Bambi Dollinger-Tart with a small selection of her makeup

Beauty Tips from Yesteryear – The Secrets Your Grandmothers Swore by

That they took to the grave with them.

Hello my glamorous gerbils.
Have you tried all of the latest fashion trends? Have you contoured your contours, highlighted your hairlines, and rubbed coconut oil all over your body until your as smooth, slick and slimy as a hagfish?

There’s not much you can say about hagfish, but they don’t have wrinkles..

Have you scoured the internet? Pinned ideas, saved links and shared tips with your equally glossy friends?

But you’re still ugly.

What went wrong? You copied the tutorials, injected the fillers and grouted over the skin folds, yet here we are.
Still wanting for more.

Still trying to find that one magic thing that will make you as glamorous and beautiful as me those classic photos of your grandmother.

I’m so pretty, even with my natural, windblown hair..

Well here we go, my vain velociraptors, I’m here to tell you the secrets of ye’ olden days.

How did they look so beautiful and smooth? How did they keep their looks and style through wars, depression, and most amazingly through lack of internet?

Tip 1 Cover your entire body and fool men into thinking ankles are sexy.

Who cares how many stretch marks, wrinkles or fat folds you have on your upper thigh if no-one ever sees them.

Even a tablecloth or doona cover will do, as long as all flesh and fat folds are covered.. as an added bonus, you could probably fit a 6 pack of donuts in there too!

Tip 2 Olive oil. Not coconut oil. Who wants to smell like a chocolate crackle minus the chocolate, when they could smell like a nice roast lamb?

Rub it everywhere my greasy geckos. It’s fantastic for hair, as a moisturizer, and even comes in spray bottles at the supermarket so you can get a nice even coat super fast!

Have at it, my pimply porcupines! And make yourself a salad while you’re at it. Your thighs will thank you (and me!)

Tip 3 Invest in a really old camera that won’t take a clear enough photo of the wrinkles. Then just tape that to your head and voila!

Or snapchat filters… turns out women of all generations have figured out this beauty hack!

Mrs. Piggy’s already all over this one! A bit of a filter, a few snapchat stickers and you’re instantly beautiful! Oh, also click her if you want to see more of her stuff..

Tip 4 Don’t read (or look at at a phone or computer)

It’s a tough ask I know, but a small price to pay to save yourself from those hideous forehead wrinkles and concentration lines. There’s definitely something to be said for the old ways of women being kept in their place and not being allowed to learn.

Tip 5 Be so ridiculously poor that you can’t afford food.

Who can be overweight, my skinny skylarks, if you have to share your one and only bread roll between yourself and seven children?

Share that with the fam, and still manage to gain weight, I dare you!

There, my haughty hamsters, you too can be as amazing and beautiful as myself your great great great grandmothers.

Now please, don’t take this information to the grave with you as those old bitches did.  Pass this information far and wide! Be a part of the sisterhood, not apart from the sisterhood!

Love Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Read more articles by Bambi here

Take our health and fitness quiz and see if you know your stuff (it’s really short and simple, in case you’re actually a bit of a dumb-ass)

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How to Hide the Fact that you are Actually a Sloth Masquerading as a Human

Hello my slovenly Salamanders,  do you wish you were as tidy, put together, and naturally beautiful as I am?

Do you wish you could glide effortlessly into a room and have all eyes turn to you because of your grace and beauty (not because you have two mismatched socks, toilet paper sticking out of your pants and mascara blurring the corner of your panda – like eye?)

I willingly admit to using a few beauty enhancers, but even without my little ‘tricks’ I’m still a natural beauty that you could only wish to be

Well, my bedraggled bedbugs, while you will never be a Bambi Dollinger-Tart (there is only one of me, I am a true original beauty after all) I have compiled a quick, concise list of ways for you to hide your slobbish ways.

At least long enough for you to fool a few people.

pure grace and class like mine is something that cannot be taught. Though with the right guidance, it may be ‘faked’

People that don’t know the true you at least..

◊ Paint your toenails.  Give up on the fingernails, they’ll chip two minutes after you apply them, and let’s be honest here my fractured felines, you’re not going to maintain finger nails.  Toenails however last a good deal longer.  Pick a deep color that won’t show up dirt (and will hide all of your black limburger scented toe-jam.)

cover that nastiness up you disgusting slob!

◊ Give up on washing your hair (completely, my slippery sloths, not just wash it occasionally like you do now)  I’m sure you’ve all heard this one before.  Washing your hair strips the natural oils from your scalp.  It makes your hair as dry and wild as a night on the town after 28 Canadian Clubs makes your mouth. 

I hear you all now, my oleaginous otters “but when I don’t wash my hair it becomes a greasy oil slick”  “the last time I didn’t wash my hair for  a week I looked like Kid Rock after he got splashed with some jelly wrestling goo.”  That is because you’re not committing to the no-poo lifestyle.  Do not cave, and do not wash.  Once you pass the greasy 90’s celebrity pervert stage, your hair will shine and glisten like a shampoo advertisement.  In fact you may accidentally blind passers by on sunny days with your magical mane.

my eyes!

◊ Save your monthly shower for just before you emerge from your filthy lair to interact with true humans.  True humans prefer the scent of soap to week old pizza cheese and burrito breath.  If you’re only going to shower once, make it count, my befouled bandicoots.

◊ Deodorants, mints and headbands. Or just live online so you can chuck a filter over everything and live in your disgusting denial and 3 day old milk scented apartment.

There you go, my sickening sloths!  Follow these tips to a better fake you instantly!

Love Bambi!

If you need some tips on how to fake your house as well as yourself, Mrs.Piggy has outdone herself with this article on how to make your house look like an Instagram and Pinterest love-child.

Want to learn more about our beautiful, vivacious Bambi Dollinger-Tart? Click here! 

Read more of Bambi’s genius articles here

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Top 10 superfoods and how to Sneak them into Your Diet

By Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Hello there my Chipper Chinchillas!  We all know that we’re eating the wrong things, and living our lives the absolute wrong (and most unhealthy) way possible.

The internet says so.

But how can we change that without disrupting our chaotic busy lives?

I know that in an ideal world we would all be able to harvest fresh produce from our garden and grind it up to make homemade flour, then bread (with quinoa of course).

unfortunately… we just do not have time to age our own organic limburger

But unfortunately in this day and age, we just do not have time to age our own organic limburger, or to ferment our own kraut.

To help you out, my devoted dachshunds, I spoke to our resident health and spiritual guru Philip Guava Tapeworm.  Together we compiled a list of the top 10 superfoods that you need to eat to stay in top form, and how to sneak them into your (and any unsuspecting, but unhealthy family members) diets.

ONE: Turmeric – this stuff is amazing!  It’s full of antioxidants and is great for inflammation.  We’ve all heard of turmeric lattes, but if you can’t get to a café inhabited by hipsters, you can DIY at home.

The effective compound in turmeric is curcumin, which sadly your foolish body does not absorb well on it’s own.  To get the most out of your baby poo yellow latte, nutritionists recommend ingesting it with a fat, as well as some piperine.  In laymens terms, my gormless gorillas, add a spoonful of butter and a spoonful of black pepper to your latte and you’re good to go!

TWO: Anything fermented – kombucha, sauerkraut, yoghurt.  Theyre all winners.  What no-one bothered to tell you though, is that salami is a fermented food too!  Enjoy my carnivorous caterpillars!

THREE: Garlic – well my ravenous ravens, the word garlic should not be seen without the word bread behind it.. Eat up, my glutted gorillas!

ignore that health star rating. This is a superfood, and you should be eating at least 2 sticks a day

FOUR: Coconut oil/water/whatever!  Just look at the internet!  I think this stuff must be magic – it probably cures cancer and ADD.  Possibly even the autism! (Ok, maybe not, but apparently it’s good for blood pressure, diabetes and alzheimers to name a few)

A spoonful of oil in every meal should keep you fit as a fiddle, my corpulent camels!

Mrs. Piggy's Life Hack #11 If you mix coconut oil in with your kale while cooking it makes it easier to scrape in the bin
Check out more Life Hacks here

FIVE: Cacao – it sounds like cocoa, looks like cocoa.  Just eat some chocolate, my exhausted echidnas, you’ve come this far..

if you want to be healthy, you know what must be done..

SIX: Berries – full of antioxidants and nutrition!  easy to eat fresh, easy to blend in smoothies, and you can even get them coated in chocolate.  I mean cacao.  Two superfoods snuck into your diet in one! Bam!

SEVEN: Tomatoes – full of amazingness, but especially lycopene.  Lycopene helps prevent some cancers, helps white blood cells and is just brilliant! And guess what?  The processed stuff usually has higher levels of lycopene!  Dip your garlic bread in some tomato sauce, make yourself that fourth bloody mary!  It’s for your health, my tipsy tarantulasEIGHT: Parsley – apparently it’s really good for you (vitamin K, and A, calcium, magnesium, potassium) and it’s usually in garlic bread.. just saying..                                                   

NINE: Eggs – think aboput it, these magic little orbs have everything in them to create and sustain a life.  Get that goodness into you, my healthy humans. (Either end should work too)

TEN: Insects – so full of protein, and so sustainable for the planet!  you probably eat a few spiders and bugs while you’re sleeping, so you’ve already got this one covered. Go, you triumphant termite!

get that protien power punch into you!

Well that should do it!  Eat my top ten list of superfoods and I bet you’ll live to 100, my aging antilopes!

Happy eating, Love Bambi!

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An Idiots Guide To Contouring

Hello my cheeky chiuahahas! Are you a rookie when it comes to rouge?  A plebe with your primer?
Do you always make a mess with a makeup brush?  Or worse, look like Khloe Kardashian before she paints, contours and transforms her face to look like an Instagram filter without an Instagram filter?


Then this article is for you!
I’m here to teach you the art of contouring and highlighting, or in idiots terms, painting lines on your face to completely change the look and shape of it.
Or at least pretend to!


still be the same hideous hyena under the make-up, but what people don’t know can’t hurt them
You will of course still be the same hideous hyena under the make-up.  But what people don’t know cant hurt them, right?!


I’m going to let you all into a very closely guarded secret about myself.  I too, my gleeful galas, partake in the secret art of contouring.


Without my trusty makeup brush, my face shape is less supermodel, and more slightly green potato..


Don’t believe me?


Here, it is great trepidation that I show you my before photo.  Please continue to love me, my vain velociraptors, even after viewing this picture…
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I Quit Sugar

Hello my chipper chinchillas!

Are you feeling bloated?

Do you need to lose a touch of weight?

Or are you just feeling flat?  Sort of like a beached whale, laying there waiting for someone to push you back into the ocean of your life?

You’re not the only one.

Just by looking at the Pimp My Pigsty team, I can tell you that they need my help.  And what better way for me, Bambi Dollinger-Tart, resident health, fitness and all round instaguru to make them better than to force them all to go on the latest internet diet?


Sugar is evil, so we all quit it!

Below is our weekly journal of our journey.  Our Journeal if you will, my vivacious voles.


Bambi: I feel great!  No sugar in my latte this morning, but that’s ok.  Everyone knows that sugar will kill your libido and it’s not worth that sacrifice!

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today is my meditation day. I only eat mushrooms harvested from the field of peace.  There is no added sugar in the field of peace.  I am at one with the field. Sugar is not necessary.

Mrs Piggy:  As long as I have caffeine I don’t care if there’s sugar.

Skye:  Yeah, I got this, everyone knows sugar sucks.  Got my 10am frappuccino, ready for the sugar free day.  Bamabi: frappuccinos’ have about 20 teaspoons of sugar. Skye: Shit, I’ll start tomorrow.

DAY 2:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart: I missed my afternoon blueberry muffin yesterday, but I can make this work for me!  Today I will have a bowl of natural yoghurt with some fresh blueberries to hit that sweet need.

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today I am protesting the deforestation of my neigbours back yard.  I will forage my food as I peacefully protest.  I don’t believe grass and dried dog food has added sugar.

Mrs. Piggy: Damn.  Give me more coffee, I’ll be right.

Skye:  All good, I’ll just grab a tub of strawberry yoghurt.  This is easy.  Bambi Dollinger-Tart: A tub of yghurt can contain up to 8 teaspoons of sugar.  Skye:  Damn.. ill start tomorrow

DAY 3:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I’m starting to miss my sugar.  If I power through, I will feel better, and probably even lose some weight! I can do this!!

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today I am teaching my natural living class.  As a part of this I teach my students to cook fermented food that they grow naturally on their own bodies.  Vagina coconut yoghurt and yeasty toe jam have minimal sugar.

Mrs. Piggy:  I gave the kids and husband chocolate cake to shut them up.  I drank vodka straight from the bottle.  I’m pretty sure that’s got no added sugar.

Skye:  I’ve got this shit. Ate great all day!  Celebrated with a couple of cocktails with my bitches! Bambi Dollinger-Tart: cocktails can contain up to 15 teaspoons of sugar.  Skye: Fuck it, I’m out.  Have fun on your sugar free, fun free life!!

DAY 4:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I woke up this morning, and just for a second, my boyfriend’s face looked like a pink iced donut with a chocolate frog sitting in the middle.  Just for a second.  Then I woke up and ate my celery stick and had my joy free – I mean sugar free coffee.

sometimes you need to do the painful things to grow… and not get evicted

Philip Guava Tapeworm:  Today is the day I visit my mother.  She cooked up a lamb roast with all of the trimmings, and made a blackforest cake for desert.  She talked of the effort that she put into making me this food, as she transferred the rent money for my yurt to my landlord.  I ate the sugar (and the lamb) sometimes you need to do the painful things to grow and learn as a spiritual being, and not get evicted.  Namaste, and I’m out.

Mrs. Piggy:  Turns out even though there is sugar in wine, it’s not “added.”  I drank wine for lunch.  I’m not sorry.

DAY 5:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart: This is harder than I thought it would be, my delectable danishes.  I can’t stop thinking of food.  Of sugar laden food.  It was supposed to be getting easier by day 5.  The cravings should have ended.

Mrs. Piggy:  Vodka for breakfast for the win!

DAY 6:

Bambi Dollinger-Tart:  I licked a strangers shirt on the bus.  It looked like a chocolate smear.  It was not

Mrs. Piggy: Rum has no added sugar!  Neither does mead!

Bambi and her fight against the evil sugar cravings

DAY 7:

Mrs Piggy:  I felt bad for Bambi. She obviously doesn’t know how to hack this “no added sugar” thing like I do.

I gave her a bottle of sugar cane juice (no added sugar!!) and a bottle of vodka.  She’ll be fine in no time!

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Bambi Dollinger-Tart riding a banana

Clean, Healthy Eating As Dictated By Nature (and Bugs)

Good morning, or evening, or afternoon – whatever time it is for you right now, my peppy puppies!
I do so love the internet, how I can write something when I’m free, and you can read it whenever you are!
You could be doing literally anything right now! All I know is that you are as enthusiastic as I am about healthy eating, so lets get to it!
Insects.  More specifically ants and flies.
If you are on facebook, watch TV, or even have email, you will know that ants and flies can tell you so much.
From CSI episodes to nutrition, these breathtaking bugs have us covered.
Now my vivacious vultures, I will leave the death scene CSI-like attributes of my new little friends to the likes of Mrs. Piggy, or the dark side of the internet.
Harness our cheery critters… for nutrition advice
I want to harness our cheery critters for good, for nutrition advice.
Nutritionists can be so expensive, and in many countries don’t even need any formal qualifications to practice.
Everybody should be able to access correct nutrition information, and that’s where ants and flies come in.
I’m sure you have all seen the experiments and posts, the ones where a pat of butter and a disgusting slop of evil margarine is placed outside for the insects.
The insects then tell us which of these are nutritionally superior, and which products are manufactured and processed out of plastics and yoga mat chemicals and the like.
in this day and age, who.. are we to trust
The flies and the ants will show us the way to good health.  I mean, my zippy zebras, in this day and age, who else are we to trust?
I understand that you are probably reading this between your yoga class and binge drinking session, and that your time is limited and precious.
So just for you, my heedless hedgehogs I have asked the bugs, done the research and tested the truths.
I did the experiments so you don’t have to, and below are the results:
Firstly I tried the butter/margarine experiment.  I placed out some baking paper with butter, margarine, and a pure vegan, no animal product spread.
I left it for hours.  it melted into piles of slop, but no ants or flies touched any of my offerings.
I don’t know, my wide-eyed wombats, I guess my garden critters were just not hungry when I did this experiment.
In the interest of scientific accuracy, I have decided to just assume that the internet knows
Every time a facebook poster does this test the flies and ants go crazy for the butter, but leave the other items… so in the interest of scientific accuracy, I have decided to just assume that the internet knows.
Butter, my ingenuous iguanas, must most definitely be healthier for you.
I then decided to take this experiment one step further.  If ants and flies can tell “real” food from fake, if they can pick the most nutritionally sound item for themselves, then I will follow their expertise and advice.
I put out a carrot and a donut.
Don’t they both look delicious?
I was not sure what the outcome of this experiment would be, after all, my zealous zebras, we’ve been told for years by nutrtionists that donuts are not good for us.
But really, what do nutritionists and doctors and dieticians and scientists know?
I left our carrot and donut out for hours.  The first to come were the flies.  one, two, three.
Why trust scientists and nutritionists to tell us if butter or margarine is better when we could just ask the ants?
All on the donut.
Then ants!
There you have it, the experts have spoken, my gibbous gorillas.
I know what I’m having for dinner tonight.
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jade eggs in a bowl, ready for vaginal exercise and pleasure

Jade Eggs in Your Hoo-Ha: Not Just For Pleasure

Dear men, I love you, I honestly do. You are strong and manly, hairy in all the right places, and all round handy fellows to keep about, but this post is not for you.

Not unless you want to hear about women sticking things up their vaginas.
This post is for you, my wonderful warrior women.  It’s for you, my strong, smart sugar gliders.

It’s about how to cleanse your aura, give you feminine energy, align your doont chakras, tighten your pelvic floor, and make you feel very VERY good.

Jade eggs my enthusiastic echidnas.  You may have heard of them . Their incredible power is becoming more recognized and acknowledged by health wellness experts, yogis, and most importantly: celebrity bloggers everywhere.

empower your lady parts to take over the world!

The amazing practice, my wild eyed wombats, simply consists of an egg shape made out of jade.  According to the experts, all you need to do is get your hands on an egg (I recommend borrowing one from a good friend, so that you can share your womanly energy sauces), pop it in your baby cannon and feel the power!  You will be ecstatic!

The womanly magic will literally burst from your head!

sticking a large, solid, and very magical item up your pink panther will make you feel .. euphoric

Or maybe not literally, my cheeky Chihuahuas.  I’m finding it a bit hard to find any definitive answers as to what energy you will feel where, and what feminine power you will experience, but rest assured, sticking this large, solid, and very magical item up your pink panther will make you feel like you are a euphoric, ecstatic, electric eel!

And the exercise!  You can tighten, tone and shape up your meat wallet, all while empowering your clam!  You can stop the sneeze wee, and you can jump on a trampoline once again (though unless you are an eggxpert, with a lot of practice under your pants, I recommend removing the jade egg before using your vijayjay for any of the above activities!)

I asked my good friend, spiritual guru, and amazeballs co- pimp my pigsty writer Philip Guava Tapeworm for his take on this beautiful, spiritual and empowering trend, and this is what he thinks:

“I understand that I am not a woman, and therefore cannot fully understand the spiritualness that comes with owning a beautiful yoni.  I am in completely awe of the natural beauty of women’s internal organs, and the huge amount of power and femininity that they, and therefore you hold.

tapeworm ..consists of both male and female parts

As my spiritual animal is a tapeworm, which consists of both male and female parts, I do feel that I am partially qualified to speak of female reproductive power.

A jade egg, when prepared properly – charged in the sun, imbibed with natural goodness and life giving energy, can impart the most amazing esoteric amount of power to the wearer.

The practice of jade egg “wearing”, I believe is an old and divine tradition, first documented on a celebrity blog, by an amazingly spiritual person.  She wears long flowing skirts and flowers in her hair, so we know she is at one with the earth.

Beautiful, spiritual and strengthening. Jade eggs are for feminists.

According to her, ancient Chinese concubines wore them in ancient chinese temples, whilst doing ancient chinese slave like, prostituey things.  The omniscientness of it overwhelms me just thinking of it.
If you wish to feel the power, I recomend starting with a small egg, and only using it whist laying down.

Squeeze and release.

Once you have mastered this movement, you can follow the egg and what feels right.  Follow your own path, do what works.  Perhaps you wish to take a page from some amazingly exotic and spiritual artists that I met in Bangkok and shoot it across the room!  In fact, if you shoot your egg out of a window, it can recharge in the sunlight while you retrieve it!

Nirvana of the yoni

Once you feel that you are in control of the egg, that your yoni and your soul are one, then you can move on to what I refer to as the nirvana of the yoni – the highest level of awakening and discipline that it is possible to feel by shoving a foreign (but amazingly spiritual) body inside of your body.

A true egg consists of the world. it has every item, both spiritual and physical that is required to create life.  What could be more empowering, cleansing and life giving, than placing a true (preferably fertilized) egg into your core? If a fertilized egg is too hard to come by, please at least use a free range egg.

Think of the chickens.

The power of life, the beauty, and even imperfection of nature touching you, giving you energy from the inside out.

You will of course need to take care and use your strength and control from crushing the egg.  This is life, in it’s purest and most natural form.

Bambi Dollinger-Tart working towards Nirvana of the Yoni, as Philip Guava Tapeworm prophesied

When not in use, leave your free range fertilized egg out in the sun to charge. This practice will no doubt purify and energize your egg, as well as increase the life and organisms thriving within your sphere of life.

Nirvana of the Yoni.
you will feel the feminine power, and you will become a strong and powerful goddess, even if you may feel slightly like a chicken.

Want to find out more about Philip Guava Tapeworm, or read more of his amazing insights?

Is Bambi Dollinger-Tart more your jam?  Here’s her bio, and here’s more of her articles.

Also, seriously, like us on Facebook.

P.S. don’t stick an egg up your doont. 

I can’t believe I have to write this disclaimer…

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