Hello my slovenly Salamanders, do you wish you were as tidy, put together, and naturally beautiful as I am?
Do you wish you could glide effortlessly into a room and have all eyes turn to you because of your grace and beauty, not because you have two mismatched socks, toilet paper sticking out of your pants and mascara blurring the corner of your panda – like eye?
Well, my bedraggled bedbugs, while you will never be a Bambi Dollinger-Tart (there is only one of me, I am a true original beauty after all) I have compiled a quick, concise list of ways for you to hide your slobbish ways.
At least long enough to fool a few people.
People that don’t know the true you at least..
◊ Paint your toenails. Give up on the fingernails, they’ll chip two minutes after you apply them, and let’s be honest here my fractured felines, you’re not going to maintain that. Toenails however last a good deal longer. Pick a deep color that won’t show up dirt, and will hide all of your black limburger scented toe-jam.
◊ Give up on washing your hair (completely, my slippery sloths, not just wash it occasionally like you do now) I’m sure you’ve all heard this one before. Washing your hair strips the natural oils from your scalp. It makes your hair as dry and wild as a night on the town after 28 Canadian Clubs.
I hear you all now, my oleaginous otters “but when I don’t wash my hair it becomes a greasy oil slick” “the last time I didn’t wash my hair for a week I looked like Kid Rock after he got splashed with some jelly wrestling goo.” That is because you’re not committing to the no-poo lifestyle. Do not cave, and do not wash. Once you pass the greasy 90’s celebrity pervert stage, your hair will shine and glisten like a shampoo advertisement. In fact you may accidentally blind passers by on sunny days with your magical mane.
◊ Save your monthly shower for just before you emerge from your filthy lair to interact with true humans. True humans prefer the scent of soap to week old pizza cheese and burrito breath. If you’re only going to shower once, make it count, my befouled bandicoots.
◊ Deodorants, mints and headbands. Or just live online so you can chuck a filter over everything and live in your disgusting denial and 3 day old milk scented apartment.
There you go, my sickening sloths! Follow these tips to a better fake you instantly!
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