Bambi Dollinger-Tart with a small selection of her makeup

Beauty Tips from Yesteryear – The Secrets Your Grandmothers Swore by

That they took to the grave with them.
Bitches.

Hello my glamorous gerbils.
Have you tried all of the latest fashion trends? Have you contoured your contours, highlighted your hairlines, and rubbed coconut oil all over your body until your as smooth, slick and slimy as a hagfish hurtling away from whatever likes to eat hagfish?

I don’t think anything would want to eat a hagfish TBH

Have you scoured the internet? Pinned ideas, saved links and shared tips with your equally glossy friends?
But you’re still ugly.
What went wrong? You copied the tutorials, injected the fillers and grouted over the skin folds, yet here we are.
Still wanting for more.
Still trying to find that one magic thing that will make you as glamorous and beautiful as me those classic photos of your grandmother.

I’m so pretty, even with my natural, windblown hair..

Well here we go, my vain velociraptors, I’m here to tell you the secrets of ye’ olden days.

How did they look so beautiful and smooth? How did they keep their looks and style through wars, depression, and most amazingly through lack of internet?

Tip 1 Cover your entire body and fool men into thinking ankles are sexy. Who cares how many stretch marks, wrinkles or fat folds you have on your upper thigh if no-one ever sees them.

Even a tablecloth or doona cover will do, as long as all flesh and fat folds are covered.. as an added bonus, you could probably fit a 6 pack of donuts in there too!

Tip 2 Olive oil. Not coconut oil. Who wants to smell like a chocolate crackle minus the chocolate, when they could smell like a nice roast lamb? Rub it everywhere my greasy geckos. It’s fantastic for hair, as a moisturizer, and even comes in spray bottles at the supermarket so you can get a nice even coat super fast!

Have at it, my pimply porcupines! And make yourself a salad while you’re at it. Your thighs will thank you (and me!)

Tip 3 Invest in a really old camera that won’t take a clear enough photo of the wrinkles. Then just tape that to your head and voila! Or snapchat filters… turns out women of all generations have figured out this beauty hack!

Mrs. Piggy’s already all over this one! A bit of a filter, a few snapchat stickers and you’re instantly beautiful! Oh, also click her if you want to see more of her stuff..

Tip 4 Don’t read (or look at at a phone or computer) it’s a tough ask I know, but a small price to pay to save yourself from those hideous forehead wrinkles. There’s definitely something to be said for the old ways of women being kept in their place and not being allowed to learn.

Tip 5 Be so ridiculously poor that you can’t afford food.  Who can be overweight, my skinny skylarks, if you have to share your one and only bread roll between yourself and seven children?

Share that with the fam, and still manage to gain weight, I dare you!

There, my haughty hamsters, you too can be as amazing and beautiful as myself your great great great grandmothers.

Now please, don’t take this information to the grave with you as those old bitches did.  Pass this information far and wide! Be a part of the sisterhood, not apart from the sisterhood!

Love Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Read more articles by Bambi here

Take our health and fitness quiz and see if you know your stuff (it’s really short and simple, in case you’re actually a bit of a dumb-ass)

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How to Hide the Fact that you are Actually a Sloth Masquerading as a Human

Hello my slovenly Salamanders,  do you wish you were as tidy, put together, and naturally beautiful as I am?

Do you wish you could glide effortlessly into a room and have all eyes turn to you because of your grace and beauty, not because you have two mismatched socks, toilet paper sticking out of your pants and mascara blurring the corner of your panda – like eye?

I willingly admit to using a few beauty enhancers, but even without my little ‘tricks’ I’m still a natural beauty that you could only wish to be

Well, my bedraggled bedbugs, while you will never be a Bambi Dollinger-Tart (there is only one of me, I am a true original beauty after all) I have compiled a quick, concise list of ways for you to hide your slobbish ways.

At least long enough to fool a few people.

pure grace and class like mine is something that cannot be taught. Though with the right guidance, it may be ‘faked’

People that don’t know the true you at least..

◊ Paint your toenails.  Give up on the fingernails, they’ll chip two minutes after you apply them, and let’s be honest here my fractured felines, you’re not going to maintain that.  Toenails however last a good deal longer.  Pick a deep color that won’t show up dirt, and will hide all of your black limburger scented toe-jam.

 

cover that nastiness up you disgusting slob!

◊ Give up on washing your hair (completely, my slippery sloths, not just wash it occasionally like you do now)  I’m sure you’ve all heard this one before.  Washing your hair strips the natural oils from your scalp.  It makes your hair as dry and wild as a night on the town after 28 Canadian Clubs. 

I hear you all now, my oleaginous otters “but when I don’t wash my hair it becomes a greasy oil slick”  “the last time I didn’t wash my hair for  a week I looked like Kid Rock after he got splashed with some jelly wrestling goo.”  That is because you’re not committing to the no-poo lifestyle.  Do not cave, and do not wash.  Once you pass the greasy 90’s celebrity pervert stage, your hair will shine and glisten like a shampoo advertisement.  In fact you may accidentally blind passers by on sunny days with your magical mane.

my eyes!

◊ Save your monthly shower for just before you emerge from your filthy lair to interact with true humans.  True humans prefer the scent of soap to week old pizza cheese and burrito breath.  If you’re only going to shower once, make it count, my befouled bandicoots.

◊ Deodorants, mints and headbands. Or just live online so you can chuck a filter over everything and live in your disgusting denial and 3 day old milk scented apartment.

There you go, my sickening sloths!  Follow these tips to a better fake you instantly!

Love Bambi!

If you need some tips on how to fake your house as well as yourself, Mrs.Piggy has outdone herself with this article on how to make your house look like an Instagram and Pinterest love-child.

Want to learn more about our beautiful, vivacious Bambi Dollinger-Tart? Click here! 

 

Read more of Bambi’s genius articles here

 

 

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Ask the Pig: Should I Pierce My Child’s Ears?

Dear Mrs. Piggy,

I have a 6 month old baby, and I don’t know what to do about their ears.

I think that earrings on babies are totally adorable, and I really want to pierce her ears.

My husband is totally against it.  He says its mutilating her, and what happens if she doesn’t want them later.  He says it will cause her pain for no reason.

But they will look SO ADORABLE!  I’ve already bought three pairs of earrings for her, and really really want to put them on!!

Should I pierce, or not?

Please Help,

Excited Mummy, Vancouver.


Read more advice from Mrs. Piggy Here 

Who is Mrs. Piggy, and why is she on my phone?

 


Dear Excited Mummy,

So you’ve gone on a shopping spree, and now want to justify your purchases by stabbing your child in the ears?  I say go for it!

Earrings on babies are adorable, and the sooner you get it done, the better.  If you wait too long, your baby will notice them and start tugging on those gorgeous earrings that you’ve lovingly bought her.  While earrings on bubs are pretty darn cute, giant earholes that you can fit a thumb through are not.

Eeeeewwwwwwww! Put that thing away!

If you want to dress your child up as a little doll, and change her outfit and earrings 4 times a day, you go right ahead and do it!  Why else would we mums go through the whole pregnancy/labour thing?  It’s for the customizable baby/toy we get at the end..

What I think you are really going to need help with is getting around your husband’s views…

If he was as sleep deprived as you no doubt are, I’d just suggest trying to convince him that the baby came out with holes, and you just put the earrings in to plug them up.. but chances are, he’s sleeping blissfully at night while your up with your doll/baby attached like a wet-vac you your boob. As you stare longingly at her earlobes.

Perhaps if you bribed him with sex.  But you have a 6 month old, so you’re probably covered in vomit and poop, and will fall asleep on top of him anyway..

What would most likely work with my Mr. Piggy is the old money gambit..  Show him the earrings that you’ve already bought, tell him how much they cost, then tell him you’ve lost the receipts and can’t return them.

If he’s anything like my clever husband, he’ll be insisting that you go out right now and get his darling angel’s ears painfully stabbed with a gun so that those expensive earrings won’t go to waste!

Give it a go, and good luck!

I hope this advice helps you make the right decision for your family.

Love Mrs. Piggy.

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An Idiots Guide To Contouring

Hello my cheeky chiuahahas! Are you a rookie when it comes to rouge?  A plebe with your primer?
Do you always make a mess with a makeup brush?  Or worse, look like Khloe Kardashian before she paints, contours and transforms her face to look like an Instagram filter without an Instagram filter?

 

Then this article is for you!
I’m here to teach you the art of contouring and highlighting, or in idiots terms, painting lines on your face to completely change the look and shape of it.
Or at least pretend to!

 

still be the same hideous hyena under the make-up, but what people don’t know can’t hurt them
You will of course still be the same hideous hyena under the make-up.  But what people don’t know cant hurt them, right?!

 

I’m going to let you all into a very closely guarded secret about myself.  I too, my gleeful galas, partake in the secret art of contouring.

 

Without my trusty makeup brush, my face shape is less supermodel, and more slightly green potato..

 

Don’t believe me?

 

Here, it is great trepidation that I show you my before photo.  Please continue to love me, my vain velociraptors, even after viewing this picture…
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