That they took to the grave with them.
Hello my glamorous gerbils.
Have you tried all of the latest fashion trends? Have you contoured your contours, highlighted your hairlines, and rubbed coconut oil all over your body until your as smooth, slick and slimy as a hagfish hurtling away from whatever likes to eat hagfish?
Have you scoured the internet? Pinned ideas, saved links and shared tips with your equally glossy friends?
But you’re still ugly.
What went wrong? You copied the tutorials, injected the fillers and grouted over the skin folds, yet here we are.
Still wanting for more.
Still trying to find that one magic thing that will make you as glamorous and beautiful as
me those classic photos of your grandmother.
Well here we go, my vain velociraptors, I’m here to tell you the secrets of ye’ olden days.
How did they look so beautiful and smooth? How did they keep their looks and style through wars, depression, and most amazingly through lack of internet?
Tip 1 Cover your entire body and fool men into thinking ankles are sexy. Who cares how many stretch marks, wrinkles or fat folds you have on your upper thigh if no-one ever sees them.
Tip 2 Olive oil. Not coconut oil. Who wants to smell like a chocolate crackle minus the chocolate, when they could smell like a nice roast lamb? Rub it everywhere my greasy geckos. It’s fantastic for hair, as a moisturizer, and even comes in spray bottles at the supermarket so you can get a nice even coat super fast!
Tip 3 Invest in a really old camera that won’t take a clear enough photo of the wrinkles. Then just tape that to your head and voila! Or snapchat filters… turns out women of all generations have figured out this beauty hack!
Tip 4 Don’t read (or look at at a phone or computer) it’s a tough ask I know, but a small price to pay to save yourself from those hideous forehead wrinkles. There’s definitely something to be said for the old ways of women being kept in their place and not being allowed to learn.
Tip 5 Be so ridiculously poor that you can’t afford food. Who can be overweight, my skinny skylarks, if you have to share your one and only bread roll between yourself and seven children?
There, my haughty hamsters, you too can be as amazing and beautiful as myself your great great great grandmothers.
Now please, don’t take this information to the grave with you as those old bitches did. Pass this information far and wide! Be a part of the sisterhood, not apart from the sisterhood!
Love Bambi Dollinger-Tart.
Read more articles by Bambi here
Take our health and fitness quiz and see if you know your stuff (it’s really short and simple, in case you’re actually a bit of a dumb-ass)