Ask the Pig: Should I Pierce My Child’s Ears?

Dear Mrs. Piggy,

I have a 6 month old baby, and I don’t know what to do about their ears.

I think that earrings on babies are totally adorable, and I really want to pierce her ears.

My husband is totally against it.  He says its mutilating her, and what happens if she doesn’t want them later.  He says it will cause her pain for no reason.

But they will look SO ADORABLE!  I’ve already bought three pairs of earrings for her, and really really want to put them on!!

Should I pierce, or not?

Please Help,

Excited Mummy, Vancouver.


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Dear Excited Mummy,

So you’ve gone on a shopping spree, and now want to justify your purchases by stabbing your child in the ears?  I say go for it!

Earrings on babies are adorable, and the sooner you get it done, the better.  If you wait too long, your baby will notice them and start tugging on those gorgeous earrings that you’ve lovingly bought her.  While earrings on bubs are pretty darn cute, giant earholes that you can fit a thumb through are not.

Eeeeewwwwwwww! Put that thing away!

If you want to dress your child up as a little doll, and change her outfit and earrings 4 times a day, you go right ahead and do it!  Why else would we mums go through the whole pregnancy/labour thing?  It’s for the customizable baby/toy we get at the end..

What I think you are really going to need help with is getting around your husband’s views…

If he was as sleep deprived as you no doubt are, I’d just suggest trying to convince him that the baby came out with holes, and you just put the earrings in to plug them up.. but chances are, he’s sleeping blissfully at night while your up with your doll/baby attached like a wet-vac you your boob. As you stare longingly at her earlobes.

Perhaps if you bribed him with sex.  But you have a 6 month old, so you’re probably covered in vomit and poop, and will fall asleep on top of him anyway..

What would most likely work with my Mr. Piggy is the old money gambit..  Show him the earrings that you’ve already bought, tell him how much they cost, then tell him you’ve lost the receipts and can’t return them.

If he’s anything like my clever husband, he’ll be insisting that you go out right now and get his darling angel’s ears painfully stabbed with a gun so that those expensive earrings won’t go to waste!

Give it a go, and good luck!

I hope this advice helps you make the right decision for your family.

Love Mrs. Piggy.

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Quiz – Are You Old?

Do you think you may be old?

If you think there’s a chance, then you probably are.

Young people know they’re young.

Like me, Skye. All I need to do is look in the mirror, or talk to one of you old people for more than a second to know that I’m not one of you doddering old fools, talking about mortgages and superannuation and steady incomes while I wait to slowly die.

If you’re still not sure if you’re an aging fossil, not long for this earth, or if you’re so old that you’ve forgotten your age, and can no longer see past your glazed over cateracts to look in the mirror, take the test below to see:

Love Skye.

0%

Someone's invited you out, but your favourite show is on, do you:

You hear a baby crying, you:

Someone says YOLO to you, you:

The WIFI's gone down! Now what?

Are You Old?
Let's Be Honest, your best friend used to be a dinosaur

You're Old. Why did you even bother taking this quiz? In fact, how did you figure out how to use this amazing magical box of electricity and internet to take this quiz? Kudos to you for being able to both understand technology enough to click, and to still have enough eyesight left to be reading this. Enjoy your last few years/minutes/seconds on this earth. Not long until you and your old buddy "GRRRMMMMUUUUMMM" the caveman are reunited on the next plane...
You're no Spring chicken, more like an Autumn Stewing Hen

You're not dead yet, so that's cause for celebration, but lets be honest here - you had to take the quiz, which means you know you're getting a bit long in the tooth (and the boob if you happen to be a lady..) You want to go and party like the kids, right until youre out partying with the kids. Then you remember that they're all morons, and you have a really nice bottle of wine, and a perfectly good TV at home. So sit on the couch and complain about the "kids these days" you've earned the right, you old bastard!
You're young, cool and hip

At least you think you are. No-one says "cool" or "hip" anymore. Try Hard.
Yes! Finally a young person! Let's get turnt.

Don't know what that means? Then get back to adulting, you don't belong here. If you're a true young person, don't waste anymore time on this stupid quiz. Go and live. You're one of the only ones that made it this far, and one of the only ones with more than a few puny years left in thier wrinkly, ageing body. GO! GO NOW, before one of the old people asks you to explain how to use thier video player (whatever the hell that is) or starts some crazy long narrative about "when I was your age"... GO!

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How to Make your House “Pinstaworthy”

Pinterest and Instagram houses.

Oh, they’re so beautiful! They’re styled and polished, they’re dust free, and modern.
Not like your filthy, mismatched jumble sale of a house.  Take a look around, past the clutter and debris.  Do you want to live like this?  Really?

Of course you don’t!  If you had the choice you would live inside the hallowed walls of instragram itself!  Shiny and new!  Your books would all be blank (and facing the wrong way anyway)

good luck finding the book you were looking for. But at least it looks good..

If you could, your entire house would look like a snowstorm covered everything in a crisp white blanket, then the pastel fairy came and vomited a few neutral tones on some strategically placed throw cushions.

short of printing up a large picture and .. taping it to the inside of your windows to fool your neighbours

Yes, pinterest is your best friend, and although you have 681 boards set up on how you want to style your living room, short of printing up a large picture of your favorite setting and taping it to the inside of your windows to fool your neighbours, you just can’t figure out how to style your house quickly, easily and cheaply.

Luckily I have devised a step by step plan to help get you the most “pinstaworthy” house on the block!

The fisrt step is to look at the pictures you want to emulate.  What is in them that you love?  What do you need in your home?

I’ll break it down for you: you want clean, tidy, minimalist, fantastic angles, and perhaps even a sneaky filter here and there.

You’ve got this, so here goes:

Clean – Instahouses don’t have anything personal in them, so throw out all of your treasured belongings.  Souveniers, gifts from the grandkids..  none of that stuff matches, so toss it all!

Your dead Aunt Agatha’s bobble head collection may be the last thing you have to remember her by, but they don’t match the cushions, so they’ve got to go!

If you are the sentimental type, you may keep one black and white photo of your family.  Posed, not having fun (unless it’s a posed ‘fake fun’ kind of photoshoot, you may possibly be able to get away with that)  After all, who needs a picture to remember your fantastic holiday, when you can have a picture of your family blankly sitting.  Just like they do in front of the TV with you every single night..

Tidy – this is just like clean.  If you have kids, the only way is to throw a blanket over the top of everything.  [soliloquy id=”3778″]

I highly recommend the use of caution tape over their doors to make it look like some sort of crime scene.   This is very effective at keeping guests out, and lets be honest, kids rooms are basically crime scenes (or in the very least hazardous waste sites) at the best of times.

If you really need to tackle this, feel free to read our instant decluttering tips.

Minimalist – Declutter, declutter! And stop buying things!  Except for wine.  You can drink that, then throw the bottles away, so that’s not clutter at all!

Fantastic angles – everyone knows the trick to taking a great photo for social media is all in the angles. I find handing all guests a pair of horse blinkers as they enter your house is a great way to ensure that they don’t see the mismatched furniture I’ve pushed off to the sides.  Otherwise if you have some unruly guests that just refuse to wear their tack, you can always just stuff all of your belongings quickly into cupboards so that people cannot see that your house is actually inhabited by real people.

“Blinkers” or “blinders” as they are commonly known are a pain to wrestle onto houseguests, but really are worth the time it takes!

Filters – Yes, pinterest and Instagram have filters to help their spaces look lovely and glossy.  Have you ever seen a scratch in a floorboard?  How about a texta mark on a child’s desk while flicking through your virtual accounts?

Have you ever seen an unscratched floorboard or an unmarked child’s anything in real life?  If you want to achieve the filtered look in your own home there are a few ways that this little styling hack can be simulated.  Firstly make the room as dark as possible – ensure all blinds are closed.  Turn your diffuser on, get yourself a smokey, misty, lemony haze in the room.  It’s actually a very little known fact, but lemon essential oil has been known to cause a slight psychedelic effect.

If you’re lucky it might just smooth the leftover crumbs right off of your unwiped coffee table.  Or have your guests seeing large spiders crawling up the walls.  Either way, they won’t notice the pile of plastic gaudily colored toys that your uncouth children insist on playing with.

Altering the perceptions of your houseguests really is an underutilized method of avoiding tidying before company

I hope these tips have helped inspire you to create the house of your dreams!  Please tell me how they work for you, and perhaps even post some photos of finished rooms to inspire others on their journey to pinstavarna!

Love Mrs. Piggy.


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Top 10 superfoods and how to Sneak them into Your Diet

By Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Hello there my Chipper Chinchillas!  We all know that we’re eating the wrong things, and living our lives the absolute wrong (and most unhealthy) way possible.

The internet says so.

But how can we change that without disrupting our chaotic busy lives?

I know that in an ideal world we would all be able to harvest fresh produce from our garden and grind it up to make homemade flour, then bread (with quinoa of course).

unfortunately… we just do not have time to age our own organic limburger

But unfortunately in this day and age, we just do not have time to age our own organic limburger, or to ferment our own kraut.

To help you out, my devoted dachshunds, I spoke to our resident health and spiritual guru Philip Guava Tapeworm.  Together we compiled a list of the top 10 superfoods that you need to eat to stay in top form, and how to sneak them into your (and any unsuspecting, but unhealthy family members) diets.

ONE: Turmeric – this stuff is amazing!  It’s full of antioxidants and is great for inflammation.  We’ve all heard of turmeric lattes, but if you can’t get to a café inhabited by hipsters, you can DIY at home.

The effective compound in turmeric is curcumin, which sadly your foolish body does not absorb well on it’s own.  To get the most out of your baby poo yellow latte, nutritionists recommend ingesting it with a fat, as well as some piperine.  In laymens terms, my gormless gorillas, add a spoonful of butter and a spoonful of black pepper to your latte and you’re good to go!

TWO: Anything fermented – kombucha, sauerkraut, yoghurt.  Theyre all winners.  What no-one bothered to tell you though, is that salami is a fermented food too!  Enjoy my carnivorous caterpillars!

THREE: Garlic – well my ravenous ravens, the word garlic should not be seen without the word bread behind it.. Eat up, my glutted gorillas!

ignore that health star rating. This is a superfood, and you should be eating at least 2 sticks a day

FOUR: Coconut oil/water/whatever!  Just look at the internet!  I think this stuff must be magic – it probably cures cancer and ADD.  Possibly even the autism! (Ok, maybe not, but apparently it’s good for blood pressure, diabetes and alzheimers to name a few)

A spoonful of oil in every meal should keep you fit as a fiddle, my corpulent camels!

Mrs. Piggy's Life Hack #11 If you mix coconut oil in with your kale while cooking it makes it easier to scrape in the bin
Check out more Life Hacks here

FIVE: Cacao – it sounds like cocoa, looks like cocoa.  Just eat some chocolate, my exhausted echidnas, you’ve come this far..

if you want to be healthy, you know what must be done..

SIX: Berries – full of antioxidants and nutrition!  easy to eat fresh, easy to blend in smoothies, and you can even get them coated in chocolate.  I mean cacao.  Two superfoods snuck into your diet in one! Bam!

SEVEN: Tomatoes – full of amazingness, but especially lycopene.  Lycopene helps prevent some cancers, helps white blood cells and is just brilliant! And guess what?  The processed stuff usually has higher levels of lycopene!  Dip your garlic bread in some tomato sauce, make yourself that fourth bloody mary!  It’s for your health, my tipsy tarantulasEIGHT: Parsley – apparently it’s really good for you (vitamin K, and A, calcium, magnesium, potassium) and it’s usually in garlic bread.. just saying..                                                   

NINE: Eggs – think aboput it, these magic little orbs have everything in them to create and sustain a life.  Get that goodness into you, my healthy humans. (Either end should work too)

TEN: Insects – so full of protein, and so sustainable for the planet!  you probably eat a few spiders and bugs while you’re sleeping, so you’ve already got this one covered. Go, you triumphant termite!

get that protien power punch into you!

Well that should do it!  Eat my top ten list of superfoods and I bet you’ll live to 100, my aging antilopes!

Happy eating, Love Bambi!

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Surprising Things You Can Put in the Dishwasher

Ah, the dishwasher, it’s a magical, mystical, amazing device.

Dirty plates go in, clean ones come out.  All while I sip on a margarita and pretend to listen to my children.

But did you know that you are probably under utilizing this amazing, time saving appliance?

There is so much that the humble dishwasher can do for you, giving you so much more free time.  Or at least giving you the smugness of knowing that you’re cleaning something that you would never ever usually clean.  You know, so that you can casually point out how sparkly your kids lego is the next time you have company over..

Anyway, chuck these things in and get yourself a drink:

  • small rubbish bins/wastebaskets – especially bathroom ones.  Who wants to scrub out earwax, old bandaid residue, and the sticky remnants of a man’s bad aim?  Seriously chuck that nastiness in your magical washing box (no, not that one, though it is self cleaning too so I’ve been told..)
    • Those spots aren’t water.. Let the dishwasher deal with the men in your lives bad aim..
  • fridge and oven shelves, microwave turntables.  Especially good if you have an extra large dishwasher, and tiny oven.  Otherwise you might just have to eat takout every night to keep your oven clean instead..
  • oh dishwasher, I love you almost as much as my liquor cabinet. Oh, and kids, and husband and stuff too I guess..
  • hairbrushes and accessories.  They get so nasty and gunky!   And that’s assuming your family is not currently infested with the devil himself’s evil miniature legion, also known as headlice (if you are in the midst of a war, we’ve got you covered with a simple, easy and chemical free way to deal with nits here)
  • [soliloquy id=”3736″]
  • kids toys – if they’re small like lego put them in a mesh bag, if they’re big like the baby doll that my toddler gave blackface to with a sharpie, just chuck it in the top shelf.
  • oops! I was wondering where that got to.. it’s dishwasher safe too though, so just chuck it all in!
  • sponges.  No they won’t melt into a gunky plastic mess… well, I don’t think so.  The internet told me it was cool… PSA here, I got lazy and haven’t tried most of the next few ‘tips’.  Google, I love you XX
  • shoes – yeah, why not… thanks again internet, because no-one has a washing machine..
  • potatoes – buy the dirty ones to save a few cents, then waste those few cents on water and electricity..
  • bath toys.  Those things get NASTY!! in fact, BRB, I’m going to chuck the kids toys in right now!  If only I could put my whole bathroom (preferably kids and all) into the dishwasher..
  • cook food in it, because there are so many people out there that own a dishwasher but are lacking an oven… umm.. go home internet, you’re drunk..
  • clean sex toys – good for a between use spruce, or fantastic if you just picked up a second-hand one from the local garage sale..
  • hubcaps, because I know a shiny hubcap is extremely high on my priority list..
  • and by far my favourite:  flavor infused vodka!  Ok internet, you have redeemed yourself.  You can go and make more cat vieos now..

There you have it!  Go get cleaning!  Or Drinking.  Or whatever.

I’m not your mum… and even if I was you probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway…

Love Mrs. Piggy

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Simple Hacks to Keep Your House Clean

Cleaning the house.  It’s one of those jobs that (some) people say you need to do.

It’s also one of those jobs that, guaranteed as soon as you do, someone will come along and undo.  Case in point, my toilet bowl.  No sooner than it is sparkling clean, one of my boys feels the need to empty the contents of his entire bowel (and possibly the dogs bowel too by the look and smell of it) directly onto the porcelain.

And if it’s not the damn kids, it’s nature doing the dirtying for you.  Dust the house, and two seconds later mother nature laughs uproaresly at your puny efforts, and blows a dust storm through your living room.

looks like mother nature’s driving a red Ford these days… The bitch.

Yeah, it sucks.  But if you want your lounge to resemble a whitewashed Instagram post, and your kitchen to look like pinterest and Kmart went and made sweet sweet love in one of Ikeas showroom bedrooms, you’ve got to do it.

Here are some of my handy hints and tips to keep your house clean with minimum fuss and effort:

  • keep cleaning products near dirty hotspots.  I have an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, so along with spare shower gel and toothpaste in each, I have multipurpose cleaner, jif, toilet cleaner, paper towel and a scourer.  That way when I’m brushing my teeth in the morning (or hiding from the toddler in the afternoon) I can do what needs to be done: wipe down the sink, give the toilet a clean, sob quietly in the corner, scrub out the shower etc.
  • get your dishwasher on schedule to suit you.  I don’t wait until its full, and I don’t wait until nighttime.  I turn my dishwasher on in the early afternoon.  That way it’s ready to unload while I’m cooking dinner.  Unload, reload, cook dinner, swear under my breath at toddler, help kids with homework, drink wine, hold conversation with Mr. Piggy, drink more wine, burn dinner, swear out loud, tell toddler to stop saying swear words… you know, all of the usual multitasking mum stuff..
  • get a large microfiber broom/Swiffer thing.  Run it across your floor every day. it takes 2 minutes, and is especially good if you have wooden floors as it gives them a light polish as you go. If there are any sticky patches, or little accidents on the floor once you’ve swept up the mess, spray the pad with some multipurpose cleaner and give it another once over.  Works every time. Well, except for the toddler.  I’m pretty sure that accident is here to stay..
  • My microfiber mop is actually nicer looking than this one, but I can’t be bothered getting up to take a photo of it, so enjoy this stock photo instead..
  • Have a designated toy room. Do not let children remove toys from that room, no matter what.  You might think this is hard to do, but it’s really not.  All you need is a big enough house, and obedient kids.  Who doesn’t have that?  Seriously guys, get your act together.
  • distill your cleaning products into trendy looking dark brown bottles and leave them laying around your house.   This has the double effect of saving you from actually having to buy ornaments and furnishings, while also giving the illusion that you do actually clean your house.
  • They just look so damn pretty, who cares if you actually use them
  • baby wipes are your friend.  Stash them around the house and use them for every fricken thing.  Dusting, spills, kids faces after they ate the dogs food, the tumbleweed of hair that you just discovered under your bed, and that other indescribable thing that you just discovered under the teenagers bed…
  • lock that bad boy up, and never let anyone inside.  That technically would also include yourself, but if you try to make minimum mess, you could probably sneak in and watch the rest of your family through the window while you sip your wine and watch Netflix.
  • just clean shit.  Yep, if it gets dirty, clean it.
  • hire a cleaner and sip a mojito while they do the work.  This one is my fave tip.  If you have a big house and a lot of kids like me, it takes the cleaner about 4 hours to clean a week.  That’s a lot of mojitos.
  • My absolute favorite cleaning hack of all time! Salud!

Enjoy, and cheers!  Love Mrs. Piggy.

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5 Simple Money Saving Tips

Ah, money. No matter what you seem to do, there’s never enough of the damn stuff.

That’s because you’re doing the wrong things.

I, Mrs. Piggy, am here to tell you what to do, buy, and make so that you can afford that extravagant purchase or that instagrammable holiday you’ve been eyeing off (though if your photoshop skills are up to snuff, just plonk a photo of yourself with a snorkel on someone elses holiday snaps, and you’ve already saved yourself a fricken fortune!)

Uncle Neville drinks a lot of ‘coffee’ so it’s basically that same as buying a latte from a café..

So, my wasteful followers, how do you save money?

  1.  Everyone knows this one DON’T BUY COFFEE! Make your own.  I know your coffee probably tastes like somebody rung out your uncle Neville’s sweaty underpants into a cup, but this could save you a lot of moola.
  2. Take your lunch to work.  This saves you some big bucks.  It’s also fantastic for those people who absolutely adore eating soggy old lettuce for 5 lunches straight.
  3. And while I’m on the food bandwagon, why don’t you meal prep?  I love the idea of only ever eating the same 5 meals for the REST OF MY FRICKEN LIFE!  I find that meal prepping saves me not just money, but it also saves me heaps of time, as it slowly saps away my imagination and creativity.  I now have so many more hours in my life to spend eating thawed quinoa smothered in an indescribable brown gravy.
  4. Don’t buy cleaning products.  Make your own from water and your sweet salty tears.  If you scrub hard enough, this will remove anything, including your will to live.
  5. Don’t pay rent.  Move back in with your parents, become a squatter, or live in a cardboard box.  Do whatever you need to do, but without that rent money coming out each fortnight, your bank balance will go up!

There you have it, my top 5 tips to saving money!  Think of me while you’re holidaying on that tropical beach XX

(I mean, I could have told you to not buy the latest IPhone, review your utility providers and see if there are cheaper alternatives, or even cancel Netflix, but where’s the fun in that?!)

  • Mrs Piggy

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Recipe: Meat Cake

CAKE IS AWESOME!

Cake for dinner is even awesomer.  Unfortunately some people look down on you for serving it as a main meal (thanks a lot child services)

Anyway, I have now devised a way for everyone (including those fussy kids) to have their cake and eat It too!  Literally! (See what I did there?)

So how do you do it?

Bad quality, high fat mince is fan-fricken-tastic in this

It’s pretty easy really, it’s basically a chunk of mince with a whole bunch of stuff mixed in shoved in the oven.  Think cake shaped meatloaf, and you’ve basically got the idea.

I usually start with my mince and veg – whatever I have on hand.

Bad quality, high fat mince is fan-fricken-tastic in this!  It’s cheap, and your cake will stew in the delicious fattiness that is full flavor while it’s cooking, then drain away when you take it out of the cake mold (see MIL, I am feeding your precious grandkids healthy food)

For this recipe I used onion, cabbage, carrot, mushrooms and eggplant, but chuck in whatever vegetables you have – in the past I’ve used pretty much anything you can think of from the veg department – even those cheap frozen pre-cubed stuff, and as long as you chop it small, and keep the ratio about 1 veg to 4 meat, youre safe from those fussy little assholes children of yours discovering your healthy secrets.

I use a silicone cake mold, because that makes me a better person than you, but of course you can use whatever mold you would like

I usually add about half a tin of lentils too – just so I can pretend to be one of those “healthy” people, and bulk out the meal cheaply (less money on food = more money for wine!)

Add a tin of tomato paste, a couple of eggs, mixed herbs, and some breadcrumbs (if you want to be ridiculously pretentious healthy, you can pre-cook some quinoa in water, then use that instead of breadcrumbs, this add adds a delicious nuttiness to your cake – oh! and makes it gluten free!! you can serve it up to that friend.  Everyone has one of those friends..)

My absolute secret ingredients, that I love beyond life itself are (not wine this time – a recipe without wine means more for my glass!) Moroccan seasoning and grated parmesan cheese.  Seriously, go nuts with the stuff.  If you think there’s enough, put 3 times that much in again.

Ok, now you just cook it. If you want to know for how long, just google it.  What am I?  A real chef?  Plus I don’t know how much of a piggy big your cake mold is.

Also, if your kitchen doesn’t look like this by now, youre doing it wrong.

Now, mash some potatoes (more cheese in here too, that stuff is magic!)

My potato and pumpkin ready to be cooked and turned into icing

You can add pumpkin or sweet potato if you want orange icing.  Then ice.

Easy, done.

Tell your kids youre eating meat cake for dinner, and serve up a slice.

Bon apetit.

# side note, you can make these as cupcakes too – I once tricked my toddler into eating them, by telling him he was tricking his dad into eating them!

Ah to be young and stupid!

Just make sure you use those thick cardboard cupcake papers, as there will be delicious fatty juices simmering in there that you’ll need to tip out of each cupcake before serving.

  • Love Mrs. Piggy
  • If you loved this recipe, you’ll love Mrs. Piggy’s healthy, delicious bolognese.
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How to Use Your Child To Get Out of Anything You Don’t Want to Do

Having children is hard, but let’s be honest, so is socializing.

Sometimes you just want to stay at home, curled up under your snuggly polar bear sized doona sipping on a hot chocolate (preferably spiked) while watching an episode of your favorite show for the seventeenth time.

If you have kids, you have a built in out!  This article is about how you can finally use your little spawn monsters for something useful!

Hooray!  If you’re anything like me, you’ve been waiting for this day for a long long loonng time!

Of course if you have children, the chances of you actually getting enough peace to drink your hot Kahlua with a touch of milk (lets be honest here) and laying peacefully still under your sloth like blanket is about nil anyway (feel free to check out some of these tips to keep the monsters out of your hair for 5 mins)

Anyway, I have compiled a list of kid branded excuses to get out of anything, from a birthday party, to work, or a dreaded dinner party with the in-laws.

Use at your own discretion:

“I’m Sorry I can’t make it, my child is”:

  • sick
  • teething
  • sleeping
  • a raging maniac when let out in public

“I’m sorry I can’t make it, my child has”:

  • head lice
  • gastro
  • no tolerance for your obnoxious child’s behavior
  • lost their voice from screaming at me all day
  • worms

“I’m sorry, I can’t make it, my child needs to”:

  • finish their homework
  • finish their chores
  • eat the broccoli on their plate that I told them they needed to finish before getting up from the table (2 days ago)
  • wash the dog, it has fleas
  • get their tonsils removed

And that’s how its done!  Use this list in good health, and good Baileys xx

Mrs. Piggy


 

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Mrs. Piggy Reviews: Kids Parties

I stand there, present in hand, nervously shaking as a loud dinosaur screeches in my ear.

The door opens and the volume goes up.  suddenly there are dinosuars (and one fairy princess) everywhere.  Roaring, screeching and wailing.  a small T-Rex begins violently yanking the present from my nervous hands, while the spinosuarus I birthed 8 years ago dashes past me roaring loudly, but completely ignoring the birthday monster (I mean dinosaur) standing at the front entrance.

T-Rex manages to get ahold of the present and runs off with what must have been about 700 hurricane making dinosaurs, leaving me shaken and shell shocked standing by myself in the doorway.

I peer inside the house nervously.  would it be acceptable to cut and run now?  I’m sure T-Rexy’s mum will notice my kid has arrived before he decides to go on a neighbourhood dinosaur rampage..  maybe I’d better say hi, just in case.

Hello!?  I call out as I step into the crepe papered jungle.  A green streamer tickles the back of my neck as what sounds like a triceratops being BBQued alive wails eerily in the empty hallway.

I step over a mountain of discarded wrapping paper, noting a scrunched up piece of the ridiculously expensive wrap I spent approximately 3 hours taping around the birthday boys pretentious present off his pretentious gift registry.

I turn a corner and see what must be a life sized brontosaurus with its head sticking out a window.

 

Still no adults.  Or little dinosaurs for that matter.

“Hello?”  I call again.

A scream.

It came from out the back.  I head through to the door.

I take a quick look around, two adults dressed in khacky green dinosaur suits.  Are they the parents?

three fights, one crying toddler… but no other tall people

I look the other way, three fights, one crying toddler, what looks like an upturned bowl of something brown and gooey, but no other tall people.

I look back to the dinosaurs.  one is clutching a beer bottle like his life depended on it, the other is looking from one child to the next with a look of abject terror on her face.

Yep they’re the parents.  A twinge of sympathy comes over me.  giant themed party with only two adults.  Rookie mistake.

Maybe I should stay and help them.  A loud and familiar scream pierces my ears, and my little spinosorous runs past holding something that looks suspiciously like a childs asthma puffer.

Nope, I’m out of here.

I wave towards the beer holding dinosaur, he’s my best bet for a quick escape.

I point from my young dinosaur progeny to my watch.  “Got to go”  I mouth.  “back at 5.”

Then before beerosauraus can start lumbering towards me I turn tail and run as fast as I can.

 

Kids parties, the first few minutes are a mixture of fear and adrenaline, but then you get to abandon even your own children and go to the bar for a few hours.

✯✯✯✯

4 stars.

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