Dear men, I love you, I honestly do. You are strong and manly, hairy in all the right places, and all round handy fellows to keep about, but this post is not for you.
Not unless you want to hear about women sticking things up their vaginas.
This post is for you, my wonderful warrior women. It’s for you, my strong, smart sugar gliders.
It’s about how to cleanse your aura, give you feminine energy, align your doont chakras, tighten your pelvic floor, and make you feel very VERY good.
Jade eggs my enthusiastic echidnas. You may have heard of them . Their incredible power is becoming more recognized and acknowledged by health wellness experts, yogis, and most importantly: celebrity bloggers everywhere.
empower your lady parts to take over the world!
The amazing practice, my wild eyed wombats, simply consists of an egg shape made out of jade. According to the experts, all you need to do is get your hands on an egg (I recommend borrowing one from a good friend, so that you can share your womanly energy sauces), pop it in your baby cannon and feel the power! You will be ecstatic!
The womanly magic will literally burst from your head!
sticking a large, solid, and very magical item up your pink panther will make you feel .. euphoric
Or maybe not literally, my cheeky Chihuahuas. I’m finding it a bit hard to find any definitive answers as to what energy you will feel where, and what feminine power you will experience, but rest assured, sticking this large, solid, and very magical item up your pink panther will make you feel like you are a euphoric, ecstatic, electric eel!
And the exercise! You can tighten, tone and shape up your meat wallet, all while empowering your clam! You can stop the sneeze wee, and you can jump on a trampoline once again (though unless you are an eggxpert, with a lot of practice under your pants, I recommend removing the jade egg before using your vijayjay for any of the above activities!)
I asked my good friend, spiritual guru, and amazeballs co- pimp my pigsty writer Philip Guava Tapeworm for his take on this beautiful, spiritual and empowering trend, and this is what he thinks:
“I understand that I am not a woman, and therefore cannot fully understand the spiritualness that comes with owning a beautiful yoni. I am in completely awe of the natural beauty of women’s internal organs, and the huge amount of power and femininity that they, and therefore you hold.
tapeworm ..consists of both male and female parts
As my spiritual animal is a tapeworm, which consists of both male and female parts, I do feel that I am partially qualified to speak of female reproductive power.
A jade egg, when prepared properly – charged in the sun, imbibed with natural goodness and life giving energy, can impart the most amazing esoteric amount of power to the wearer.
The practice of jade egg “wearing”, I believe is an old and divine tradition, first documented on a celebrity blog, by an amazingly spiritual person. She wears long flowing skirts and flowers in her hair, so we know she is at one with the earth.
According to her, ancient Chinese concubines wore them in ancient chinese temples, whilst doing ancient chinese slave like, prostituey things. The omniscientness of it overwhelms me just thinking of it.
If you wish to feel the power, I recomend starting with a small egg, and only using it whist laying down.
Squeeze and release.
Once you have mastered this movement, you can follow the egg and what feels right. Follow your own path, do what works. Perhaps you wish to take a page from some amazingly exotic and spiritual artists that I met in Bangkok and shoot it across the room! In fact, if you shoot your egg out of a window, it can recharge in the sunlight while you retrieve it!
Nirvana of the yoni
Once you feel that you are in control of the egg, that your yoni and your soul are one, then you can move on to what I refer to as the nirvana of the yoni – the highest level of awakening and discipline that it is possible to feel by shoving a foreign (but amazingly spiritual) body inside of your body.
A true egg consists of the world. it has every item, both spiritual and physical that is required to create life. What could be more empowering, cleansing and life giving, than placing a true (preferably fertilized) egg into your core? If a fertilized egg is too hard to come by, please at least use a free range egg.
Think of the chickens.
The power of life, the beauty, and even imperfection of nature touching you, giving you energy from the inside out.
You will of course need to take care and use your strength and control from crushing the egg. This is life, in it’s purest and most natural form.
When not in use, leave your free range fertilized egg out in the sun to charge. This practice will no doubt purify and energize your egg, as well as increase the life and organisms thriving within your sphere of life.
Nirvana of the Yoni.
you will feel the feminine power, and you will become a strong and powerful goddess, even if you may feel slightly like a chicken.
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P.S. don’t stick an egg up your doont.
I can’t believe I have to write this disclaimer…