Ask The Pig: Husband’s Messy Wardrobe

Dear Mrs Piggy,

I need some help with my husbands wardrobe.
No matter what I do, he just messes it up!

His shoes are thrown in on the floor, he pulls out all his shirts and just stuffs them all back in. It’s a mess!

Should I get boxes or baskets for everything? What’s with that special folding technique that shows him all of his shirts so he doesn’t make a mess?

What would work best for a messy man that doesn’t seem to care?

Trying to Tidy,
Tin Can Bay


Dear Trying to Tidy,

The only box I recommend for this situation is a box of wine.

Let me run through a scenario with you: you go through a lot of effort to clean up after your husband as if he was an adorable yet foolish puppy that pooped in your shoe. He re-messes.

You get resentful and drink that box of wine I mentioned earlier, re-clean the cupboard, which he promptly re-messes the next time he really really needs “that black shirt with the thing from that shop you bought him 2 years ago”.

You then drink two more boxes of wine and quietly plot his murder.

And as far as I know they don’t let you have boxes of wine in jail.

It’s not your poor disheveled husbands fault that you got addicted to a show on Netflix and feel the need to kondo his life down to 3 shirts, two shorts and a pot plant.

I suggest that instead you go outside and relax with a drink – while you lecture your daughters on why it’s not a women’s job to clean up after a man continuously (and just for good measure, you should probably get your son to bring you another wine. You know, for feminists sake)

Let your poor husband be the uncouth, messy slob that he’s always been, even if it’s just behind the closed door of his wardrobe.

Love Mrs. Piggy

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What to do with your left over wine bottles

We’ve all been there. A big Weekend goes by, and suddenly you have a few extra empty wine bottles laying around..

Just a quiet weekend in by myself..

But what can you do with these large, (sadly) empty vessels that have already given you so much joy in their short, short lives?

You could always melt candles in them, but really, are you a cheap Italian knock off restaurant?

That’s amore

You could grow plants in them, but then you’d just have a jungle of a house and everybody would know how cheap of an alcoholic you actually are (cheers to the $4 bottle of red!)

My simple, easy, environmental solution will have you all cheering from the rooftops for it’s ingenuity!

No-one in the world of DIY crafters – in the world of spending $380 on craft supplies to make a substandard decor item that can be bought for $29.95 has ever thought of this!

this is what to do with your left over wine bottles

Just throw your damn empty bottles in the recycle bin!

As an added bonus that clears up more space in your house for more important things.

Like wine bottles that actually have wine in them!

Salut!

Love Mrs. Piggy.

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How to Store The One Hundred Gazillion Soft Toys Your Child Has But Never Plays With

It’s a fact of life, if you have children, your house will be completely and utterly overrun by squashy, fluffy, adorable looking, slobber catching, germ infested, matted with indescribable brown muck soft toys.

This monster is actually too big for this hack, but I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell the person that bought this for my kids that I HATE YOU!

What was originally the one adorable snuggle that you couldn’t resist buying before your darling babe slid out of your uterus is now a menagerie of toys, animals, made up animals, and weird shapes that are supposed to resemble catballs (I think.. that’s my best guess)

meow (I think)

There is no longer room for your child on their bed because a filthy unwashed (seriously, how much of a hassle is it to wash and dry these things?) hoarde of dustmite nests have moved in.

Even worse is when mice invade your home, gnaw through half of the toys and make nests with the stuffing under your child’s bed..

Nice soft toys you’ve got there.. Be a shame if someone were to chew half it’s head off and crawl inside of it…

What?  Yeah, that never happened to me either.. I was just saying that it would really suck if it did…

Lets be honest though, none of you are washing these dusty balls of fluff on a weekly basis – and if you are, in my (un)educated opinion I’m pretty sure you need a new hobby and a drink or two!

The best way to deal with this mess, is so simple, easy, and relatively cheap!

With this simple hack your children still have access to all of their loved toys, but even better, I can guarantee that within 1 week they will lose interest in pulling them out and creating chaos in your beautiful, tidy, pinterest worthy house!

Out of sight, out of mind!

It’s quite simple really, all you need is a beanbag case, and voila!  Instant beanbag without those horrible beads!

Get the kids loading it up, while you pour yourself a wine!

As an added bonus, this makes your beanbags easily washable!  Just take out animals and wash(wash the animals too if you still haven’t found yourself a good hobby)

The one thing that I hate the absolute most about beanbags is those clingy, lighter than air, defies the laws of physics white filler beans!  Now I ca be rid of those beans of the devil once and for all!

I think they like it (or like tackling each other until one of them screams like a banshee) who knows..

 

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How to Store Christmas Decorations

Well, that’s it, Christmas is over once again.

That means it’s that dreaded time.  The time to take down the tree.

farewell my pretty

The presents are all gone, the paper tossed away. The kids have even lost or broken half of their Christmas presents already, yet your old, faithful tree is still standing quietly in the corner waiting for you to tuck it away in that dark old cupboard for 11 more months (that actually sounds like bliss – add a bottle of white and a guarantee that the kids can’t find me, and the tree’s going to have a roomie this year!)

It’s quick, easy, and saves you so, so much time

Here’s where our Christmas bauble storage hack comes in!
It’s quick, easy, and saves you so, so much time (that you can then spend with a margharita or two, instead of fighting those tangled, evil lights from hell)

I’m sure you’ve heard of many different Christmas bauble hacks over the years, but none are quite like ours.

There’s the shoebox hack (but then where would I put my shoes?! A girls got to have priorities)

There’s the readymade, store bought, especially made for Christmas baubles box hack. But seriously wheres the fun in that?

Why buy, when you can make yourself (with $300 worth of craft supplies and multiple swear words)?

Of course, theres the just gladwrap your whole tree and put it away for next year trick (but if you did that, you’d miss out on the fights fun of decorating the tree with your family the next joyous holiday season)

I found this at www.awesomejelly.com, you should probably check them out so they don’t sue me or anything!

So here it is, my Piggies, my Christmas bauble storage hack in all its glory!

Step 1 to, step whatever.. find manky old cardboard box with questionable stains on lid, then add Christmas junk and you’re done.

Phew! I think you’ve earned yourself a drink!

You’re Welcome my Piggies!
Now go forth and remove any trace of the fat man from your house!

Love Mrs. Piggy

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Kid Craft: Firework Cards – Maximum Impact, Minimum Effort

Kids and craft go hand in hand, just like Gorillas and flinging poo.  They love it, it keeps them occupied, and everyone has a great time!  Well except for the poor sucker that has to clean it all up.

You guessed it, that zookeeper person is going to be you!  And this gorgeous, Pinterest worthy project requires glitter!

Mr Gorilla, fling the poo if you must, but PUT DOWN THE GLITTER!!

If you still haven’t run for the hills, let me tell you a bit more about what we’re doing.

They’re gorgeous, easy, cheap and you can pump them out in minutes, because let’s be honest, your kids will make 2, and you’ll be stuck making the other 18 of them!

As an added bonus, if you’ve left the Christmas card gig a bit too late, you can go ahead and call them New Years cards.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Bam!  instead of being a slacker who doesn’t get their cards out on time, you are now a trendsetter, celebrating the New Year with a bang!

Follow our easy AF guide to get those stupid things that you wish you’d never started made and out of your house in no time (I mean the firework cards, I think you’re stuck with the kids sorry)

Start with black cardstock, and lay them down on an old tablecloth – trust me, you want something on underneath these!

Get the kids to drizzle glue over them, then shake sparkly confetti and glitter on top.

Once the kids lose interest and start fighting over the fluff one of them just picked out of their belly button, you can go ahead and just draw huge lines of glue over the whole row, then sprinkle to your hearts content.  You’re pretending your kids did it anyway, so no need to be pretty or precise with your workmanship!

Think of yourself as a one man factory procession line, pumping these bad boys out! Also, ignore the kids, they’re probably just gluing the cat to the dog ATM..

We used these cards as little information notes for the body bars I made but pretended that my kids did as gifts.

Get crafty my Piggies and have fun!  And don’t forget to show us some photos of your finished product on Facebook or Pinterest!

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How to Make your House “Pinstaworthy”

Pinterest and Instagram houses.

Oh, they’re so beautiful! They’re styled and polished, they’re dust free, and modern.
Not like your filthy, mismatched jumble sale of a house.  Take a look around, past the clutter and debris.  Do you want to live like this?  Really?

Of course you don’t!  If you had the choice you would live inside the hallowed walls of instragram itself!  Shiny and new!  Your books would all be blank (and facing the wrong way anyway)

good luck finding the book you were looking for. But at least it looks good..

If you could, your entire house would look like a snowstorm covered everything in a crisp white blanket, then the pastel fairy came and vomited a few neutral tones on some strategically placed throw cushions.

short of printing up a large picture and .. taping it to the inside of your windows to fool your neighbours

Yes, pinterest is your best friend, and although you have 681 boards set up on how you want to style your living room, short of printing up a large picture of your favorite setting and taping it to the inside of your windows to fool your neighbours, you just can’t figure out how to style your house quickly, easily and cheaply.

Luckily I have devised a step by step plan to help get you the most “pinstaworthy” house on the block!

The fisrt step is to look at the pictures you want to emulate.  What is in them that you love?  What do you need in your home?

I’ll break it down for you: you want clean, tidy, minimalist, fantastic angles, and perhaps even a sneaky filter here and there.

You’ve got this, so here goes:

Clean – Instahouses don’t have anything personal in them, so throw out all of your treasured belongings.  Souveniers, gifts from the grandkids..  none of that stuff matches, so toss it all!

Your dead Aunt Agatha’s bobble head collection may be the last thing you have to remember her by, but they don’t match the cushions, so they’ve got to go!

If you are the sentimental type, you may keep one black and white photo of your family.  Posed, not having fun (unless it’s a posed ‘fake fun’ kind of photoshoot, you may possibly be able to get away with that)  After all, who needs a picture to remember your fantastic holiday, when you can have a picture of your family blankly sitting.  Just like they do in front of the TV with you every single night..

Tidy – this is just like clean.  If you have kids, the only way is to throw a blanket over the top of everything.  [soliloquy id=”3778″]

I highly recommend the use of caution tape over their doors to make it look like some sort of crime scene.   This is very effective at keeping guests out, and lets be honest, kids rooms are basically crime scenes (or in the very least hazardous waste sites) at the best of times.

If you really need to tackle this, feel free to read our instant decluttering tips.

Minimalist – Declutter, declutter! And stop buying things!  Except for wine.  You can drink that, then throw the bottles away, so that’s not clutter at all!

Fantastic angles – everyone knows the trick to taking a great photo for social media is all in the angles. I find handing all guests a pair of horse blinkers as they enter your house is a great way to ensure that they don’t see the mismatched furniture I’ve pushed off to the sides.  Otherwise if you have some unruly guests that just refuse to wear their tack, you can always just stuff all of your belongings quickly into cupboards so that people cannot see that your house is actually inhabited by real people.

“Blinkers” or “blinders” as they are commonly known are a pain to wrestle onto houseguests, but really are worth the time it takes!

Filters – Yes, pinterest and Instagram have filters to help their spaces look lovely and glossy.  Have you ever seen a scratch in a floorboard?  How about a texta mark on a child’s desk while flicking through your virtual accounts?

Have you ever seen an unscratched floorboard or an unmarked child’s anything in real life?  If you want to achieve the filtered look in your own home there are a few ways that this little styling hack can be simulated.  Firstly make the room as dark as possible – ensure all blinds are closed.  Turn your diffuser on, get yourself a smokey, misty, lemony haze in the room.  It’s actually a very little known fact, but lemon essential oil has been known to cause a slight psychedelic effect.

If you’re lucky it might just smooth the leftover crumbs right off of your unwiped coffee table.  Or have your guests seeing large spiders crawling up the walls.  Either way, they won’t notice the pile of plastic gaudily colored toys that your uncouth children insist on playing with.

Altering the perceptions of your houseguests really is an underutilized method of avoiding tidying before company

I hope these tips have helped inspire you to create the house of your dreams!  Please tell me how they work for you, and perhaps even post some photos of finished rooms to inspire others on their journey to pinstavarna!

Love Mrs. Piggy.


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Surprising Things You Can Put in the Dishwasher

Ah, the dishwasher, it’s a magical, mystical, amazing device.

Dirty plates go in, clean ones come out.  All while I sip on a margarita and pretend to listen to my children.

But did you know that you are probably under utilizing this amazing, time saving appliance?

There is so much that the humble dishwasher can do for you, giving you so much more free time.  Or at least giving you the smugness of knowing that you’re cleaning something that you would never ever usually clean.  You know, so that you can casually point out how sparkly your kids lego is the next time you have company over..

Anyway, chuck these things in and get yourself a drink:

  • small rubbish bins/wastebaskets – especially bathroom ones.  Who wants to scrub out earwax, old bandaid residue, and the sticky remnants of a man’s bad aim?  Seriously chuck that nastiness in your magical washing box (no, not that one, though it is self cleaning too so I’ve been told..)
    • Those spots aren’t water.. Let the dishwasher deal with the men in your lives bad aim..
  • fridge and oven shelves, microwave turntables.  Especially good if you have an extra large dishwasher, and tiny oven.  Otherwise you might just have to eat takout every night to keep your oven clean instead..
  • oh dishwasher, I love you almost as much as my liquor cabinet. Oh, and kids, and husband and stuff too I guess..
  • hairbrushes and accessories.  They get so nasty and gunky!   And that’s assuming your family is not currently infested with the devil himself’s evil miniature legion, also known as headlice (if you are in the midst of a war, we’ve got you covered with a simple, easy and chemical free way to deal with nits here)
  • [soliloquy id=”3736″]
  • kids toys – if they’re small like lego put them in a mesh bag, if they’re big like the baby doll that my toddler gave blackface to with a sharpie, just chuck it in the top shelf.
  • oops! I was wondering where that got to.. it’s dishwasher safe too though, so just chuck it all in!
  • sponges.  No they won’t melt into a gunky plastic mess… well, I don’t think so.  The internet told me it was cool… PSA here, I got lazy and haven’t tried most of the next few ‘tips’.  Google, I love you XX
  • shoes – yeah, why not… thanks again internet, because no-one has a washing machine..
  • potatoes – buy the dirty ones to save a few cents, then waste those few cents on water and electricity..
  • bath toys.  Those things get NASTY!! in fact, BRB, I’m going to chuck the kids toys in right now!  If only I could put my whole bathroom (preferably kids and all) into the dishwasher..
  • cook food in it, because there are so many people out there that own a dishwasher but are lacking an oven… umm.. go home internet, you’re drunk..
  • clean sex toys – good for a between use spruce, or fantastic if you just picked up a second-hand one from the local garage sale..
  • hubcaps, because I know a shiny hubcap is extremely high on my priority list..
  • and by far my favourite:  flavor infused vodka!  Ok internet, you have redeemed yourself.  You can go and make more cat vieos now..

There you have it!  Go get cleaning!  Or Drinking.  Or whatever.

I’m not your mum… and even if I was you probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway…

Love Mrs. Piggy

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Simple Hacks to Keep Your House Clean

Cleaning the house.  It’s one of those jobs that (some) people say you need to do.

It’s also one of those jobs that, guaranteed as soon as you do, someone will come along and undo.  Case in point, my toilet bowl.  No sooner than it is sparkling clean, one of my boys feels the need to empty the contents of his entire bowel (and possibly the dogs bowel too by the look and smell of it) directly onto the porcelain.

And if it’s not the damn kids, it’s nature doing the dirtying for you.  Dust the house, and two seconds later mother nature laughs uproaresly at your puny efforts, and blows a dust storm through your living room.

looks like mother nature’s driving a red Ford these days… The bitch.

Yeah, it sucks.  But if you want your lounge to resemble a whitewashed Instagram post, and your kitchen to look like pinterest and Kmart went and made sweet sweet love in one of Ikeas showroom bedrooms, you’ve got to do it.

Here are some of my handy hints and tips to keep your house clean with minimum fuss and effort:

  • keep cleaning products near dirty hotspots.  I have an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, so along with spare shower gel and toothpaste in each, I have multipurpose cleaner, jif, toilet cleaner, paper towel and a scourer.  That way when I’m brushing my teeth in the morning (or hiding from the toddler in the afternoon) I can do what needs to be done: wipe down the sink, give the toilet a clean, sob quietly in the corner, scrub out the shower etc.
  • get your dishwasher on schedule to suit you.  I don’t wait until its full, and I don’t wait until nighttime.  I turn my dishwasher on in the early afternoon.  That way it’s ready to unload while I’m cooking dinner.  Unload, reload, cook dinner, swear under my breath at toddler, help kids with homework, drink wine, hold conversation with Mr. Piggy, drink more wine, burn dinner, swear out loud, tell toddler to stop saying swear words… you know, all of the usual multitasking mum stuff..
  • get a large microfiber broom/Swiffer thing.  Run it across your floor every day. it takes 2 minutes, and is especially good if you have wooden floors as it gives them a light polish as you go. If there are any sticky patches, or little accidents on the floor once you’ve swept up the mess, spray the pad with some multipurpose cleaner and give it another once over.  Works every time. Well, except for the toddler.  I’m pretty sure that accident is here to stay..
  • My microfiber mop is actually nicer looking than this one, but I can’t be bothered getting up to take a photo of it, so enjoy this stock photo instead..
  • Have a designated toy room. Do not let children remove toys from that room, no matter what.  You might think this is hard to do, but it’s really not.  All you need is a big enough house, and obedient kids.  Who doesn’t have that?  Seriously guys, get your act together.
  • distill your cleaning products into trendy looking dark brown bottles and leave them laying around your house.   This has the double effect of saving you from actually having to buy ornaments and furnishings, while also giving the illusion that you do actually clean your house.
  • They just look so damn pretty, who cares if you actually use them
  • baby wipes are your friend.  Stash them around the house and use them for every fricken thing.  Dusting, spills, kids faces after they ate the dogs food, the tumbleweed of hair that you just discovered under your bed, and that other indescribable thing that you just discovered under the teenagers bed…
  • lock that bad boy up, and never let anyone inside.  That technically would also include yourself, but if you try to make minimum mess, you could probably sneak in and watch the rest of your family through the window while you sip your wine and watch Netflix.
  • just clean shit.  Yep, if it gets dirty, clean it.
  • hire a cleaner and sip a mojito while they do the work.  This one is my fave tip.  If you have a big house and a lot of kids like me, it takes the cleaner about 4 hours to clean a week.  That’s a lot of mojitos.
  • My absolute favorite cleaning hack of all time! Salud!

Enjoy, and cheers!  Love Mrs. Piggy.

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3 Easy Steps to Folding Fitted Sheets

Do you want to be a Pinterest/Stepford wife, but just haven’t mastered those blasted fitted sheets yet?

They really are damn tough to fold perfectly.

Anyway, after years of perfecting my amazing homemaker skills, I am ready to share with you my 3 simple steps to the perfect fitted sheet.

Prepare to be blown away:

Step 1: Wine (always a good place to start)

Step 2: Don’t have judgmental crazy ass friends that will look in your linen cupboard

Step 3: More wine

Done! How easy is that?!

And as we all know laundry is a damn bitch of a job, so I think you’ve earned yourself another wine.  Go on, treat yourself.

  • Mrs Piggy

 

Mrs. Piggy is also a decluttering expert, read her techniques here

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50(ish) Things to Throw Away For Instant Decluttering

Your house is full.  Full of people and things, things everywhere.

Things that you don’t know how they got there, things that you don’t know about, and things that you don’t understand.  I get it, my house was there too.

Then I found out about the Ikea Dead people clean out… or something…

Maybe it was the Swedish Death Cleaning method… who can keep track of this stuff?  Especially when there is a pile of Dominos discount brochures as high as your eldest child on the bench.

Anyway, who has time for a full on, ‘take stock of your entire life and belongings’ clear out?  I know I personally have trouble fitting in time to have a second glass of red while cooking dinner, let alone anything else.

So I have done it once again.

Here is my concise, condensed and consolidated way to declutter your life:

50 (ish – who has time to count) things to throw away for instant decluttering

Old takeout menus

Old makeup

Out of date food from your pantry

Socks that have lost their partner

Worn out shoes

Chipped plates/crockery

Tupperware missing lids

Tupperware lids without bases

Screw it, toss all the Tupperware, you never eat left overs anyway

Leftovers

Those little shampoos you stole from the hotel – you won’t use that, we both know it!

Towels with holes in them

Toys the kids have grown out of

Toys with batteries that make really annoying noises

Toys that hurt your feet when you stand in them

Dammit, just toss all the toys

Clothes your kids have grown out of

Stained shirts

Stained pants

Undies with skidmarks

That means all kids clothes will be tossed

Kids “art” – save a few of you must, but no one needs 100 stick figure pictures with 3 eyes and giant balloon boobs

Kids. Just toss the kids. Instant declutter!

There! Done and dusted!

Now get yourself a wine!

  • You’re welcome, Love Mrs. Piggy

 

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