Moisturising Body Bars: Homemade Gifts Your Kids Can Make (That People will actually like and use!)

Everyone knows that homemade gifts are best. Making a gift (or forcing your child to do it) shows the recipient that you care, that you love them, and that you took the time to create something especially for them.

It also looks fantastic when you put photos of it up on Instagram/facebook.

But lets be serious here. If you get a 5 year old to make a gift, it’s not really something that anyone wants to display in their house (though if you must display kids art, here are some tips)

Why not get your children to make a gift that will actually be used and appreciated, and best of all, once it’s used it disappears, and will no longer be cluttering up your poor brother in laws house!

That’s where these amazing moisturising body bars come in!

What’s a body bar you might ask. Think of it as a hard moisturizing stick. Like a lip balm for your whole entire body!  And you probably have all the ingredients that you need already in your house! *

**if you’re a bee keeper or some type of weirdo that collects beeswax, otherwise go to a fancy candle making store, or grab some off ebay**

Moisturising Body bars really are quite simple.  All you need is 2 ingredients, then any scents/add ons you wish to include.

Cocount oil and beeswax in equal amounts.  That is all.

We also added some random essential oils I found in the back of my cupboard, and some fresh herbs from the garden (the kids insisted on basil in one batch, so good luck to whichever poor relative/school teacher that is going to go around smelling like some mutant chocolate crackle/basil combination for the next few weeks..)

I paired our body bars with some Firework gift cards that I (I mean my children) also made, click here to get the instructions

So here we go:

Melt the beeswax (PSA, when I first tried this, someone told me that you can melt beeswax with a hairdryer.  I thought this would be the safest, most hands on way for my kids to do it, so we gave it a go.  It probably would work if you had block of beeswax. 

I had small beads of wax.  The hairdryer blew them all. Over. My. House. The kids thought it was hilarious, I drank a big glass of wine..)

Put your damn wax in the microwave.

Depending on the size of the batch you’re making, go for about 30 second bursts.  Once its nearly all melted, put your coconut oil in too and give it another zap.  Your moisturising body bars are nearly done!

Add your little smelly bits (fresh herbs, dried herbs, essential oils, whatevs..) then pour into a mold.  Small silicone ones are best, but I’ve also used cookie cutters on a flat tray.

Just imagine that the hearts are up the right way, I can’t be bothered turning the picture around just for you..

Chuck it in the fridge to set (you should probs grab yourself a wine while the fridge is open, us mum’s are known for our multitasking skills after all)

Chill with your wine(s) for 20 mins then pop them out of the moulds.

Valentines/Christmas/birthday/I’m a pretentious mum that does craft presents hand made by the kids done!

pop!

Body Bars that feel so good to rub all over your dry, cracked body! Totally easy, and not in the least messy at all, I swear *

*Mrs. Piggy takes no responsibility for any of you fools that actually attempt this project with children.  Kids are monsters, and should not be given anything.  Ever, at all..*

We chucked them in some left over cups from the kids birthday party, and made some firework card information notes

waste not, want not. I’m environmental, not cheap…

** Also, as much as all the ingredients are food safe and non-toxic (I hope). I do not recommend giving these lovely, heart shaped coconutty smelling little morsels to your forgetful grandmother in the nursing home for Christmas.. trust me on this, you just don’t want to do it..

Love Mrs. Piggy


Want to see the firework cards that Mrs. Piggy used to label these bad boys?  Click here

See her other amazing kid related ideas

Or go for something completely different (it’s more fun than what you should be doing) and take our quiz and see if your kids think you’re old

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fluffy homemade snuggle from a jumpsuit

The Cutest, Creepiest Easy to Make Snuggle Your Kid Will Love!

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, one of the best things about those illogical, loud and really quite ridiculous things we call toddlers is putting them into a jumpsuit.

The second a toddler goes into a onesie, they seem to turn from demon child whose off switch and volume control buttons are jammed, to a fricken adorable demon child whose off switch and volume control buttons are broken.

Dad is cactus, but look how cute the onesie is!

The fluffier the onesie, then cuter the child becomes, and the better you get at dealing with the fact that they just coloured in the cats bum with a red Texta.

If your child is like mine (or if you are like me) they (you) will get sentimentally attached to those soft, loveable outfits.

But like it or not, your damn kids keep growing, and before you know it, their favourite outfit no longer fits over their chubby thighs (check out our sugar free tomato sauce recipe if you want to make your kids to fit in their clothes a bit longer 😉 )

So what do you do with that fluffy wad of adorableness when it no longer fits your child?

You turn it into the cutest, creepiest snuggle you have ever seen of course!

It’s as simple as turning the onesie inside out and stitching up the arm and leg holes!

you could easily use a sewing machine, but honestly you’d be finished before you set the machine up..

Make sure that you zip the zip up – but not quite to the top, as you’ll need to be able to undo it again, to turn the jumpsuit back the right way around after stitching up the neck hole. The neck hole can be a bit tricky to line up, so take your time and get it right.

Once you’ve finished sewing, unzip and turn it in the right way, before stuffing with bear stuffing, or hell, you can just use rags.

nawwww! a headless toddler! At least it can’t scream at you..

If you want to be able to open it and take out the stuffing to wash the suit (once your toddler tries to feed her new headless friend a chocolate smoothie) you’re finished, otherwise just put a few extra stitches in at the top of the zip (so the your toddler cannot open their new snuggle and leave a trail of stuffing through the house)

Don’t look in the background.. I have no explanation

I personally left mine unsewn, as I have plans of sticking some sausages in there on Halloween, and freaking the 3 year old out by disembowling her buddy in front of her ;-). we take Halloween very seriously around these parts..

Do you have a burning question that you would love Mrs. Piggy’s help with? Email her at info@pimpmypigsty.com, and let her solve all of your problems!

For more amazing DIY and craft projects, check some of them out here

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Sugar Free and Deliciously Easy Tomato Sauce/Ketchup Recipe

If you have kids in your house, you will understand when I say that tomato sauce is a food group all in itself.

If my youngest would have her way, she would just throw back ketchup, straight from the bottle for breakfast lunch and dinner!

But my freakishly loud, ridiculously adorable little monster is not going to do that.  If I wanted her hopped up on sugar all day, I’d just feed her all of my left over green skittles.

I can’t eat that much sugar in one sitting without either gaining 700kgs, having a sugar crash the size of a jumbo jet, or just straight up going into a diabetic coma.

So damn it, if I can’t do it, neither can the 3 year old!

That’s where this super easy, absolutely healthy and no (added) sugar tomato sauce recipe comes in!

2 ingredients, 3 steps and you’re ready to slather this sauce all over your kids favourite fish fingers and chips

(which thanks to this magic recipe, you now don’t have to feel guilty about giving your kids – woot woot!)

Ingredients:
pumpkin
tomato paste
seiously, that’s it!

step 1: steam pumpkin (I even did it with the skin on for added nutrients)
step 2: blend pumpkin and tomato paste until smooth – check taste, colour and consistency – remember it’s supposed to be tomato sauce here! add a bit of water if necessary.
step 3: make sure your little sugar addict is far far away from you, so they do not witness this deceit, and fill up an empty tomato sauce container.

If you’ve ever tried to fill up a bottle with a gloopy, sloppy ketchuppy mixture, you will know this is easier said than done!  For a simple hack to do this, click here!

You could wash off the label if you wanted to, but I’m going for the authentic, trick the toddler look here. Nothing in our house looks nice, and I do not want her getting suspicious!

There, you’re done! this should last in the fridge for around a week, but seriously, would a bottle of tomato sauce last that long in your fridge if you didn’t limit the kids access to it?

If you have a true sugar addict, maybe try weaning them off their sauce of choice.

Trust me, it sucks to go cold turkey off your drug of choice!  Try mixing half the real stuff and half your sneaky nutritious blend, then as the get used to it, up the healthy shit.

Good luck!

Love Mrs. Piggy.

Do you have a burning question that you would love Mrs. Piggy’s help with? Email her at info@pimpmypigsty.com, and let her solve all of your problems!

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How to Store The One Hundred Gazillion Soft Toys Your Child Has But Never Plays With

It’s a fact of life, if you have children, your house will be completely and utterly overrun by squashy, fluffy, adorable looking, slobber catching, germ infested, matted with indescribable brown muck soft toys.

This monster is actually too big for this hack, but I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell the person that bought this for my kids that I HATE YOU!

What was originally the one adorable snuggle that you couldn’t resist buying before your darling babe slid out of your uterus is now a menagerie of toys, animals, made up animals, and weird shapes that are supposed to resemble catballs (I think.. that’s my best guess)

meow (I think)

There is no longer room for your child on their bed because a filthy unwashed (seriously, how much of a hassle is it to wash and dry these things?) hoarde of dustmite nests have moved in.

Even worse is when mice invade your home, gnaw through half of the toys and make nests with the stuffing under your child’s bed..

Nice soft toys you’ve got there.. Be a shame if someone were to chew half it’s head off and crawl inside of it…

What?  Yeah, that never happened to me either.. I was just saying that it would really suck if it did…

Lets be honest though, none of you are washing these dusty balls of fluff on a weekly basis – and if you are, in my (un)educated opinion I’m pretty sure you need a new hobby and a drink or two!

The best way to deal with this mess, is so simple, easy, and relatively cheap!

With this simple hack your children still have access to all of their loved toys, but even better, I can guarantee that within 1 week they will lose interest in pulling them out and creating chaos in your beautiful, tidy, pinterest worthy house!

Out of sight, out of mind!

It’s quite simple really, all you need is a beanbag case, and voila!  Instant beanbag without those horrible beads!

Get the kids loading it up, while you pour yourself a wine!

As an added bonus, this makes your beanbags easily washable!  Just take out animals and wash(wash the animals too if you still haven’t found yourself a good hobby)

The one thing that I hate the absolute most about beanbags is those clingy, lighter than air, defies the laws of physics white filler beans!  Now I ca be rid of those beans of the devil once and for all!

I think they like it (or like tackling each other until one of them screams like a banshee) who knows..

 

Want to read some more of Mrs.  Piggy’s genius ideas?  Click here

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Christmas Gift Guide For Children – hints for people who don’t have thier own little terrors

Christmas.  The time for joy, love peace and cheer.

Unless you have children, then it’s the time for bribery, threats, sugar highs, and presents.

Oh my God, the presents!

Being a mother of 4 (or is it 5, I can’t remember) I always get asked by my non zookeeper/childwrangling frineds and family what toys and presents are appropriate for the little monsters.

So I thought I’d write this super handy list.  This is a NO list, a list of things I DO NOT WANT IN MY HOUSE! And it is especially for you lucky bastards childless people out there who are as yet unaware of how insane children’s toys can actually be…

‘And then his grandparents gave him seven candy canes, three chocolates, and a whistle before sending him back home’

If you’ve got kids, show this article to your family.  Tag your friends, leave it open on the shared computer, hell print it out and wallpaper your ‘cool’ childless siblings room with it if you need to.

Trust me.

** Obviously you can take this list any way you like.. if you genuinely hate the parents of the kids your buying for, go right ahead and buy everything on the list! I guarantee you’ll have your mortal enemy sobbing silently in the corner before New Years Day.

  1. Battery operated ‘noisy’ toys.  You know the ones, they say 5 phrases on repeat, or play one song continuously as soon as someone even breathes in the same room as it.  The toys usually say something like “educational” on the packet, but I can guarantee you that the only thing my child will be learning if The evil thing is in my house is that their parents know a lot of swear words.
  2. One or two toys from a ‘collection.’  Why would you do that to us?  Now my lovely little princess won’t stop talking/nagging/whining about getting the other 768 LOLhatchsquishmuffins, or whatever the hell those tiny, useless bits of plastic are.  Plus the small ones hurt like a bitch if you step on them.

    I mean, what are theses things? Does anyone know?
  3. Speaking of stepping on them,  Beading kits.  My Tweeny Twiny Twat head will make exactly three bracelets.  One for her, one for her best friend, and one for me.  Then the rest of the beads will be joyously scattered from one end of the house to the other, finding tiny crevices to get stuck in for eternity, or just chillin in the middle of the floor, waiting for my bare delicate foot at 3 o clock in the morning…

    Just like glitter, once these beads are in your house, they are there to stay.. Forever..
  4. Messy ‘board games.’ Whatever happented to good old ‘trouble’?  It only had handful of pieces, even the dice was enclosed so that my creative kids couldn’t remove it and create Some sort of violent, destructive weapon from it.  No, nowadays kids have games like “Pieface” and “Doggy Doo”  Am I going to tell you about these games?  No. Because they seem fun and hilarious – and they are, as long as you’re not the one cleaning diarrhoeal dog poo off the curtains, and pie cream out of the toddler who hates having bath’s hair.  And ear.  And nose.

    Looks tidy, right? There will definitely not be pie like handprints on the black suede sofa..
  5. Experiences that you expect us to come along to.  If we wanted to take our zoo to another zoo, we would just take our zoo to another zoo.  What we want is for you to take the monkeys, feed them, wear them out, then bring them back, (preferably asleep) all by yourselves.  Also it wouldn’t hurt if you left a bottle of wine for us when you went..

    Aww.. how sweet! Except that the second after this photo was taken, I bet the child decided he actually wanted to eat that apple himself, so he scaled the fence and attempted to wrestle it out of the deers mouth

There you go. Also don’t buy them lollies, buy me lollies – or better yet lolly infused vodka.

Happy Christmas shopping my Piggies!

Love Mrs. Piggy.

Thinking about taking the plunge, and having kids of your own?  Check out Mrs. Piggy’s advice on the subject here.

Do you like not having kids, and enjoy weird things like having spare time to do useless Facebook quizzes instead of wiping snotty noses?  How about finding out if you have the soul of an old timer?  Or seeing how healthy you are.

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Ask the Pig: Should I Pierce My Child’s Ears?

Dear Mrs. Piggy,

I have a 6 month old baby, and I don’t know what to do about their ears.

I think that earrings on babies are totally adorable, and I really want to pierce her ears.

My husband is totally against it.  He says its mutilating her, and what happens if she doesn’t want them later.  He says it will cause her pain for no reason.

But they will look SO ADORABLE!  I’ve already bought three pairs of earrings for her, and really really want to put them on!!

Should I pierce, or not?

Please Help,

Excited Mummy, Vancouver.


Read more advice from Mrs. Piggy Here 

Who is Mrs. Piggy, and why is she on my phone?

 


Dear Excited Mummy,

So you’ve gone on a shopping spree, and now want to justify your purchases by stabbing your child in the ears?  I say go for it!

Earrings on babies are adorable, and the sooner you get it done, the better.  If you wait too long, your baby will notice them and start tugging on those gorgeous earrings that you’ve lovingly bought her.  While earrings on bubs are pretty darn cute, giant earholes that you can fit a thumb through are not.

Eeeeewwwwwwww! Put that thing away!

If you want to dress your child up as a little doll, and change her outfit and earrings 4 times a day, you go right ahead and do it!  Why else would we mums go through the whole pregnancy/labour thing?  It’s for the customizable baby/toy we get at the end..

What I think you are really going to need help with is getting around your husband’s views…

If he was as sleep deprived as you no doubt are, I’d just suggest trying to convince him that the baby came out with holes, and you just put the earrings in to plug them up.. but chances are, he’s sleeping blissfully at night while your up with your doll/baby attached like a wet-vac you your boob. As you stare longingly at her earlobes.

Perhaps if you bribed him with sex.  But you have a 6 month old, so you’re probably covered in vomit and poop, and will fall asleep on top of him anyway..

What would most likely work with my Mr. Piggy is the old money gambit..  Show him the earrings that you’ve already bought, tell him how much they cost, then tell him you’ve lost the receipts and can’t return them.

If he’s anything like my clever husband, he’ll be insisting that you go out right now and get his darling angel’s ears painfully stabbed with a gun so that those expensive earrings won’t go to waste!

Give it a go, and good luck!

I hope this advice helps you make the right decision for your family.

Love Mrs. Piggy.

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How to Use Your Child To Get Out of Anything You Don’t Want to Do

Having children is hard, but let’s be honest, so is socializing.

Sometimes you just want to stay at home, curled up under your snuggly polar bear sized doona sipping on a hot chocolate (preferably spiked) while watching an episode of your favorite show for the seventeenth time.

If you have kids, you have a built in out!  This article is about how you can finally use your little spawn monsters for something useful!

Hooray!  If you’re anything like me, you’ve been waiting for this day for a long long loonng time!

Of course if you have children, the chances of you actually getting enough peace to drink your hot Kahlua with a touch of milk (lets be honest here) and laying peacefully still under your sloth like blanket is about nil anyway (feel free to check out some of these tips to keep the monsters out of your hair for 5 mins)

Anyway, I have compiled a list of kid branded excuses to get out of anything, from a birthday party, to work, or a dreaded dinner party with the in-laws.

Use at your own discretion:

“I’m Sorry I can’t make it, my child is”:

  • sick
  • teething
  • sleeping
  • a raging maniac when let out in public

“I’m sorry I can’t make it, my child has”:

  • head lice
  • gastro
  • no tolerance for your obnoxious child’s behavior
  • lost their voice from screaming at me all day
  • worms

“I’m sorry, I can’t make it, my child needs to”:

  • finish their homework
  • finish their chores
  • eat the broccoli on their plate that I told them they needed to finish before getting up from the table (2 days ago)
  • wash the dog, it has fleas
  • get their tonsils removed

And that’s how its done!  Use this list in good health, and good Baileys xx

Mrs. Piggy


 

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Mrs. Piggy Reviews: Kids Parties

I stand there, present in hand, nervously shaking as a loud dinosaur screeches in my ear.

The door opens and the volume goes up.  suddenly there are dinosuars (and one fairy princess) everywhere.  Roaring, screeching and wailing.  a small T-Rex begins violently yanking the present from my nervous hands, while the spinosuarus I birthed 8 years ago dashes past me roaring loudly, but completely ignoring the birthday monster (I mean dinosaur) standing at the front entrance.

T-Rex manages to get ahold of the present and runs off with what must have been about 700 hurricane making dinosaurs, leaving me shaken and shell shocked standing by myself in the doorway.

I peer inside the house nervously.  would it be acceptable to cut and run now?  I’m sure T-Rexy’s mum will notice my kid has arrived before he decides to go on a neighbourhood dinosaur rampage..  maybe I’d better say hi, just in case.

Hello!?  I call out as I step into the crepe papered jungle.  A green streamer tickles the back of my neck as what sounds like a triceratops being BBQued alive wails eerily in the empty hallway.

I step over a mountain of discarded wrapping paper, noting a scrunched up piece of the ridiculously expensive wrap I spent approximately 3 hours taping around the birthday boys pretentious present off his pretentious gift registry.

I turn a corner and see what must be a life sized brontosaurus with its head sticking out a window.

 

Still no adults.  Or little dinosaurs for that matter.

“Hello?”  I call again.

A scream.

It came from out the back.  I head through to the door.

I take a quick look around, two adults dressed in khacky green dinosaur suits.  Are they the parents?

three fights, one crying toddler… but no other tall people

I look the other way, three fights, one crying toddler, what looks like an upturned bowl of something brown and gooey, but no other tall people.

I look back to the dinosaurs.  one is clutching a beer bottle like his life depended on it, the other is looking from one child to the next with a look of abject terror on her face.

Yep they’re the parents.  A twinge of sympathy comes over me.  giant themed party with only two adults.  Rookie mistake.

Maybe I should stay and help them.  A loud and familiar scream pierces my ears, and my little spinosorous runs past holding something that looks suspiciously like a childs asthma puffer.

Nope, I’m out of here.

I wave towards the beer holding dinosaur, he’s my best bet for a quick escape.

I point from my young dinosaur progeny to my watch.  “Got to go”  I mouth.  “back at 5.”

Then before beerosauraus can start lumbering towards me I turn tail and run as fast as I can.

 

Kids parties, the first few minutes are a mixture of fear and adrenaline, but then you get to abandon even your own children and go to the bar for a few hours.

✯✯✯✯

4 stars.

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Cheap and Cheerful Activities to Keep Older Children Occupied

Hi there my fellow exhausted mummas.

It’s school holidays here at the moment, so I currently have about seven hundred and sixty three children at my house.

I think most of them are mine.

Anyway, who doesn’t love school holidays.  Parents that’s who!

I always have an exhaustive repetoure of activities for the toddlers and ankle biters of the family, but every school holidays its like I have to dig down to the furtherest, dustiest corner of my shell schocked, screamed out mind to come up with ways to occupy the school dwellers and keep the peace.

This time I thought I’d make a list, so here goes, cheap and cheerful ways to occupy the big kids:  I hope it helps out at your den of chaotic bedlam as much as it does in mine.


Everyone knows the old bribery trick.  “Be good and you’ll get a treat”

The older the kids get, the more expensive this method can be, and if you have more than a few kids, this will bankrupt you by the end of the first week of the holidays.

Instead of bribing each of your children, I find it so much cheaper, and so much easier to just bribe one child.

Create a “snitch” if you will.

By bribing your way into your little informants heart (wallet) you can effectively create peace and harmony (or a well ordered and quiet military state) for a much cheaper price.


Just lock them out of the house.

If you’re worried about them leaving the perimeter and causing chaos on the streets, tell them its a fun game/group exercise.  They must work together to find their way back into the house.

An outside child is a quiet child. If you lock the doors and turn your music on

MAKE SURE YOU ESTABLISH SOME GROUND RULES FIRST!

All attempts must be quiet, they must avoid witnesses (no-one wants police knocking on their door while sipping their peaceful, blissful kid free wine in the bathtub) and make sure the kids don’t do any damage.

Breaking a window to get into the house is so unimaginative.  You want to be raising cat burglars here, not common thugs.

That should do it really.

Otherwise just give them their devices and a bag of chips, it’s what you all really want anyway…

Good luck, and much wine to you all XX

Mrs. Piggy

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How to Get Rid of Head Lice

Without using harsh chemicals and stinging products

 

BURN THEM! BURN THEM ALL!!!

Burn the house down.  Leave no forwarding address, those bastards are cunning!

Swap your children for bald ones, do whatever you need to do!

No-one will judge you.

-Mrs. Piggy

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