Cleaning the house. It’s one of those jobs that (some) people say you need to do.
It’s also one of those jobs that, guaranteed as soon as you do, someone will come along and undo. Case in point, my toilet bowl. No sooner than it is sparkling clean, one of my boys feels the need to empty the contents of his entire bowel (and possibly the dogs bowel too by the look and smell of it) directly onto the porcelain.
And if it’s not the damn kids, it’s nature doing the dirtying for you. Dust the house, and two seconds later mother nature laughs uproaresly at your puny efforts, and blows a dust storm through your living room.
Yeah, it sucks. But if you want your lounge to resemble a whitewashed Instagram post, and your kitchen to look like pinterest and Kmart went and made sweet sweet love in one of Ikeas showroom bedrooms, you’ve got to do it.
Here are some of my handy hints and tips to keep your house clean with minimum fuss and effort:
- keep cleaning products near dirty hotspots. I have an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, so along with spare shower gel and toothpaste in each, I have multipurpose cleaner, jif, toilet cleaner, paper towel and a scourer. That way when I’m brushing my teeth in the morning (or hiding from the toddler in the afternoon) I can do what needs to be done: wipe down the sink, give the toilet a clean, sob quietly in the corner, scrub out the shower etc.
- get your dishwasher on schedule to suit you. I don’t wait until its full, and I don’t wait until nighttime. I turn my dishwasher on in the early afternoon. That way it’s ready to unload while I’m cooking dinner. Unload, reload, cook dinner, swear under my breath at toddler, help kids with homework, drink wine, hold conversation with Mr. Piggy, drink more wine, burn dinner, swear out loud, tell toddler to stop saying swear words… you know, all of the usual multitasking mum stuff..
- get a large microfiber broom/Swiffer thing. Run it across your floor every day. it takes 2 minutes, and is especially good if you have wooden floors as it gives them a light polish as you go. If there are any sticky patches, or little accidents on the floor once you’ve swept up the mess, spray the pad with some multipurpose cleaner and give it another once over. Works every time. Well, except for the toddler. I’m pretty sure that accident is here to stay..
- Have a designated toy room. Do not let children remove toys from that room, no matter what. You might think this is hard to do, but it’s really not. All you need is a big enough house, and obedient kids. Who doesn’t have that? Seriously guys, get your act together.
- distill your cleaning products into trendy looking dark brown bottles and leave them laying around your house. This has the double effect of saving you from actually having to buy ornaments and furnishings, while also giving the illusion that you do actually clean your house.
- baby wipes are your friend. Stash them around the house and use them for every fricken thing. Dusting, spills, kids faces after they ate the dogs food, the tumbleweed of hair that you just discovered under your bed, and that other indescribable thing that you just discovered under the teenagers bed…
- lock that bad boy up, and never let anyone inside. That technically would also include yourself, but if you try to make minimum mess, you could probably sneak in and watch the rest of your family through the window while you sip your wine and watch Netflix.
- just clean shit. Yep, if it gets dirty, clean it.
- hire a cleaner and sip a mojito while they do the work. This one is my fave tip. If you have a big house and a lot of kids like me, it takes the cleaner about 4 hours to clean a week. That’s a lot of mojitos.
Enjoy, and cheers! Love Mrs. Piggy.
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