava Tapeworm: Today I am teaching my natural living class. As a part of this I teach my students to cook fermented food that they grow naturally on their own bodies. Vagina coconut yoghurt and yeasty toe jam have minimal sugar.
Mrs. Piggy: I gave the kids and husband chocolate cake to shut them up. I drank vodka straight from the bottle. I’m pretty sure that’s got no added sugar.
Skye: I’ve got this shit. Ate great all day! Celebrated with a couple of cocktails with my bitches! Bambi Dollinger-Tart: cocktails can contain up to 15 teaspoons of sugar. Skye: Fuck it, I’m out. Have fun on your sugar free, fun free life!!
DAY 4:
Bambi Dollinger-Tart: I woke up this morning, and just for a second, my boyfriend’s face looked like a pink iced donut with a chocolate frog sitting in the middle. Just for a second. Then I woke up and ate my celery stick and had my joy free – I mean sugar free coffee.
sometimes you need to do the painful things to grow… and not get evicted
Philip Guava Tapeworm: Today is the day I visit my mother. She cooked up a lamb roast with all of the trimmings, and made a blackforest cake for desert. She talked of the effort that she put into making me this food, as she transferred the rent money for my yurt to my landlord. I ate the sugar (and the lamb) sometimes you need to do the painful things to grow and learn as a spiritual being, and not get evicted. Namaste, and I’m out.
Mrs. Piggy: Turns out even though there is sugar in wine, it’s not “added.” I drank wine for lunch. I’m not sorry.
DAY 5:
Bambi Dollinger-Tart: This is harder than I thought it would be, my delectable danishes. I can’t stop thinking of food. Of sugar laden food. It was supposed to be getting easier by day 5. The cravings should have ended.
Mrs. Piggy: Vodka for breakfast for the win!
DAY 6:
Bambi Dollinger-Tart: I licked a strangers shirt on the bus. It looked like a chocolate smear. It was not
Mrs. Piggy: Rum has no added sugar! Neither does mead!
DAY 7:
Mrs Piggy: I felt bad for Bambi. She obviously doesn’t know how to hack this “no added sugar” thing like I do.
I gave her a bottle of sugar cane juice (no added sugar!!) and a bottle of vodka. She’ll be fine in no time!
