How to Fit More into Your Day

When did life get so damn busy and complicated?

One minute we were playing with lego and fantasizing about being a grown up and being able to eat cake for dinner (I’ve actually figured out how to do this with minimal guilt and heart attacks) and the next minute we grew up.

Now all we have is a list of things we need to do as long as the bubble gum tape that we used to love, and no damn time!

Now that’s a chore list I can get behind!

How can we be more productive and get more done you ask.

Simple, follow my foolproof tips below:

  1. coffee
  2. vodka
  3. even better, espresso martini
  4. GET OFF YOUR PHONE!  You’re on it now aren’t you?  Go on, get up.

Reward yourself with a martini after each chore you complete.  Your list will get shorter, or you’ll stop caring about your list.  Whatever works for you.

cheers! and get back to work..

Cheers!

Mrs. Piggy.

                  

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5 Simple Money Saving Tips

Ah, money. No matter what you seem to do, there’s never enough of the damn stuff.

That’s because you’re doing the wrong things.

I, Mrs. Piggy, am here to tell you what to do, buy, and make so that you can afford that extravagant purchase or that instagrammable holiday you’ve been eyeing off (though if your photoshop skills are up to snuff, just plonk a photo of yourself with a snorkel on someone elses holiday snaps, and you’ve already saved yourself a fricken fortune!)

Uncle Neville drinks a lot of ‘coffee’ so it’s basically that same as buying a latte from a café..

So, my wasteful followers, how do you save money?

  1.  Everyone knows this one DON’T BUY COFFEE! Make your own.  I know your coffee probably tastes like somebody rung out your uncle Neville’s sweaty underpants into a cup, but this could save you a lot of moola.
  2. Take your lunch to work.  This saves you some big bucks.  It’s also fantastic for those people who absolutely adore eating soggy old lettuce for 5 lunches straight.
  3. And while I’m on the food bandwagon, why don’t you meal prep?  I love the idea of only ever eating the same 5 meals for the REST OF MY FRICKEN LIFE!  I find that meal prepping saves me not just money, but it also saves me heaps of time, as it slowly saps away my imagination and creativity.  I now have so many more hours in my life to spend eating thawed quinoa smothered in an indescribable brown gravy.
  4. Don’t buy cleaning products.  Make your own from water and your sweet salty tears.  If you scrub hard enough, this will remove anything, including your will to live.
  5. Don’t pay rent.  Move back in with your parents, become a squatter, or live in a cardboard box.  Do whatever you need to do, but without that rent money coming out each fortnight, your bank balance will go up!

There you have it, my top 5 tips to saving money!  Think of me while you’re holidaying on that tropical beach XX

(I mean, I could have told you to not buy the latest IPhone, review your utility providers and see if there are cheaper alternatives, or even cancel Netflix, but where’s the fun in that?!)

  • Mrs Piggy

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Mrs. Piggy reviews coffee

Mrs. Piggy Reviews: Coffee

I wake up bleary eyed and exhausted, memories of nursing the baby for half the night flashing through my mind.

Then I remember all 3 (or do I have 4?) of my children are well past the baby stage.

Vodka, that’s right, I was nursing a bottle of vodka half the night.

I reach for a coffee capsule and place it in the blessed machine.

One of the children’s bedroom doors open and what looks like an abominable snowman wanders out.

I take a deep sigh and hit the button on the coffee machine. It spurts to life and demands a rinse cycle.

I swear under my breath as I hit rinse, and the miraculous caffeine trickles out along with the rinse water, wasted.

Another door opens and I put a second capsule into the machine.

coffee capsules ready to make delicious coffee
The only reason Mrs. Piggy Reviewed coffee is so that she had an excuse to drink more of it..

A child mumbles something to me and I grunt back, hitting the coffee machine a bit too hard. The delicious aroma of coffee fills the room as my coffee pours into the dirty rinse cup, not the coffee cup that seems to be mocking me from it’s still clean, still empty position in my hand.

Another door opens and I look around in panic, how many damn kids do I have?

I can’t do this without caffeine. I grab a jar of instant coffee and a spoon, and shovel a handful of the dry flakes directly into my mouth.

I close my eyes while chewing the dry, almost toxic granules and attempt to ignore all of the voices and movement around me. I feel the coffee kick in.  Just a bit.  Now I have the brain capacity to figure out this damn coffee machine.

I rinse down the dry coffee with some wet coffee and make another one.

One of the Children say something and I look at him. It’s the abominable snowman. The caffeine must be working. He’s still a disgusting teenager, but now the hair that’s standing up on his head looks adorable, and I smile at him.

reviewed coffee capsules in a heart shape

Mr Piggy (who must have gotten up while I was chewing dried coffee with my eyes closed) smacks my butt as he walks past.

I don’t kill him.

Caffiene is pretty miraculous.

Mrs. Piggy Reviews:

Coffee. For when you can’t get your hands on your kids Ritalin tablets

5 stars

✯✯✯✯✯

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Mrs. Piggy asleep on the couch with feather duster

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