Top 10 superfoods and how to Sneak them into Your Diet

By Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Hello there my Chipper Chinchillas!  We all know that we’re eating the wrong things, and living our lives the absolute wrong and most unhealthy way.

But how, you may ask, can we change that without disrupting our chaotic busy lives?

I know that in an ideal world we would all be able to harvest fresh produce from our garden and grind it up to make our own homemade flour, then bread (with quinoa of course.  You must know, my impressionable iguanas, how terribly evil wheat is for you, after all!)

unfortunately… we just do not have time to age our own organic limburger

But unfortunately in this day and age, we just do not have time to age our own organic limburger, or to ferment our own kraut.

To help you out, my devoted dachshunds, I spoke to our resident health and spiritual guru Philip Guava Tapeworm, and together we compiled a list of the top 10 superfoods that you need to eat to stay in top form, and how to sneak them into your (and any unsuspecting, but unhealthy family members) diets.

ONE: Turmeric – this stuff is amazing!  It’s full of antioxidants and is great for inflammation.  We’ve all heard of turmeric lattes, but if you can’t get to a café inhabited by hipsters, you can DIY at home.  The effective compound in turmeric is curcumin, which sadly your foolish body does not absorb well on it’s own.  To get the most out of your baby poo yellow latte, nutritionists recommend ingesting it with a fat, as well as some piperine.  In laymens terms, my gormless gorillas, add a spoonful of butter and a spoonful of black pepper to your latte and youre good to go!

TWO: Garlic – well my ravenous ravens, the word garlic should not be seen without the word bread behind it.. Eat up, my glutted gorillas!

ignore that health star rating. This is a superfood, and you should be eating at least 2 sticks a day

THREE: Anything fermented – kombucha, sauerkraut, yoghurt.  Theyre all winners.  What no-one bothered to tell you though, is that salami is a fermented food too!  Enjoy my carnivorous caterpillars!

FOUR: Cacao – it sounds like cocoa, looks like cocoa.  Just eat some chocolate, my exhausted echidnas, you’ve come this far..

if you want to be healthy, you know what must be done..

SIX: Berries – full of antioxidants and nutrition!  easy to eat fresh, easy to blend in smoothies, and you can even get them coated in chocolate.  I mean cacao.  Two superfoods snuck into your diet in one! Bam!

SEVEN: Tomatoes – full of amazingness, but especially lycopene.  Lycopene helps prevent some cancers, helps white blood cells and is just brilliant! And guess what?  The processed stuff usually has higher levels of lycopene!  Dip your garlic bread in some tomato sauce, make yourself that fourth bloody mary!  It’s for your health, my tipsy tarantulasEIGHT: Parsley – apparently it’s really good for you (vitamin K, and A, calcium, magnesium, potassium) and it’s usually in garlic bread.. just saying..                                                   

NINE: Eggs – think aboput it, these magic little orbs have everything in them to create and sustain a life.  Get that goodness into you, my healthy humans. (Either end should work too)

TEN: Insects – so full of protein, and so sustainable for the planet!  you probably eat a few spiders and bugs while you’re sleeping, so you’ve already got this one covered. Go, you triumphant termite!

get that protien power punch into you!

oops! FIVE (I may need some of this miraculous superfood.  It probably helps with maths too): Coconut oil/cream/water/everything!  Just look at the internet!  I think this stuff must be magic – it probably cures cancer and ADD, probably even autism!  A spoonful of oil in every meal should keep you fit as a fiddle, my corpulent camels!

Well that should do it!  Eat my top ten list of superfoods and I bet you’ll live to 100, my aging antilopes!

 

Happy eating, Love Bambi!

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I Quit Sugar

Hello my chipper chinchillas!

Are you feeling bloated?

Do you need to lose a touch of weight?

Or are you just feeling flat?  Sort of like a beached whale, laying there waiting for someone to push you back into the ocean of your life?

You’re not the only one.

Just by looking at the Pimp My Pigsty team, I can tell you that they need my help.  And what better way for me, Bambi Dollinger-Tart, resident health, fitness and all round instaguru to make them better than to force them all to go on the latest internet diet?

WE QUIT SUGAR!!

Sugar is evil, so we all quit it!

Below is our weekly journal of our journey.  Our Journeal if you will, my vivacious voles.

DAY 1

Bambi: I feel great!  No sugar in my latte this morning, but that’s ok.  Everyone knows that sugar will kill your libido and it’s not worth that sacrifice!

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today is my meditation day. I only eat mushrooms harvested from the field of peace.  There is no added sugar in the field of peace.  I am at one with the field. Sugar is not necessary.

Mrs Piggy:  As long as I have caffeine I don’t care if there’s sugar.

Skye:  Yeah, I got this, everyone knows sugar sucks.  Got my 10am frappuccino, ready for the sugar free day.  Bamabi: frappuccinos’ have about 20 teaspoons of sugar. Skye: Shit, I’ll start tomorrow.

DAY 2:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart: I missed my afternoon blueberry muffin yesterday, but I can make this work for me!  Today I will have a bowl of natural yoghurt with some fresh blueberries to hit that sweet need.

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today I am protesting the deforestation of my neigbours back yard.  I will forage my food as I peacefully protest.  I don’t believe grass and dried dog food has added sugar.

Mrs. Piggy: Damn.  Give me more coffee, I’ll be right.

Skye:  All good, I’ll just grab a tub of strawberry yoghurt.  This is easy.  Bambi Dollinger-Tart: A tub of yghurt can contain up to 8 teaspoons of sugar.  Skye:  Damn.. ill start tomorrow

DAY 3:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I’m starting to miss my sugar.  If I power through, I will feel better, and probably even lose some weight! I can do this!!

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today I am teaching my natural living class.  As a part of this I teach my students to cook fermented food that they grow naturally on their own bodies.  Vagina coconut yoghurt and yeasty toe jam have minimal sugar.

Mrs. Piggy:  I gave the kids and husband chocolate cake to shut them up.  I drank vodka straight from the bottle.  I’m pretty sure that’s got no added sugar.

Skye:  I’ve got this shit. Ate great all day!  Celebrated with a couple of cocktails with my bitches! Bambi Dollinger-Tart: cocktails can contain up to 15 teaspoons of sugar.  Skye: Fuck it, I’m out.  Have fun on your sugar free, fun free life!!

DAY 4:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I woke up this morning, and just for a second, my boyfriend’s face looked like a pink iced donut with a chocolate frog sitting in the middle.  Just for a second.  Then I woke up and ate my celery stick and had my joy free – I mean sugar free coffee.

sometimes you need to do the painful things to grow… and not get evicted

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today is the day I visit my mother.  She cooked up a lamb roast with all of the trimmings, and made a blackforest cake for desert.  She talked of the effort that she put into making me this food, as she transferred the rent money for my yurt to my landlord.  I ate the sugar (and the lamb) sometimes you need to do the painful things to grow and learn as a spiritual being, and not get evicted.  Namaste, and I’m out.

Mrs. Piggy:  Turns out even though there is sugar in wine, it’s not “added.”  I drank wine for lunch.  I’m not sorry.

DAY 5:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart: This is harder than I thought it would be, my delectable danishes.  I can’t stop thinking of food.  Of sugar laden food.  It was supposed to be getting easier by day 5.  The cravings should have ended.

Mrs. Piggy:  Vodka for breakfast for the win!

DAY 6:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I licked a strangers shirt on the bus.  It looked like a chocolate smear.  It was not

Mrs. Piggy: Rum has no added sugar!  Neither does mead!

Bambi and her fight against the evil sugar cravings

DAY 7:

Mrs Piggy:  I felt bad for Bambi. She obviously doesn’t know how to hack this “no added sugar” thing like I do.

I gave her a bottle of sugar cane juice (no added sugar!!) and a bottle of vodka.  She’ll be fine in no time!

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jade eggs in a bowl, ready for vaginal exercise and pleasure

Jade Eggs in Your Hoo-Ha: Not Just For Pleasure

Dear men, I love you, I honestly do. You are strong and manly, hairy in all the right places, and all round handy fellows to keep about, but this post is not for you.

Not unless you want to hear about women sticking things up their vaginas.
This post is for you, my wonderful warrior women.  It’s for you, my strong, smart sugar gliders.

It’s about how to cleanse your aura, give you feminine energy, align your doont chakras, tighten your pelvic floor, and make you feel very VERY good.

Jade eggs my enthusiastic echidnas.  You may have heard of them . Their incredible power is becoming more recognized and acknowledged by health wellness experts, yogis, and most importantly: celebrity bloggers everywhere.

empower your lady parts to take over the world!

The amazing practice, my wild eyed wombats, simply consists of an egg shape made out of jade.  According to the experts, all you need to do is get your hands on an egg (I recommend borrowing one from a good friend, so that you can share your womanly energy sauces), pop it in your baby cannon and feel the power!  You will be ecstatic!

The womanly magic will literally burst from your head!

sticking a large, solid, and very magical item up your pink panther will make you feel .. euphoric

Or maybe not literally, my cheeky Chihuahuas.  I’m finding it a bit hard to find any definitive answers as to what energy you will feel where, and what feminine power you will experience, but rest assured, sticking this large, solid, and very magical item up your pink panther will make you feel like you are a euphoric, ecstatic, electric eel!

And the exercise!  You can tighten, tone and shape up your meat wallet, all while empowering your clam!  You can stop the sneeze wee, and you can jump on a trampoline once again (though unless you are an eggxpert, with a lot of practice under your pants, I recommend removing the jade egg before using your vijayjay for any of the above activities!)

I asked my good friend, spiritual guru, and amazeballs co- pimp my pigsty writer Philip Guava Tapeworm for his take on this beautiful, spiritual and empowering trend, and this is what he thinks:

“I understand that I am not a woman, and therefore cannot fully understand the spiritualness that comes with owning a beautiful yoni.  I am in completely awe of the natural beauty of women’s internal organs, and the huge amount of power and femininity that they, and therefore you hold.

tapeworm ..consists of both male and female parts

As my spiritual animal is a tapeworm, which consists of both male and female parts, I do feel that I am partially qualified to speak of female reproductive power.

A jade egg, when prepared properly – charged in the sun, imbibed with natural goodness and life giving energy, can impart the most amazing esoteric amount of power to the wearer.

The practice of jade egg “wearing”, I believe is an old and divine tradition, first documented on a celebrity blog, by an amazingly spiritual person.  She wears long flowing skirts and flowers in her hair, so we know she is at one with the earth.

Beautiful, spiritual and strengthening. Jade eggs are for feminists.

According to her, ancient Chinese concubines wore them in ancient chinese temples, whilst doing ancient chinese slave like, prostituey things.  The omniscientness of it overwhelms me just thinking of it.
If you wish to feel the power, I recomend starting with a small egg, and only using it whist laying down.

Squeeze and release.
Enjoy.

Once you have mastered this movement, you can follow the egg and what feels right.  Follow your own path, do what works.  Perhaps you wish to take a page from some amazingly exotic and spiritual artists that I met in Bangkok and shoot it across the room!  In fact, if you shoot your egg out of a window, it can recharge in the sunlight while you retrieve it!

Nirvana of the yoni

Once you feel that you are in control of the egg, that your yoni and your soul are one, then you can move on to what I refer to as the nirvana of the yoni – the highest level of awakening and discipline that it is possible to feel by shoving a foreign (but amazingly spiritual) body inside of your body.

A true egg consists of the world. it has every item, both spiritual and physical that is required to create life.  What could be more empowering, cleansing and life giving, than placing a true (preferably fertilized) egg into your core? If a fertilized egg is too hard to come by, please at least use a free range egg.

Think of the chickens.

The power of life, the beauty, and even imperfection of nature touching you, giving you energy from the inside out.

You will of course need to take care and use your strength and control from crushing the egg.  This is life, in it’s purest and most natural form.

Bambi Dollinger-Tart working towards Nirvana of the Yoni, as Philip Guava Tapeworm prophesied

When not in use, leave your free range fertilized egg out in the sun to charge. This practice will no doubt purify and energize your egg, as well as increase the life and organisms thriving within your sphere of life.

Nirvana of the Yoni.
you will feel the feminine power, and you will become a strong and powerful goddess, even if you may feel slightly like a chicken.

Want to find out more about Philip Guava Tapeworm, or read more of his amazing insights?

Is Bambi Dollinger-Tart more your jam?  Here’s her bio, and here’s more of her articles.

Also, seriously, like us on Facebook.

P.S. don’t stick an egg up your doont. 

I can’t believe I have to write this disclaimer…

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heart in the sand for earthing purposes

The Pure and Natural Practice of Earthing

Namaste, my Peaceful friends.  Today I wish to speak to you all about the amazing, spiritual, esoteric, and downright scrummy movement towards earthing.
Earthing is the practice of being one with the earth, of feeling the spiritual bond that comes from our land, and drinking up the natural, innate and intrinsic energy that the worm poo squished between our toes produces.

For millions of years we have been evolving and growing with the earth.  We have been living alongside the dirt, natural compost and all of the amazingness that this brown stuff and the molten magma beneath it has given us.

Our feet, and therefore our soul touched the soul of the earth.

Our souls touched the soul through our soles, and it was beautiful.

Then one day man invented rubber, vinyl, plastic and spandex, and these products blocked us from sucking up the beauty of the world.  They blocked us from the electromagenticness that our bodies love and crave, and replaced it with man made currents.

 flesh eating bacteria to soak through into your bare feet
Those nasty AC currents- the ones that allow electricity to flow, and to power the device that you are currently reading this on, the insidious wifi, electricity, walls of your house, waterproof floors that prevent your house from flooding and allowing flesh eating bacteria to soak through and into your bare feet, are also preventing the intangible, yet amazingly positive DC currents of ‘earthing’ goodness from being soaked into your body.
A 15 minute barefoot walk a day on sand, grass or dirt is all it takes to feel the amazing effects of earthing.  You will feel fresh, revitalized and at peace – all because of the small shards of worn down coral and animal bones, and the subtle electrical currents that shoot through your feet.  You will feel amazing!  Try it for yourself! I promise just 15 minutes of your day doing this will make you feel like you have a had a refreshing 15 minute break from work, as if you had a chance to breathe cool fresh air, listen to the wind or the sea and just unwind.
     
Moisture is an amazing conductor, so make sure that you not only have your bare skin (be it feet or bum cheeks) touching the amazing healing constructive powers of the earth, but if you can get a natural fluid to assist, it will bring out and make better your earthing experience.
I’m here today to share with you how to earth inside for free.

How do you do this? Do not use anti perspirant deodorant, allow your natural body to do its natural sweaty, malodorous thing.  Lick the earth, feel the current and the flavor of the world on your tongue, healing every ailment that you can imagine.  Allow the urine to dribble down your leg, bringing a direct line of the nourishing, life giving current, right to the very center of your being.

A lot of people will try to sell you earthing products.  Everything from magnetic bracelets, to bedsheets, blankets and throws that you plug in to the powerpoint.  The theory behind this, is that you only plug it into the earthing socket of the point.  This point is literally “earthed” to the ground outside of your house to prevent electrocution.  These salesmen are capitalizing on this amazing, holistic approach to better health. I do not like people who try to sell you things, that is not what this world is about.  These lone Wolfe’s care more about money than they care abut you, that is why I’m here today to share with you how to earth inside for free.
dinosaur farts
Put your feet in a bucket of dirt.  It’s as simple as that.  This earth is exactly the same as the dirt outside.  Its brown, has worms and is made up of dead animals, rotting plants and dinosaur farts.
For a better, stronger experience, “plant” yourself in the dirt, rub it on your body and allow the amazing energy of our planet to soak in.
Of course the longer your dirt bucket stays away from the other rotting vegetation and molten lava, the more it will lose its magical electricity, so I recommend recharging it each night by throwing it in the garden, then collecting it once again the next morning.
 
Now you may get a few odd looks, sitting (or standing) at work bare footed in a bucket of dirt, some unenlightened employers may even ban you from doing so.  If this is the case for you, I highly recommend that you quit such a toxic work environment on the spot – your spiritual well being, and dirty feet are much more important than work, and material gain.  It will most likely even work to your favor, – as I always say, if you look after your spiritual self and love you for you, the universe will do the rest.   If you can no longer afford your house or shoes for your feet, you will be free to suck up the magic of the soil and earth all day every day.  You will feel absolutely amazing!

What can earthing help with you ask?
Well, you don’t need to ask, because the answer is everything.  Literally everything.
I understand that as we live on this earth, we are plagued by many different ailments, rotting lizard guts, and compost can help.
Depression? dirt is the answer
High blood pressure? you need an intangible amount of DC current from the ground
Fatigue? you need some nice pointy pebbles into your bare feet
Inflammation? roll in the grass and cat poo.
Diabetes? if you’re outside, far away from high fructose junk food, it’s sure to help – no insulin or “scientific” nonsense required
Alzheimer’s?  touch the concrete (yes, concrete is a conductor even though it’s man made – why? magic)
Arthritis? lick the soil
Cancer? don’t put those harmful man made chemicals in your body, eat some dirt, just make sure you bend down and take it directly from the source for a more complete and effective treatment..
Irritable bowl? go outside and lay in the grass – at least if you haven’t had enough earthing, your poop will go back into the earth, and become one with the energy. It may even come full circle and help another barefoot person to ground themselves.
Infertility? find a rabbit hole and put it in.  If you’re a lady it, unfortunately just as in the man made world, it is a bit of a patriarchy out there.  Wood is not a conductor, so you cannot find a perfectly molded branch at the right height for you to touch your womb.  Of course if you’re skilled at pottery you could shape a plinth of clay to bring the earth’s vital energy directly to the inner being of your life giving center. What could go wrong?
For more informative, spiritual and amazeballs articles from Philip Guava Tapeworm, Click Here
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