Ask The Pig: Husband’s Messy Wardrobe

Dear Mrs Piggy,

I need some help with my husbands wardrobe.
No matter what I do, he just messes it up!

His shoes are thrown in on the floor, he pulls out all his shirts and just stuffs them all back in. It’s a mess!

Should I get boxes or baskets for everything? What’s with that special folding technique that shows him all of his shirts so he doesn’t make a mess?

What would work best for a messy man that doesn’t seem to care?

Trying to Tidy,
Tin Can Bay


Dear Trying to Tidy,

The only box I recommend for this situation is a box of wine.

Let me run through a scenario with you: you go through a lot of effort to clean up after your husband as if he was an adorable yet foolish puppy that pooped in your shoe. He re-messes.

You get resentful and drink that box of wine I mentioned earlier, re-clean the cupboard, which he promptly re-messes the next time he really really needs “that black shirt with the thing from that shop you bought him 2 years ago”.

You then drink two more boxes of wine and quietly plot his murder.

And as far as I know they don’t let you have boxes of wine in jail.

It’s not your poor disheveled husbands fault that you got addicted to a show on Netflix and feel the need to kondo his life down to 3 shirts, two shorts and a pot plant.

I suggest that instead you go outside and relax with a drink – while you lecture your daughters on why it’s not a women’s job to clean up after a man continuously (and just for good measure, you should probably get your son to bring you another wine. You know, for feminists sake)

Let your poor husband be the uncouth, messy slob that he’s always been, even if it’s just behind the closed door of his wardrobe.

Love Mrs. Piggy

Do you have a burning question that you would love Mrs. Piggy’s help with? Email her at info@pimpmypigsty.com, and let her solve all of your problems!

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QUIZ – Do You Drink Too Much?

Drinking, whether it’s day drinking, social drinking or blackout drunk drinking, it’s all fun and games until someone ends up jumping off the roof on a dare..

Or is that just my family gatherings, and daredevil grandma?

Nan-nan: “Do you double dare me?”

If you’re not sure if you’re hitting the bottle a little too much, or if you just want justification to drink a bit more, take out quiz below and see!

Do you have kids?

Did you have to go to work today?

Did you see anybody other than your reflection in the mirror today?

Are you unconscious?

Do You Drink Too Much?
POUR YOURSELF ANOTHER DRINK, YOU'VE EARNED IT!
You had to deal with people today. Whether they were miniature ones you made yourself, or the grown variety in an office, the store, or even worse, people in a social situation. In your case, there is no such thing as drinking too much! Pour yourself a double and hide under the blanket. You've earned it!
WHAT? YOU'VE HAD JACK ALL HUMAN INTERACTION ALL DAY?
Well, I'm jealous! On the plus side though, that means more booze for you! You have no-one to steal your drinks, and no-one to tell you that you drink too much. Guess that means that you don't drink too much, so crack another one and enjoy the peace!

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How to Store The One Hundred Gazillion Soft Toys Your Child Has But Never Plays With

It’s a fact of life, if you have children, your house will be completely and utterly overrun by squashy, fluffy, adorable looking, slobber catching, germ infested, matted with indescribable brown muck soft toys.

This monster is actually too big for this hack, but I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell the person that bought this for my kids that I HATE YOU!

What was originally the one adorable snuggle that you couldn’t resist buying before your darling babe slid out of your uterus is now a menagerie of toys, animals, made up animals, and weird shapes that are supposed to resemble catballs (I think.. that’s my best guess)

meow (I think)

There is no longer room for your child on their bed because a filthy unwashed (seriously, how much of a hassle is it to wash and dry these things?) hoarde of dustmite nests have moved in.

Even worse is when mice invade your home, gnaw through half of the toys and make nests with the stuffing under your child’s bed..

Nice soft toys you’ve got there.. Be a shame if someone were to chew half it’s head off and crawl inside of it…

What?  Yeah, that never happened to me either.. I was just saying that it would really suck if it did…

Lets be honest though, none of you are washing these dusty balls of fluff on a weekly basis – and if you are, in my (un)educated opinion I’m pretty sure you need a new hobby and a drink or two!

The best way to deal with this mess, is so simple, easy, and relatively cheap!

With this simple hack your children still have access to all of their loved toys, but even better, I can guarantee that within 1 week they will lose interest in pulling them out and creating chaos in your beautiful, tidy, pinterest worthy house!

Out of sight, out of mind!

It’s quite simple really, all you need is a beanbag case, and voila!  Instant beanbag without those horrible beads!

Get the kids loading it up, while you pour yourself a wine!

As an added bonus, this makes your beanbags easily washable!  Just take out animals and wash(wash the animals too if you still haven’t found yourself a good hobby)

The one thing that I hate the absolute most about beanbags is those clingy, lighter than air, defies the laws of physics white filler beans!  Now I ca be rid of those beans of the devil once and for all!

I think they like it (or like tackling each other until one of them screams like a banshee) who knows..

 

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How to Fit More into Your Day

When did life get so damn busy and complicated?

One minute we were playing with lego and fantasizing about being a grown up and being able to eat cake for dinner (I’ve actually figured out how to do this with minimal guilt and heart attacks) and the next minute we grew up.

Now all we have is a list of things we need to do as long as the bubble gum tape that we used to love, and no damn time!

Now that’s a chore list I can get behind!

How can we be more productive and get more done you ask.

Simple, follow my foolproof tips below:

  1. coffee
  2. vodka
  3. even better, espresso martini
  4. GET OFF YOUR PHONE!  You’re on it now aren’t you?  Go on, get up.

Reward yourself with a martini after each chore you complete.  Your list will get shorter, or you’ll stop caring about your list.  Whatever works for you.

cheers! and get back to work..

Cheers!

Mrs. Piggy.

                  

Read some more of Mrs. Piggy’s famous Life Hacks here

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Christmas Gift Guide For Children – hints for people who don’t have thier own little terrors

Christmas.  The time for joy, love peace and cheer.

Unless you have children, then it’s the time for bribery, threats, sugar highs, and presents.

Oh my God, the presents!

Being a mother of 4 (or is it 5, I can’t remember) I always get asked by my non zookeeper/childwrangling frineds and family what toys and presents are appropriate for the little monsters.

So I thought I’d write this super handy list.  This is a NO list, a list of things I DO NOT WANT IN MY HOUSE! And it is especially for you lucky bastards childless people out there who are as yet unaware of how insane children’s toys can actually be…

‘And then his grandparents gave him seven candy canes, three chocolates, and a whistle before sending him back home’

If you’ve got kids, show this article to your family.  Tag your friends, leave it open on the shared computer, hell print it out and wallpaper your ‘cool’ childless siblings room with it if you need to.

Trust me.

** Obviously you can take this list any way you like.. if you genuinely hate the parents of the kids your buying for, go right ahead and buy everything on the list! I guarantee you’ll have your mortal enemy sobbing silently in the corner before New Years Day.

  1. Battery operated ‘noisy’ toys.  You know the ones, they say 5 phrases on repeat, or play one song continuously as soon as someone even breathes in the same room as it.  The toys usually say something like “educational” on the packet, but I can guarantee you that the only thing my child will be learning if The evil thing is in my house is that their parents know a lot of swear words.
  2. One or two toys from a ‘collection.’  Why would you do that to us?  Now my lovely little princess won’t stop talking/nagging/whining about getting the other 768 LOLhatchsquishmuffins, or whatever the hell those tiny, useless bits of plastic are.  Plus the small ones hurt like a bitch if you step on them.

    I mean, what are theses things? Does anyone know?
  3. Speaking of stepping on them,  Beading kits.  My Tweeny Twiny Twat head will make exactly three bracelets.  One for her, one for her best friend, and one for me.  Then the rest of the beads will be joyously scattered from one end of the house to the other, finding tiny crevices to get stuck in for eternity, or just chillin in the middle of the floor, waiting for my bare delicate foot at 3 o clock in the morning…

    Just like glitter, once these beads are in your house, they are there to stay.. Forever..
  4. Messy ‘board games.’ Whatever happented to good old ‘trouble’?  It only had handful of pieces, even the dice was enclosed so that my creative kids couldn’t remove it and create Some sort of violent, destructive weapon from it.  No, nowadays kids have games like “Pieface” and “Doggy Doo”  Am I going to tell you about these games?  No. Because they seem fun and hilarious – and they are, as long as you’re not the one cleaning diarrhoeal dog poo off the curtains, and pie cream out of the toddler who hates having bath’s hair.  And ear.  And nose.

    Looks tidy, right? There will definitely not be pie like handprints on the black suede sofa..
  5. Experiences that you expect us to come along to.  If we wanted to take our zoo to another zoo, we would just take our zoo to another zoo.  What we want is for you to take the monkeys, feed them, wear them out, then bring them back, (preferably asleep) all by yourselves.  Also it wouldn’t hurt if you left a bottle of wine for us when you went..

    Aww.. how sweet! Except that the second after this photo was taken, I bet the child decided he actually wanted to eat that apple himself, so he scaled the fence and attempted to wrestle it out of the deers mouth

There you go. Also don’t buy them lollies, buy me lollies – or better yet lolly infused vodka.

Happy Christmas shopping my Piggies!

Love Mrs. Piggy.

Thinking about taking the plunge, and having kids of your own?  Check out Mrs. Piggy’s advice on the subject here.

Do you like not having kids, and enjoy weird things like having spare time to do useless Facebook quizzes instead of wiping snotty noses?  How about finding out if you have the soul of an old timer?  Or seeing how healthy you are.

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Bambi Dollinger-Tart with a small selection of her makeup

Beauty Tips from Yesteryear – The Secrets Your Grandmothers Swore by

That they took to the grave with them.
Bitches.

Hello my glamorous gerbils.
Have you tried all of the latest fashion trends? Have you contoured your contours, highlighted your hairlines, and rubbed coconut oil all over your body until your as smooth, slick and slimy as a hagfish hurtling away from whatever likes to eat hagfish?

I don’t think anything would want to eat a hagfish TBH

Have you scoured the internet? Pinned ideas, saved links and shared tips with your equally glossy friends?
But you’re still ugly.
What went wrong? You copied the tutorials, injected the fillers and grouted over the skin folds, yet here we are.
Still wanting for more.
Still trying to find that one magic thing that will make you as glamorous and beautiful as me those classic photos of your grandmother.

I’m so pretty, even with my natural, windblown hair..

Well here we go, my vain velociraptors, I’m here to tell you the secrets of ye’ olden days.

How did they look so beautiful and smooth? How did they keep their looks and style through wars, depression, and most amazingly through lack of internet?

Tip 1 Cover your entire body and fool men into thinking ankles are sexy. Who cares how many stretch marks, wrinkles or fat folds you have on your upper thigh if no-one ever sees them.

Even a tablecloth or doona cover will do, as long as all flesh and fat folds are covered.. as an added bonus, you could probably fit a 6 pack of donuts in there too!

Tip 2 Olive oil. Not coconut oil. Who wants to smell like a chocolate crackle minus the chocolate, when they could smell like a nice roast lamb? Rub it everywhere my greasy geckos. It’s fantastic for hair, as a moisturizer, and even comes in spray bottles at the supermarket so you can get a nice even coat super fast!

Have at it, my pimply porcupines! And make yourself a salad while you’re at it. Your thighs will thank you (and me!)

Tip 3 Invest in a really old camera that won’t take a clear enough photo of the wrinkles. Then just tape that to your head and voila! Or snapchat filters… turns out women of all generations have figured out this beauty hack!

Mrs. Piggy’s already all over this one! A bit of a filter, a few snapchat stickers and you’re instantly beautiful! Oh, also click her if you want to see more of her stuff..

Tip 4 Don’t read (or look at at a phone or computer) it’s a tough ask I know, but a small price to pay to save yourself from those hideous forehead wrinkles. There’s definitely something to be said for the old ways of women being kept in their place and not being allowed to learn.

Tip 5 Be so ridiculously poor that you can’t afford food.  Who can be overweight, my skinny skylarks, if you have to share your one and only bread roll between yourself and seven children?

Share that with the fam, and still manage to gain weight, I dare you!

There, my haughty hamsters, you too can be as amazing and beautiful as myself your great great great grandmothers.

Now please, don’t take this information to the grave with you as those old bitches did.  Pass this information far and wide! Be a part of the sisterhood, not apart from the sisterhood!

Love Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Read more articles by Bambi here

Take our health and fitness quiz and see if you know your stuff (it’s really short and simple, in case you’re actually a bit of a dumb-ass)

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An Idiots Guide to Meal Prepping

Life is hard isn’t it?

Whether you work full time just to pay your rent, are a working parent, stay at home mum, or lazy, pot smoking cousin that still lives with their parents, finding the time to prepare healthy, delicious meals 3 times a day is damn hard work!

That’s where meal prepping comes in.  Do a giant cook-up, freeze your portions, then eat the same meal for 3 years straight.  Sounds good right?

If you’re new to the whole meal prepping lifestyle (make no mistake, it is a lifestyle choice) then this is the place for you!

Here it is my piggies, a meal prepping guide for idiots beginners:

trust me!

You’re welcome.

Love Mrs. Piggy

Read more of Mrs. Piggy’s tips, tricks and advice here


 

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How to Hide the Fact that you are Actually a Sloth Masquerading as a Human

Hello my slovenly Salamanders,  do you wish you were as tidy, put together, and naturally beautiful as I am?

Do you wish you could glide effortlessly into a room and have all eyes turn to you because of your grace and beauty, not because you have two mismatched socks, toilet paper sticking out of your pants and mascara blurring the corner of your panda – like eye?

I willingly admit to using a few beauty enhancers, but even without my little ‘tricks’ I’m still a natural beauty that you could only wish to be

Well, my bedraggled bedbugs, while you will never be a Bambi Dollinger-Tart (there is only one of me, I am a true original beauty after all) I have compiled a quick, concise list of ways for you to hide your slobbish ways.

At least long enough to fool a few people.

pure grace and class like mine is something that cannot be taught. Though with the right guidance, it may be ‘faked’

People that don’t know the true you at least..

◊ Paint your toenails.  Give up on the fingernails, they’ll chip two minutes after you apply them, and let’s be honest here my fractured felines, you’re not going to maintain that.  Toenails however last a good deal longer.  Pick a deep color that won’t show up dirt, and will hide all of your black limburger scented toe-jam.

 

cover that nastiness up you disgusting slob!

◊ Give up on washing your hair (completely, my slippery sloths, not just wash it occasionally like you do now)  I’m sure you’ve all heard this one before.  Washing your hair strips the natural oils from your scalp.  It makes your hair as dry and wild as a night on the town after 28 Canadian Clubs. 

I hear you all now, my oleaginous otters “but when I don’t wash my hair it becomes a greasy oil slick”  “the last time I didn’t wash my hair for  a week I looked like Kid Rock after he got splashed with some jelly wrestling goo.”  That is because you’re not committing to the no-poo lifestyle.  Do not cave, and do not wash.  Once you pass the greasy 90’s celebrity pervert stage, your hair will shine and glisten like a shampoo advertisement.  In fact you may accidentally blind passers by on sunny days with your magical mane.

my eyes!

◊ Save your monthly shower for just before you emerge from your filthy lair to interact with true humans.  True humans prefer the scent of soap to week old pizza cheese and burrito breath.  If you’re only going to shower once, make it count, my befouled bandicoots.

◊ Deodorants, mints and headbands. Or just live online so you can chuck a filter over everything and live in your disgusting denial and 3 day old milk scented apartment.

There you go, my sickening sloths!  Follow these tips to a better fake you instantly!

Love Bambi!

If you need some tips on how to fake your house as well as yourself, Mrs.Piggy has outdone herself with this article on how to make your house look like an Instagram and Pinterest love-child.

Want to learn more about our beautiful, vivacious Bambi Dollinger-Tart? Click here! 

 

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Ask the Pig: Should I Pierce My Child’s Ears?

Dear Mrs. Piggy,

I have a 6 month old baby, and I don’t know what to do about their ears.

I think that earrings on babies are totally adorable, and I really want to pierce her ears.

My husband is totally against it.  He says its mutilating her, and what happens if she doesn’t want them later.  He says it will cause her pain for no reason.

But they will look SO ADORABLE!  I’ve already bought three pairs of earrings for her, and really really want to put them on!!

Should I pierce, or not?

Please Help,

Excited Mummy, Vancouver.


Read more advice from Mrs. Piggy Here 

Who is Mrs. Piggy, and why is she on my phone?

 


Dear Excited Mummy,

So you’ve gone on a shopping spree, and now want to justify your purchases by stabbing your child in the ears?  I say go for it!

Earrings on babies are adorable, and the sooner you get it done, the better.  If you wait too long, your baby will notice them and start tugging on those gorgeous earrings that you’ve lovingly bought her.  While earrings on bubs are pretty darn cute, giant earholes that you can fit a thumb through are not.

Eeeeewwwwwwww! Put that thing away!

If you want to dress your child up as a little doll, and change her outfit and earrings 4 times a day, you go right ahead and do it!  Why else would we mums go through the whole pregnancy/labour thing?  It’s for the customizable baby/toy we get at the end..

What I think you are really going to need help with is getting around your husband’s views…

If he was as sleep deprived as you no doubt are, I’d just suggest trying to convince him that the baby came out with holes, and you just put the earrings in to plug them up.. but chances are, he’s sleeping blissfully at night while your up with your doll/baby attached like a wet-vac you your boob. As you stare longingly at her earlobes.

Perhaps if you bribed him with sex.  But you have a 6 month old, so you’re probably covered in vomit and poop, and will fall asleep on top of him anyway..

What would most likely work with my Mr. Piggy is the old money gambit..  Show him the earrings that you’ve already bought, tell him how much they cost, then tell him you’ve lost the receipts and can’t return them.

If he’s anything like my clever husband, he’ll be insisting that you go out right now and get his darling angel’s ears painfully stabbed with a gun so that those expensive earrings won’t go to waste!

Give it a go, and good luck!

I hope this advice helps you make the right decision for your family.

Love Mrs. Piggy.

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Quiz – Are You Old?

Do you think you may be old?

If you think there’s a chance, then you probably are.

Young people know they’re young.

Like me, Skye. All I need to do is look in the mirror, or talk to one of you old people for more than a second to know that I’m not one of you doddering old fools, talking about mortgages and superannuation and steady incomes while I wait to slowly die.

If you’re still not sure if you’re an aging fossil, not long for this earth, or if you’re so old that you’ve forgotten your age, and can no longer see past your glazed over cateracts to look in the mirror, take the test below to see:

Love Skye.

0%

Someone's invited you out, but your favourite show is on, do you:

You hear a baby crying, you:

Someone says YOLO to you, you:

The WIFI's gone down! Now what?

Are You Old?
Let's Be Honest, your best friend used to be a dinosaur

You're Old. Why did you even bother taking this quiz? In fact, how did you figure out how to use this amazing magical box of electricity and internet to take this quiz? Kudos to you for being able to both understand technology enough to click, and to still have enough eyesight left to be reading this. Enjoy your last few years/minutes/seconds on this earth. Not long until you and your old buddy "GRRRMMMMUUUUMMM" the caveman are reunited on the next plane...
You're no Spring chicken, more like an Autumn Stewing Hen

You're not dead yet, so that's cause for celebration, but lets be honest here - you had to take the quiz, which means you know you're getting a bit long in the tooth (and the boob if you happen to be a lady..) You want to go and party like the kids, right until youre out partying with the kids. Then you remember that they're all morons, and you have a really nice bottle of wine, and a perfectly good TV at home. So sit on the couch and complain about the "kids these days" you've earned the right, you old bastard!
You're young, cool and hip

At least you think you are. No-one says "cool" or "hip" anymore. Try Hard.
Yes! Finally a young person! Let's get turnt.

Don't know what that means? Then get back to adulting, you don't belong here. If you're a true young person, don't waste anymore time on this stupid quiz. Go and live. You're one of the only ones that made it this far, and one of the only ones with more than a few puny years left in thier wrinkly, ageing body. GO! GO NOW, before one of the old people asks you to explain how to use thier video player (whatever the hell that is) or starts some crazy long narrative about "when I was your age"... GO!

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