Sugar Free and Deliciously Easy Tomato Sauce/Ketchup Recipe

If you have kids in your house, you will understand when I say that tomato sauce is a food group all in itself.

If my youngest would have her way, she would just throw back ketchup, straight from the bottle for breakfast lunch and dinner!

But my freakishly loud, ridiculously adorable little monster is not going to do that.  If I wanted her hopped up on sugar all day, I’d just feed her all of my left over green skittles.

I can’t eat that much sugar in one sitting without either gaining 700kgs, having a sugar crash the size of a jumbo jet, or just straight up going into a diabetic coma.

So damn it, if I can’t do it, neither can the 3 year old!

That’s where this super easy, absolutely healthy and no (added) sugar tomato sauce recipe comes in!

2 ingredients, 3 steps and you’re ready to slather this sauce all over your kids favourite fish fingers and chips

(which thanks to this magic recipe, you now don’t have to feel guilty about giving your kids – woot woot!)

Ingredients:
pumpkin
tomato paste
seiously, that’s it!

step 1: steam pumpkin (I even did it with the skin on for added nutrients)
step 2: blend pumpkin and tomato paste until smooth – check taste, colour and consistency – remember it’s supposed to be tomato sauce here! add a bit of water if necessary.
step 3: make sure your little sugar addict is far far away from you, so they do not witness this deceit, and fill up an empty tomato sauce container.

If you’ve ever tried to fill up a bottle with a gloopy, sloppy ketchuppy mixture, you will know this is easier said than done!  For a simple hack to do this, click here!

You could wash off the label if you wanted to, but I’m going for the authentic, trick the toddler look here. Nothing in our house looks nice, and I do not want her getting suspicious!

There, you’re done! this should last in the fridge for around a week, but seriously, would a bottle of tomato sauce last that long in your fridge if you didn’t limit the kids access to it?

If you have a true sugar addict, maybe try weaning them off their sauce of choice.

Trust me, it sucks to go cold turkey off your drug of choice!  Try mixing half the real stuff and half your sneaky nutritious blend, then as the get used to it, up the healthy shit.

Good luck!

Love Mrs. Piggy.

Do you have a burning question that you would love Mrs. Piggy’s help with? Email her at info@pimpmypigsty.com, and let her solve all of your problems!

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Dairy Free Gluten free chocolate egg recipe

Dairy Free Gluten Free and Surprisingly Not Joy Free Chocolate Egg Recipe

Easter, the time to eat all of the Chocolate, drink all of the booze, and fight with all of the family.

Oh, and there’s a big bunny, and something vaguely religious too I think..

Anyway, if you’re on a health kick and want to reduce your sugar and processed nonsense intake, have an allergy to dairy or gluten, or just have an intolerance to delicious joyful food then this is the recipe for you!

Plus as an added bonus, it’s cheap, easy, and looks fricken adorable!

Check it out!

Now lets be honest here, these bad boys are still full of fat and sugar, but the fat is coconut oil, which everyone knows is magical (Note here for the mums: apparently a spoonful of it a day will kill threadworms and their evil, minuscule eggs, do NOT ask me how I know that little fact..!)

And the sugar, well I used maple syrup, and that comes from a tree (not an evil cane or beet) so it’s totally fine obviously..

Plus it’s Easter and although it’s a time for miracles, asking for a gluten free, dairy free, genuinely healthy option that also tastes good, just aint gonna happen…

Here’s the miraculous recipe in all it’s Easter glory

Ingredients:

2 cups puffed rice (make sure it’s gluten/dairy free if necessary – that evil stuff lurks everywhere!

1/2 cup shredded cocnut (yep, I noticed the typo, but have decided to leave it for your enjoyment)

1/4 cup cacao powder (cocoa will do too, it’s still not bad for you)

1/2 cup melted coconut oil 

maple syrup to taste 

Step 1 Combine puffed rice, coconut oil coconut and cacao powder in a bowl. Add maple to taste. Mix until combined.

Step 2 Fill empty plastic egg containers with chocolatey deliciousness then refrigerate. I sprayed the egg moulds with olive oil (another superfood snuck in there!) but lets be honest here, you’re filling this little delicious nugget pretty much entirely with fat.  I don’t think the oil is necessary.

Step 3 Take your chocolate snappy bubble morsels out of the moulds.  Or leave them in.  Or like me, leave half in, half out then pose artfully for a photo (protip: use blutac to hold them upright)

On second thought, maybe leave them in the mould. Unless you think this doesn’t look like a “I’ve just eaten 3 packets of sultanas” toddler poop..

Step 4 Move to Antartica, or eat your crackle eggs super fast, because coconut oil melts like a middle aged woman watching Jason Momoa emerged wet and glistening from a large body of water.

Enjoy!

See more of Mrs. Piggy’s recipes here like her famous bolognese recipe, or her meat cake miracle!

Do you have a burning question that you would love Mrs. Piggy’s help with? Email her at info@pimpmypigsty.com, and let her solve all of your problems!

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Recipe: Poultry Cuts Smothered in Herbs and Grain Flakes, Boiled in Olive Juice

Ah, food, one of the most fundamental and necessary necessities of life.
It nourishes and sustains us.

If done right it can tittalate our senses and tease our tastebuds.  If done wrong it can tighten our wastebands and taunt our reflections.

Thats where this delicious recipe comes in!

Who would like some Poultry Cuts smothered in Herbs and Grain Flakes, Boiled in Olive Juice?

Me!

And the kids!  This is definitely one of those elusive recipes that your kids will actually eat!

Are you ready for it?

Keep scrolling…

Here you go:

Photo by Aleks Dorohovich on Unsplash
Photo by Aleks Dorohovich on Unsplash

Mmmmm… KFC…

Plus think of all of the cooking and washing up time you’ll save!

These delicious poultry cuts even come with a side of Frizzled Pommes Frites too!

P.S. we are not affiliated with the Kernel in any way, his food is just delicious (though if he wants to give us some bribe advertising money, we’re up for it!)

Read more of Mrs. Piggy’s recipes here (some of them are actually proper and delicious recipes, we promise!)

Like Mrs. Piggy’s famous meat cake!  Click here, you won’t be disappointed!

See more of Mrs. Piggy’s genius advice here

Meet our fantastic team!

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Bambi Dollinger-Tart with a small selection of her makeup

Beauty Tips from Yesteryear – The Secrets Your Grandmothers Swore by

That they took to the grave with them.
Bitches.

Hello my glamorous gerbils.
Have you tried all of the latest fashion trends? Have you contoured your contours, highlighted your hairlines, and rubbed coconut oil all over your body until your as smooth, slick and slimy as a hagfish hurtling away from whatever likes to eat hagfish?

I don’t think anything would want to eat a hagfish TBH

Have you scoured the internet? Pinned ideas, saved links and shared tips with your equally glossy friends?
But you’re still ugly.
What went wrong? You copied the tutorials, injected the fillers and grouted over the skin folds, yet here we are.
Still wanting for more.
Still trying to find that one magic thing that will make you as glamorous and beautiful as me those classic photos of your grandmother.

I’m so pretty, even with my natural, windblown hair..

Well here we go, my vain velociraptors, I’m here to tell you the secrets of ye’ olden days.

How did they look so beautiful and smooth? How did they keep their looks and style through wars, depression, and most amazingly through lack of internet?

Tip 1 Cover your entire body and fool men into thinking ankles are sexy. Who cares how many stretch marks, wrinkles or fat folds you have on your upper thigh if no-one ever sees them.

Even a tablecloth or doona cover will do, as long as all flesh and fat folds are covered.. as an added bonus, you could probably fit a 6 pack of donuts in there too!

Tip 2 Olive oil. Not coconut oil. Who wants to smell like a chocolate crackle minus the chocolate, when they could smell like a nice roast lamb? Rub it everywhere my greasy geckos. It’s fantastic for hair, as a moisturizer, and even comes in spray bottles at the supermarket so you can get a nice even coat super fast!

Have at it, my pimply porcupines! And make yourself a salad while you’re at it. Your thighs will thank you (and me!)

Tip 3 Invest in a really old camera that won’t take a clear enough photo of the wrinkles. Then just tape that to your head and voila! Or snapchat filters… turns out women of all generations have figured out this beauty hack!

Mrs. Piggy’s already all over this one! A bit of a filter, a few snapchat stickers and you’re instantly beautiful! Oh, also click her if you want to see more of her stuff..

Tip 4 Don’t read (or look at at a phone or computer) it’s a tough ask I know, but a small price to pay to save yourself from those hideous forehead wrinkles. There’s definitely something to be said for the old ways of women being kept in their place and not being allowed to learn.

Tip 5 Be so ridiculously poor that you can’t afford food.  Who can be overweight, my skinny skylarks, if you have to share your one and only bread roll between yourself and seven children?

Share that with the fam, and still manage to gain weight, I dare you!

There, my haughty hamsters, you too can be as amazing and beautiful as myself your great great great grandmothers.

Now please, don’t take this information to the grave with you as those old bitches did.  Pass this information far and wide! Be a part of the sisterhood, not apart from the sisterhood!

Love Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Read more articles by Bambi here

Take our health and fitness quiz and see if you know your stuff (it’s really short and simple, in case you’re actually a bit of a dumb-ass)

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An Idiots Guide to Meal Prepping

Life is hard isn’t it?

Whether you work full time just to pay your rent, are a working parent, stay at home mum, or lazy, pot smoking cousin that still lives with their parents, finding the time to prepare healthy, delicious meals 3 times a day is damn hard work!

That’s where meal prepping comes in.  Do a giant cook-up, freeze your portions, then eat the same meal for 3 years straight.  Sounds good right?

If you’re new to the whole meal prepping lifestyle (make no mistake, it is a lifestyle choice) then this is the place for you!

Here it is my piggies, a meal prepping guide for idiots beginners:

trust me!

You’re welcome.

Love Mrs. Piggy

Read more of Mrs. Piggy’s tips, tricks and advice here


 

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How to Hide the Fact that you are Actually a Sloth Masquerading as a Human

Hello my slovenly Salamanders,  do you wish you were as tidy, put together, and naturally beautiful as I am?

Do you wish you could glide effortlessly into a room and have all eyes turn to you because of your grace and beauty, not because you have two mismatched socks, toilet paper sticking out of your pants and mascara blurring the corner of your panda – like eye?

I willingly admit to using a few beauty enhancers, but even without my little ‘tricks’ I’m still a natural beauty that you could only wish to be

Well, my bedraggled bedbugs, while you will never be a Bambi Dollinger-Tart (there is only one of me, I am a true original beauty after all) I have compiled a quick, concise list of ways for you to hide your slobbish ways.

At least long enough to fool a few people.

pure grace and class like mine is something that cannot be taught. Though with the right guidance, it may be ‘faked’

People that don’t know the true you at least..

◊ Paint your toenails.  Give up on the fingernails, they’ll chip two minutes after you apply them, and let’s be honest here my fractured felines, you’re not going to maintain that.  Toenails however last a good deal longer.  Pick a deep color that won’t show up dirt, and will hide all of your black limburger scented toe-jam.

 

cover that nastiness up you disgusting slob!

◊ Give up on washing your hair (completely, my slippery sloths, not just wash it occasionally like you do now)  I’m sure you’ve all heard this one before.  Washing your hair strips the natural oils from your scalp.  It makes your hair as dry and wild as a night on the town after 28 Canadian Clubs. 

I hear you all now, my oleaginous otters “but when I don’t wash my hair it becomes a greasy oil slick”  “the last time I didn’t wash my hair for  a week I looked like Kid Rock after he got splashed with some jelly wrestling goo.”  That is because you’re not committing to the no-poo lifestyle.  Do not cave, and do not wash.  Once you pass the greasy 90’s celebrity pervert stage, your hair will shine and glisten like a shampoo advertisement.  In fact you may accidentally blind passers by on sunny days with your magical mane.

my eyes!

◊ Save your monthly shower for just before you emerge from your filthy lair to interact with true humans.  True humans prefer the scent of soap to week old pizza cheese and burrito breath.  If you’re only going to shower once, make it count, my befouled bandicoots.

◊ Deodorants, mints and headbands. Or just live online so you can chuck a filter over everything and live in your disgusting denial and 3 day old milk scented apartment.

There you go, my sickening sloths!  Follow these tips to a better fake you instantly!

Love Bambi!

If you need some tips on how to fake your house as well as yourself, Mrs.Piggy has outdone herself with this article on how to make your house look like an Instagram and Pinterest love-child.

Want to learn more about our beautiful, vivacious Bambi Dollinger-Tart? Click here! 

 

Read more of Bambi’s genius articles here

 

 

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Top 10 superfoods and how to Sneak them into Your Diet

By Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Hello there my Chipper Chinchillas!  We all know that we’re eating the wrong things, and living our lives the absolute wrong and most unhealthy way.

But how, you may ask, can we change that without disrupting our chaotic busy lives?

I know that in an ideal world we would all be able to harvest fresh produce from our garden and grind it up to make our own homemade flour, then bread (with quinoa of course.  You must know, my impressionable iguanas, how terribly evil wheat is for you, after all!)

unfortunately… we just do not have time to age our own organic limburger

But unfortunately in this day and age, we just do not have time to age our own organic limburger, or to ferment our own kraut.

To help you out, my devoted dachshunds, I spoke to our resident health and spiritual guru Philip Guava Tapeworm, and together we compiled a list of the top 10 superfoods that you need to eat to stay in top form, and how to sneak them into your (and any unsuspecting, but unhealthy family members) diets.

ONE: Turmeric – this stuff is amazing!  It’s full of antioxidants and is great for inflammation.  We’ve all heard of turmeric lattes, but if you can’t get to a café inhabited by hipsters, you can DIY at home.  The effective compound in turmeric is curcumin, which sadly your foolish body does not absorb well on it’s own.  To get the most out of your baby poo yellow latte, nutritionists recommend ingesting it with a fat, as well as some piperine.  In laymens terms, my gormless gorillas, add a spoonful of butter and a spoonful of black pepper to your latte and youre good to go!

TWO: Garlic – well my ravenous ravens, the word garlic should not be seen without the word bread behind it.. Eat up, my glutted gorillas!

ignore that health star rating. This is a superfood, and you should be eating at least 2 sticks a day

THREE: Anything fermented – kombucha, sauerkraut, yoghurt.  Theyre all winners.  What no-one bothered to tell you though, is that salami is a fermented food too!  Enjoy my carnivorous caterpillars!

FOUR: Cacao – it sounds like cocoa, looks like cocoa.  Just eat some chocolate, my exhausted echidnas, you’ve come this far..

if you want to be healthy, you know what must be done..

SIX: Berries – full of antioxidants and nutrition!  easy to eat fresh, easy to blend in smoothies, and you can even get them coated in chocolate.  I mean cacao.  Two superfoods snuck into your diet in one! Bam!

SEVEN: Tomatoes – full of amazingness, but especially lycopene.  Lycopene helps prevent some cancers, helps white blood cells and is just brilliant! And guess what?  The processed stuff usually has higher levels of lycopene!  Dip your garlic bread in some tomato sauce, make yourself that fourth bloody mary!  It’s for your health, my tipsy tarantulasEIGHT: Parsley – apparently it’s really good for you (vitamin K, and A, calcium, magnesium, potassium) and it’s usually in garlic bread.. just saying..                                                   

NINE: Eggs – think aboput it, these magic little orbs have everything in them to create and sustain a life.  Get that goodness into you, my healthy humans. (Either end should work too)

TEN: Insects – so full of protein, and so sustainable for the planet!  you probably eat a few spiders and bugs while you’re sleeping, so you’ve already got this one covered. Go, you triumphant termite!

get that protien power punch into you!

oops! FIVE (I may need some of this miraculous superfood.  It probably helps with maths too): Coconut oil/cream/water/everything!  Just look at the internet!  I think this stuff must be magic – it probably cures cancer and ADD, probably even autism!  A spoonful of oil in every meal should keep you fit as a fiddle, my corpulent camels!

Well that should do it!  Eat my top ten list of superfoods and I bet you’ll live to 100, my aging antilopes!

 

Happy eating, Love Bambi!

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Recipe: Meat Cake

CAKE IS AWESOME!

Cake for dinner is even awesomer.  Unfortunately some people look down on you for serving it as a main meal (thanks a lot child services)

Anyway, I have now devised a way for everyone (including those fussy kids) to have their cake and eat It too!  Literally! (See what I did there?)

So how do you do it?

Bad quality, high fat mince is fan-fricken-tastic in this

It’s pretty easy really, it’s basically a chunk of mince with a whole bunch of stuff mixed in shoved in the oven.  Think cake shaped meatloaf, and you’ve basically got the idea.

I usually start with my mince and veg – whatever I have on hand.

Bad quality, high fat mince is fan-fricken-tastic in this!  It’s cheap, and your cake will stew in the delicious fattiness that is full flavor while it’s cooking, then drain away when you take it out of the cake mold (see MIL, I am feeding your precious grandkids healthy food)

For this recipe I used onion, cabbage, carrot, mushrooms and eggplant, but chuck in whatever vegetables you have – in the past I’ve used pretty much anything you can think of from the veg department – even those cheap frozen pre-cubed stuff, and as long as you chop it small, and keep the ratio about 1 veg to 4 meat, youre safe from those fussy little assholes children of yours discovering your healthy secrets.

I use a silicone cake mold, because that makes me a better person than you, but of course you can use whatever mold you would like

I usually add about half a tin of lentils too – just so I can pretend to be one of those “healthy” people, and bulk out the meal cheaply (less money on food = more money for wine!)

Add a tin of tomato paste, a couple of eggs, mixed herbs, and some breadcrumbs (if you want to be ridiculously pretentious healthy, you can pre-cook some quinoa in water, then use that instead of breadcrumbs, this add adds a delicious nuttiness to your cake – oh! and makes it gluten free!! you can serve it up to that friend.  Everyone has one of those friends..)

My absolute secret ingredients, that I love beyond life itself are (not wine this time – a recipe without wine means more for my glass!) Moroccan seasoning and grated parmesan cheese.  Seriously, go nuts with the stuff.  If you think there’s enough, put 3 times that much in again.

Ok, now you just cook it. If you want to know for how long, just google it.  What am I?  A real chef?  Plus I don’t know how much of a piggy big your cake mold is.

Also, if your kitchen doesn’t look like this by now, youre doing it wrong.

Now, mash some potatoes (more cheese in here too, that stuff is magic!)

My potato and pumpkin ready to be cooked and turned into icing

You can add pumpkin or sweet potato if you want orange icing.  Then ice.

Easy, done.

Tell your kids youre eating meat cake for dinner, and serve up a slice.

Bon apetit.

# side note, you can make these as cupcakes too – I once tricked my toddler into eating them, by telling him he was tricking his dad into eating them!

Ah to be young and stupid!

Just make sure you use those thick cardboard cupcake papers, as there will be delicious fatty juices simmering in there that you’ll need to tip out of each cupcake before serving.

  • Love Mrs. Piggy
  • If you loved this recipe, you’ll love Mrs. Piggy’s healthy, delicious bolognese.
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Quiz – Do You Know How to be Healthy? Simple answers for tough lifestyle questions

“Eat this, drink that, but not too much!”

“Exercise, but just sit and meditate too”

“Carrot is a superfood, but if you eat too much you’ll turn into an oversized orange oompa – loompa.”

Navigating the world of health is a tricky road to traverse of late.  We are bombarded with conflicting reports, studies and facebook trends.

How do we know what is healthy, and what is right for us?

Here at Pimp My Pigsty we have created a bit of a cheat sheet/quiz to help you become fitter, healthier and most importantly happier!

Good luck on your journey to wellness.

How many grains should you consume in a day?

Click to Flip
3 beers and a whiskey

How much sleep do you need each day?

Click to Flip
Enough so that you sleep through your hangover

Why is running so good for you?

Click to Flip
Endorphins. Running away from responsibility and towards the liquor cabinet produces feel good chemicals in your brain

How long should you meditate for to get the best results?

Click to Flip
Enough that your co-workers and children think you're asleep and leave you alone

Is sugar as evil as everyone says it is?

Click to Flip
Yes. Give me all of your donuts.

Is it really important to drink 8 glasses of water a day?

Click to Flip
well, there's water in beer, so sure drink up.

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I Quit Sugar

Hello my chipper chinchillas!

Are you feeling bloated?

Do you need to lose a touch of weight?

Or are you just feeling flat?  Sort of like a beached whale, laying there waiting for someone to push you back into the ocean of your life?

You’re not the only one.

Just by looking at the Pimp My Pigsty team, I can tell you that they need my help.  And what better way for me, Bambi Dollinger-Tart, resident health, fitness and all round instaguru to make them better than to force them all to go on the latest internet diet?

WE QUIT SUGAR!!

Sugar is evil, so we all quit it!

Below is our weekly journal of our journey.  Our Journeal if you will, my vivacious voles.

DAY 1

Bambi: I feel great!  No sugar in my latte this morning, but that’s ok.  Everyone knows that sugar will kill your libido and it’s not worth that sacrifice!

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today is my meditation day. I only eat mushrooms harvested from the field of peace.  There is no added sugar in the field of peace.  I am at one with the field. Sugar is not necessary.

Mrs Piggy:  As long as I have caffeine I don’t care if there’s sugar.

Skye:  Yeah, I got this, everyone knows sugar sucks.  Got my 10am frappuccino, ready for the sugar free day.  Bamabi: frappuccinos’ have about 20 teaspoons of sugar. Skye: Shit, I’ll start tomorrow.

DAY 2:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart: I missed my afternoon blueberry muffin yesterday, but I can make this work for me!  Today I will have a bowl of natural yoghurt with some fresh blueberries to hit that sweet need.

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today I am protesting the deforestation of my neigbours back yard.  I will forage my food as I peacefully protest.  I don’t believe grass and dried dog food has added sugar.

Mrs. Piggy: Damn.  Give me more coffee, I’ll be right.

Skye:  All good, I’ll just grab a tub of strawberry yoghurt.  This is easy.  Bambi Dollinger-Tart: A tub of yghurt can contain up to 8 teaspoons of sugar.  Skye:  Damn.. ill start tomorrow

DAY 3:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I’m starting to miss my sugar.  If I power through, I will feel better, and probably even lose some weight! I can do this!!

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today I am teaching my natural living class.  As a part of this I teach my students to cook fermented food that they grow naturally on their own bodies.  Vagina coconut yoghurt and yeasty toe jam have minimal sugar.

Mrs. Piggy:  I gave the kids and husband chocolate cake to shut them up.  I drank vodka straight from the bottle.  I’m pretty sure that’s got no added sugar.

Skye:  I’ve got this shit. Ate great all day!  Celebrated with a couple of cocktails with my bitches! Bambi Dollinger-Tart: cocktails can contain up to 15 teaspoons of sugar.  Skye: Fuck it, I’m out.  Have fun on your sugar free, fun free life!!

DAY 4:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I woke up this morning, and just for a second, my boyfriend’s face looked like a pink iced donut with a chocolate frog sitting in the middle.  Just for a second.  Then I woke up and ate my celery stick and had my joy free – I mean sugar free coffee.

sometimes you need to do the painful things to grow… and not get evicted

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today is the day I visit my mother.  She cooked up a lamb roast with all of the trimmings, and made a blackforest cake for desert.  She talked of the effort that she put into making me this food, as she transferred the rent money for my yurt to my landlord.  I ate the sugar (and the lamb) sometimes you need to do the painful things to grow and learn as a spiritual being, and not get evicted.  Namaste, and I’m out.

Mrs. Piggy:  Turns out even though there is sugar in wine, it’s not “added.”  I drank wine for lunch.  I’m not sorry.

DAY 5:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart: This is harder than I thought it would be, my delectable danishes.  I can’t stop thinking of food.  Of sugar laden food.  It was supposed to be getting easier by day 5.  The cravings should have ended.

Mrs. Piggy:  Vodka for breakfast for the win!

DAY 6:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I licked a strangers shirt on the bus.  It looked like a chocolate smear.  It was not

Mrs. Piggy: Rum has no added sugar!  Neither does mead!

Bambi and her fight against the evil sugar cravings

DAY 7:

Mrs Piggy:  I felt bad for Bambi. She obviously doesn’t know how to hack this “no added sugar” thing like I do.

I gave her a bottle of sugar cane juice (no added sugar!!) and a bottle of vodka.  She’ll be fine in no time!

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