A Dad Laughing at his own bad dad joke

The Best (or Worst) Dad Jokes on the Internet

Ah, dads.

They’re weird, sort of funny, and always there when you need them.

To help celebrate the Daddiness of dads everywhere this fathers day, we have compiled the best (or worst) dad jokes you have ever heard.

Don’t forget to show these to your dad. It will give him enough ammunition for the next three or so years.

Or maybe don’t show him… its up to you 😉


There was a man that got his left side cut off.

Don’t worry, he’s all right


A man walks into a zoo, the only animal was a dog.

It was a Shitzu.


Whenever she’s out of the room, your mum misses me. But her aim is improving.


Has your head exploded yet? We have more dad jokes to go..


You: Did you get your hair cut?

Dad: No, I got all of them cut


Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was intents


I was wondering why my frisbee was getting bigger. then it hit me.

The best and worst dad jokes on the internet

How do you makes holy water?

you boil the hell out of it.


Dad: Did you hear about that actress that was stabbed today? Reece something..

Poor sucker: Witherspoon?

Dad: No, with a knife.


Have you heard of the new movie about constipation?

It hasn’t come out yet.


You: How do I look?

Dad: With your eyes.

There you have it, the absolute best/worst dad jokes we could find for you! Does your dad know any of these jokes? Have you heard them 1 million times already?

If you’ve got any others, please let us know, we’d hate to miss out on your fathers favourite punny joke. Especially on his day of days..

Check out some of our funny quizzes if you’ve got a bit of time to kill

What are we on about here at Pimp My Pigsty? Check out Who we are, and what the hell we are doing.

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fluffy homemade snuggle from a jumpsuit

The Cutest, Creepiest Easy to Make Snuggle Your Kid Will Love!

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, one of the best things about those illogical, loud and really quite ridiculous things we call toddlers is putting them into a jumpsuit.

The second a toddler goes into a onesie, they seem to turn from demon child whose off switch and volume control buttons are jammed, to a fricken adorable demon child whose off switch and volume control buttons are broken.

Dad is cactus, but look how cute the onesie is!

The fluffier the onesie, then cuter the child becomes, and the better you get at dealing with the fact that they just coloured in the cats bum with a red Texta.

If your child is like mine (or if you are like me) they (you) will get sentimentally attached to those soft, loveable outfits.

But like it or not, your damn kids keep growing, and before you know it, their favourite outfit no longer fits over their chubby thighs (check out our sugar free tomato sauce recipe if you want to make your kids to fit in their clothes a bit longer 😉 )

So what do you do with that fluffy wad of adorableness when it no longer fits your child?

You turn it into the cutest, creepiest snuggle you have ever seen of course!

It’s as simple as turning the onesie inside out and stitching up the arm and leg holes!

you could easily use a sewing machine, but honestly you’d be finished before you set the machine up..

Make sure that you zip the zip up – but not quite to the top, as you’ll need to be able to undo it again, to turn the jumpsuit back the right way around after stitching up the neck hole. The neck hole can be a bit tricky to line up, so take your time and get it right.

Once you’ve finished sewing, unzip and turn it in the right way, before stuffing with bear stuffing, or hell, you can just use rags.

nawwww! a headless toddler! At least it can’t scream at you..

If you want to be able to open it and take out the stuffing to wash the suit (once your toddler tries to feed her new headless friend a chocolate smoothie) you’re finished, otherwise just put a few extra stitches in at the top of the zip (so the your toddler cannot open their new snuggle and leave a trail of stuffing through the house)

Don’t look in the background.. I have no explanation

I personally left mine unsewn, as I have plans of sticking some sausages in there on Halloween, and freaking the 3 year old out by disembowling her buddy in front of her ;-). we take Halloween very seriously around these parts..

Do you have a burning question that you would love Mrs. Piggy’s help with? Email her at info@pimpmypigsty.com, and let her solve all of your problems!

For more amazing DIY and craft projects, check some of them out here

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Ask The Pig: Husband’s Messy Wardrobe

Dear Mrs Piggy,

I need some help with my husbands wardrobe.
No matter what I do, he just messes it up!

His shoes are thrown in on the floor, he pulls out all his shirts and just stuffs them all back in. It’s a mess!

Should I get boxes or baskets for everything? What’s with that special folding technique that shows him all of his shirts so he doesn’t make a mess?

What would work best for a messy man that doesn’t seem to care?

Trying to Tidy,
Tin Can Bay


Dear Trying to Tidy,

The only box I recommend for this situation is a box of wine.

Let me run through a scenario with you: you go through a lot of effort to clean up after your husband as if he was an adorable yet foolish puppy that pooped in your shoe. He re-messes.

You get resentful and drink that box of wine I mentioned earlier, re-clean the cupboard, which he promptly re-messes the next time he really really needs “that black shirt with the thing from that shop you bought him 2 years ago”.

You then drink two more boxes of wine and quietly plot his murder.

And as far as I know they don’t let you have boxes of wine in jail.

It’s not your poor disheveled husbands fault that you got addicted to a show on Netflix and feel the need to kondo his life down to 3 shirts, two shorts and a pot plant.

I suggest that instead you go outside and relax with a drink – while you lecture your daughters on why it’s not a women’s job to clean up after a man continuously (and just for good measure, you should probably get your son to bring you another wine. You know, for feminists sake)

Let your poor husband be the uncouth, messy slob that he’s always been, even if it’s just behind the closed door of his wardrobe.

Love Mrs. Piggy

Do you have a burning question that you would love Mrs. Piggy’s help with? Email her at info@pimpmypigsty.com, and let her solve all of your problems!

See some more of Mrs. Piggy’s advice here

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Mrs. Piggy Reviews: Game of Thrones

Sex. Murder. War. Stab stab.

Stab.

Sex sex, dragons.

Sex with dragons?

Stab stab, die!

Repeat.

As a game, Game of Thrones is not particularly interactive or fun.

As a show, meh.

As a throne, well my couch is more comfortable.

I’d rather Brooklyn 99 any day.

Game of Thrones

✯✯

2 stars.

Do you have a burning question that you would love Mrs. Piggy’s help with? Email her at info@pimpmypigsty.com, and let her solve all of your problems!

Or read some other suckers people’s problems here

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QUIZ – Do You Drink Too Much?

Drinking, whether it’s day drinking, social drinking or blackout drunk drinking, it’s all fun and games until someone ends up jumping off the roof on a dare..

Or is that just my family gatherings, and daredevil grandma?

Nan-nan: “Do you double dare me?”

If you’re not sure if you’re hitting the bottle a little too much, or if you just want justification to drink a bit more, take out quiz below and see!

Do you have kids?

Did you have to go to work today?

Did you see anybody other than your reflection in the mirror today?

Are you unconscious?

Do You Drink Too Much?
POUR YOURSELF ANOTHER DRINK, YOU'VE EARNED IT!
You had to deal with people today. Whether they were miniature ones you made yourself, or the grown variety in an office, the store, or even worse, people in a social situation. In your case, there is no such thing as drinking too much! Pour yourself a double and hide under the blanket. You've earned it!
WHAT? YOU'VE HAD JACK ALL HUMAN INTERACTION ALL DAY?
Well, I'm jealous! On the plus side though, that means more booze for you! You have no-one to steal your drinks, and no-one to tell you that you drink too much. Guess that means that you don't drink too much, so crack another one and enjoy the peace!

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How to Store The One Hundred Gazillion Soft Toys Your Child Has But Never Plays With

It’s a fact of life, if you have children, your house will be completely and utterly overrun by squashy, fluffy, adorable looking, slobber catching, germ infested, matted with indescribable brown muck soft toys.

This monster is actually too big for this hack, but I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell the person that bought this for my kids that I HATE YOU!

What was originally the one adorable snuggle that you couldn’t resist buying before your darling babe slid out of your uterus is now a menagerie of toys, animals, made up animals, and weird shapes that are supposed to resemble catballs (I think.. that’s my best guess)

meow (I think)

There is no longer room for your child on their bed because a filthy unwashed (seriously, how much of a hassle is it to wash and dry these things?) hoarde of dustmite nests have moved in.

Even worse is when mice invade your home, gnaw through half of the toys and make nests with the stuffing under your child’s bed..

Nice soft toys you’ve got there.. Be a shame if someone were to chew half it’s head off and crawl inside of it…

What?  Yeah, that never happened to me either.. I was just saying that it would really suck if it did…

Lets be honest though, none of you are washing these dusty balls of fluff on a weekly basis – and if you are, in my (un)educated opinion I’m pretty sure you need a new hobby and a drink or two!

The best way to deal with this mess, is so simple, easy, and relatively cheap!

With this simple hack your children still have access to all of their loved toys, but even better, I can guarantee that within 1 week they will lose interest in pulling them out and creating chaos in your beautiful, tidy, pinterest worthy house!

Out of sight, out of mind!

It’s quite simple really, all you need is a beanbag case, and voila!  Instant beanbag without those horrible beads!

Get the kids loading it up, while you pour yourself a wine!

As an added bonus, this makes your beanbags easily washable!  Just take out animals and wash(wash the animals too if you still haven’t found yourself a good hobby)

The one thing that I hate the absolute most about beanbags is those clingy, lighter than air, defies the laws of physics white filler beans!  Now I ca be rid of those beans of the devil once and for all!

I think they like it (or like tackling each other until one of them screams like a banshee) who knows..

 

Want to read some more of Mrs.  Piggy’s genius ideas?  Click here

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How to Store Christmas Decorations

Well, that’s it, Christmas is over once again.

That means it’s that dreaded time.  The time to take down the tree.

farewell my pretty

The presents are all gone, the paper tossed away. The kids have even lost or broken half of their Christmas presents already, yet your old, faithful tree is still standing quietly in the corner waiting for you to tuck it away in that dark old cupboard for 11 more months (that actually sounds like bliss – add a bottle of white and a guarantee that the kids can’t find me, and the tree’s going to have a roomie this year!)

It’s quick, easy, and saves you so, so much time

Here’s where our Christmas bauble storage hack comes in!
It’s quick, easy, and saves you so, so much time (that you can then spend with a margharita or two, instead of fighting those tangled, evil lights from hell)

I’m sure you’ve heard of many different Christmas bauble hacks over the years, but none are quite like ours.

There’s the shoebox hack (but then where would I put my shoes?! A girls got to have priorities)

There’s the readymade, store bought, especially made for Christmas baubles box hack. But seriously wheres the fun in that?

Why buy, when you can make yourself (with $300 worth of craft supplies and multiple swear words)?

Of course, theres the just gladwrap your whole tree and put it away for next year trick (but if you did that, you’d miss out on the fights fun of decorating the tree with your family the next joyous holiday season)

I found this at www.awesomejelly.com, you should probably check them out so they don’t sue me or anything!

So here it is, my Piggies, my Christmas bauble storage hack in all its glory!

Step 1 to, step whatever.. find manky old cardboard box with questionable stains on lid, then add Christmas junk and you’re done.

Phew! I think you’ve earned yourself a drink!

You’re Welcome my Piggies!
Now go forth and remove any trace of the fat man from your house!

Love Mrs. Piggy

Think Mrs. Piggy is a bit of a genius?  You’re no the only one, she does too!  Check out some of her brilliant advice to people in need here

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Kid Craft: Firework Cards – Maximum Impact, Minimum Effort

Kids and craft go hand in hand, just like Gorillas and flinging poo.  They love it, it keeps them occupied, and everyone has a great time!  Well except for the poor sucker that has to clean it all up.

You guessed it, that zookeeper person is going to be you!  And this gorgeous, Pinterest worthy project requires glitter!

Mr Gorilla, fling the poo if you must, but PUT DOWN THE GLITTER!!

If you still haven’t run for the hills, let me tell you a bit more about what we’re doing.

They’re gorgeous, easy, cheap and you can pump them out in minutes, because let’s be honest, your kids will make 2, and you’ll be stuck making the other 18 of them!

As an added bonus, if you’ve left the Christmas card gig a bit too late, you can go ahead and call them New Years cards.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Bam!  instead of being a slacker who doesn’t get their cards out on time, you are now a trendsetter, celebrating the New Year with a bang!

Follow our easy AF guide to get those stupid things that you wish you’d never started made and out of your house in no time (I mean the firework cards, I think you’re stuck with the kids sorry)

Start with black cardstock, and lay them down on an old tablecloth – trust me, you want something on underneath these!

Get the kids to drizzle glue over them, then shake sparkly confetti and glitter on top.

Once the kids lose interest and start fighting over the fluff one of them just picked out of their belly button, you can go ahead and just draw huge lines of glue over the whole row, then sprinkle to your hearts content.  You’re pretending your kids did it anyway, so no need to be pretty or precise with your workmanship!

Think of yourself as a one man factory procession line, pumping these bad boys out! Also, ignore the kids, they’re probably just gluing the cat to the dog ATM..

We used these cards as little information notes for the body bars I made but pretended that my kids did as gifts.

Get crafty my Piggies and have fun!  And don’t forget to show us some photos of your finished product on Facebook or Pinterest!

Read more of Mrs.Piggy’s tips here!

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Christmas Gift Guide For Children – hints for people who don’t have thier own little terrors

Christmas.  The time for joy, love peace and cheer.

Unless you have children, then it’s the time for bribery, threats, sugar highs, and presents.

Oh my God, the presents!

Being a mother of 4 (or is it 5, I can’t remember) I always get asked by my non zookeeper/childwrangling frineds and family what toys and presents are appropriate for the little monsters.

So I thought I’d write this super handy list.  This is a NO list, a list of things I DO NOT WANT IN MY HOUSE! And it is especially for you lucky bastards childless people out there who are as yet unaware of how insane children’s toys can actually be…

‘And then his grandparents gave him seven candy canes, three chocolates, and a whistle before sending him back home’

If you’ve got kids, show this article to your family.  Tag your friends, leave it open on the shared computer, hell print it out and wallpaper your ‘cool’ childless siblings room with it if you need to.

Trust me.

** Obviously you can take this list any way you like.. if you genuinely hate the parents of the kids your buying for, go right ahead and buy everything on the list! I guarantee you’ll have your mortal enemy sobbing silently in the corner before New Years Day.

  1. Battery operated ‘noisy’ toys.  You know the ones, they say 5 phrases on repeat, or play one song continuously as soon as someone even breathes in the same room as it.  The toys usually say something like “educational” on the packet, but I can guarantee you that the only thing my child will be learning if The evil thing is in my house is that their parents know a lot of swear words.
  2. One or two toys from a ‘collection.’  Why would you do that to us?  Now my lovely little princess won’t stop talking/nagging/whining about getting the other 768 LOLhatchsquishmuffins, or whatever the hell those tiny, useless bits of plastic are.  Plus the small ones hurt like a bitch if you step on them.

    I mean, what are theses things? Does anyone know?
  3. Speaking of stepping on them,  Beading kits.  My Tweeny Twiny Twat head will make exactly three bracelets.  One for her, one for her best friend, and one for me.  Then the rest of the beads will be joyously scattered from one end of the house to the other, finding tiny crevices to get stuck in for eternity, or just chillin in the middle of the floor, waiting for my bare delicate foot at 3 o clock in the morning…

    Just like glitter, once these beads are in your house, they are there to stay.. Forever..
  4. Messy ‘board games.’ Whatever happented to good old ‘trouble’?  It only had handful of pieces, even the dice was enclosed so that my creative kids couldn’t remove it and create Some sort of violent, destructive weapon from it.  No, nowadays kids have games like “Pieface” and “Doggy Doo”  Am I going to tell you about these games?  No. Because they seem fun and hilarious – and they are, as long as you’re not the one cleaning diarrhoeal dog poo off the curtains, and pie cream out of the toddler who hates having bath’s hair.  And ear.  And nose.

    Looks tidy, right? There will definitely not be pie like handprints on the black suede sofa..
  5. Experiences that you expect us to come along to.  If we wanted to take our zoo to another zoo, we would just take our zoo to another zoo.  What we want is for you to take the monkeys, feed them, wear them out, then bring them back, (preferably asleep) all by yourselves.  Also it wouldn’t hurt if you left a bottle of wine for us when you went..

    Aww.. how sweet! Except that the second after this photo was taken, I bet the child decided he actually wanted to eat that apple himself, so he scaled the fence and attempted to wrestle it out of the deers mouth

There you go. Also don’t buy them lollies, buy me lollies – or better yet lolly infused vodka.

Happy Christmas shopping my Piggies!

Love Mrs. Piggy.

Thinking about taking the plunge, and having kids of your own?  Check out Mrs. Piggy’s advice on the subject here.

Do you like not having kids, and enjoy weird things like having spare time to do useless Facebook quizzes instead of wiping snotty noses?  How about finding out if you have the soul of an old timer?  Or seeing how healthy you are.

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Bambi Dollinger-Tart with a small selection of her makeup

Beauty Tips from Yesteryear – The Secrets Your Grandmothers Swore by

That they took to the grave with them.
Bitches.

Hello my glamorous gerbils.
Have you tried all of the latest fashion trends? Have you contoured your contours, highlighted your hairlines, and rubbed coconut oil all over your body until your as smooth, slick and slimy as a hagfish hurtling away from whatever likes to eat hagfish?

I don’t think anything would want to eat a hagfish TBH

Have you scoured the internet? Pinned ideas, saved links and shared tips with your equally glossy friends?
But you’re still ugly.
What went wrong? You copied the tutorials, injected the fillers and grouted over the skin folds, yet here we are.
Still wanting for more.
Still trying to find that one magic thing that will make you as glamorous and beautiful as me those classic photos of your grandmother.

I’m so pretty, even with my natural, windblown hair..

Well here we go, my vain velociraptors, I’m here to tell you the secrets of ye’ olden days.

How did they look so beautiful and smooth? How did they keep their looks and style through wars, depression, and most amazingly through lack of internet?

Tip 1 Cover your entire body and fool men into thinking ankles are sexy. Who cares how many stretch marks, wrinkles or fat folds you have on your upper thigh if no-one ever sees them.

Even a tablecloth or doona cover will do, as long as all flesh and fat folds are covered.. as an added bonus, you could probably fit a 6 pack of donuts in there too!

Tip 2 Olive oil. Not coconut oil. Who wants to smell like a chocolate crackle minus the chocolate, when they could smell like a nice roast lamb? Rub it everywhere my greasy geckos. It’s fantastic for hair, as a moisturizer, and even comes in spray bottles at the supermarket so you can get a nice even coat super fast!

Have at it, my pimply porcupines! And make yourself a salad while you’re at it. Your thighs will thank you (and me!)

Tip 3 Invest in a really old camera that won’t take a clear enough photo of the wrinkles. Then just tape that to your head and voila! Or snapchat filters… turns out women of all generations have figured out this beauty hack!

Mrs. Piggy’s already all over this one! A bit of a filter, a few snapchat stickers and you’re instantly beautiful! Oh, also click her if you want to see more of her stuff..

Tip 4 Don’t read (or look at at a phone or computer) it’s a tough ask I know, but a small price to pay to save yourself from those hideous forehead wrinkles. There’s definitely something to be said for the old ways of women being kept in their place and not being allowed to learn.

Tip 5 Be so ridiculously poor that you can’t afford food.  Who can be overweight, my skinny skylarks, if you have to share your one and only bread roll between yourself and seven children?

Share that with the fam, and still manage to gain weight, I dare you!

There, my haughty hamsters, you too can be as amazing and beautiful as myself your great great great grandmothers.

Now please, don’t take this information to the grave with you as those old bitches did.  Pass this information far and wide! Be a part of the sisterhood, not apart from the sisterhood!

Love Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Read more articles by Bambi here

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