QUIZ – Do You Drink Too Much?

Drinking, whether it’s day drinking, social drinking or blackout drunk drinking, it’s all fun and games until someone ends up jumping off the roof on a dare..

Or is that just my family gatherings, and daredevil grandma?

Nan-nan: “Do you double dare me?”

If you’re not sure if you’re hitting the bottle a little too much, or if you just want justification to drink a bit more, take out quiz below and see!

Do you have kids?

Did you have to go to work today?

Did you see anybody other than your reflection in the mirror today?

Are you unconscious?

Do You Drink Too Much?
POUR YOURSELF ANOTHER DRINK, YOU'VE EARNED IT!
You had to deal with people today. Whether they were miniature ones you made yourself, or the grown variety in an office, the store, or even worse, people in a social situation. In your case, there is no such thing as drinking too much! Pour yourself a double and hide under the blanket. You've earned it!
WHAT? YOU'VE HAD JACK ALL HUMAN INTERACTION ALL DAY?
Well, I'm jealous! On the plus side though, that means more booze for you! You have no-one to steal your drinks, and no-one to tell you that you drink too much. Guess that means that you don't drink too much, so crack another one and enjoy the peace!

Share your Results:

Like this quiz?

How about sharing your results on facebook?

Or checking out a few of our other quizzes

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error

Recipe: Poultry Cuts Smothered in Herbs and Grain Flakes, Boiled in Olive Juice

Ah, food, one of the most fundamental and necessary necessities of life.
It nourishes and sustains us.

If done right it can tittalate our senses and tease our tastebuds.  If done wrong it can tighten our wastebands and taunt our reflections.

Thats where this delicious recipe comes in!

Who would like some Poultry Cuts smothered in Herbs and Grain Flakes, Boiled in Olive Juice?

Me!

And the kids!  This is definitely one of those elusive recipes that your kids will actually eat!

Are you ready for it?

Keep scrolling…

Here you go:

Photo by Aleks Dorohovich on Unsplash
Photo by Aleks Dorohovich on Unsplash

Mmmmm… KFC…

Plus think of all of the cooking and washing up time you’ll save!

These delicious poultry cuts even come with a side of Frizzled Pommes Frites too!

P.S. we are not affiliated with the Kernel in any way, his food is just delicious (though if he wants to give us some bribe advertising money, we’re up for it!)

Read more of Mrs. Piggy’s recipes here (some of them are actually proper and delicious recipes, we promise!)

Like Mrs. Piggy’s famous meat cake!  Click here, you won’t be disappointed!

See more of Mrs. Piggy’s genius advice here

Meet our fantastic team!

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error

How to Store The One Hundred Gazillion Soft Toys Your Child Has But Never Plays With

It’s a fact of life, if you have children, your house will be completely and utterly overrun by squashy, fluffy, adorable looking, slobber catching, germ infested, matted with indescribable brown muck soft toys.

This monster is actually too big for this hack, but I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell the person that bought this for my kids that I HATE YOU!

What was originally the one adorable snuggle that you couldn’t resist buying before your darling babe slid out of your uterus is now a menagerie of toys, animals, made up animals, and weird shapes that are supposed to resemble catballs (I think.. that’s my best guess)

meow (I think)

There is no longer room for your child on their bed because a filthy unwashed (seriously, how much of a hassle is it to wash and dry these things?) hoarde of dustmite nests have moved in.

Even worse is when mice invade your home, gnaw through half of the toys and make nests with the stuffing under your child’s bed..

Nice soft toys you’ve got there.. Be a shame if someone were to chew half it’s head off and crawl inside of it…

What?  Yeah, that never happened to me either.. I was just saying that it would really suck if it did…

Lets be honest though, none of you are washing these dusty balls of fluff on a weekly basis – and if you are, in my (un)educated opinion I’m pretty sure you need a new hobby and a drink or two!

The best way to deal with this mess, is so simple, easy, and relatively cheap!

With this simple hack your children still have access to all of their loved toys, but even better, I can guarantee that within 1 week they will lose interest in pulling them out and creating chaos in your beautiful, tidy, pinterest worthy house!

Out of sight, out of mind!

It’s quite simple really, all you need is a beanbag case, and voila!  Instant beanbag without those horrible beads!

Get the kids loading it up, while you pour yourself a wine!

As an added bonus, this makes your beanbags easily washable!  Just take out animals and wash(wash the animals too if you still haven’t found yourself a good hobby)

The one thing that I hate the absolute most about beanbags is those clingy, lighter than air, defies the laws of physics white filler beans!  Now I ca be rid of those beans of the devil once and for all!

I think they like it (or like tackling each other until one of them screams like a banshee) who knows..

 

Want to read some more of Mrs.  Piggy’s genius ideas?  Click here

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error

How to Store Christmas Decorations

Well, that’s it, Christmas is over once again.

That means it’s that dreaded time.  The time to take down the tree.

farewell my pretty

The presents are all gone, the paper tossed away. The kids have even lost or broken half of their Christmas presents already, yet your old, faithful tree is still standing quietly in the corner waiting for you to tuck it away in that dark old cupboard for 11 more months (that actually sounds like bliss – add a bottle of white and a guarantee that the kids can’t find me, and the tree’s going to have a roomie this year!)

It’s quick, easy, and saves you so, so much time

Here’s where our Christmas bauble storage hack comes in!
It’s quick, easy, and saves you so, so much time (that you can then spend with a margharita or two, instead of fighting those tangled, evil lights from hell)

I’m sure you’ve heard of many different Christmas bauble hacks over the years, but none are quite like ours.

There’s the shoebox hack (but then where would I put my shoes?! A girls got to have priorities)

There’s the readymade, store bought, especially made for Christmas baubles box hack. But seriously wheres the fun in that?

Why buy, when you can make yourself (with $300 worth of craft supplies and multiple swear words)?

Of course, theres the just gladwrap your whole tree and put it away for next year trick (but if you did that, you’d miss out on the fights fun of decorating the tree with your family the next joyous holiday season)

I found this at www.awesomejelly.com, you should probably check them out so they don’t sue me or anything!

So here it is, my Piggies, my Christmas bauble storage hack in all its glory!

Step 1 to, step whatever.. find manky old cardboard box with questionable stains on lid, then add Christmas junk and you’re done.

Phew! I think you’ve earned yourself a drink!

You’re Welcome my Piggies!
Now go forth and remove any trace of the fat man from your house!

Love Mrs. Piggy

Think Mrs. Piggy is a bit of a genius?  You’re no the only one, she does too!  Check out some of her brilliant advice to people in need here

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error

Kid Craft: Firework Cards – Maximum Impact, Minimum Effort

Kids and craft go hand in hand, just like Gorillas and flinging poo.  They love it, it keeps them occupied, and everyone has a great time!  Well except for the poor sucker that has to clean it all up.

You guessed it, that zookeeper person is going to be you!  And this gorgeous, Pinterest worthy project requires glitter!

Mr Gorilla, fling the poo if you must, but PUT DOWN THE GLITTER!!

If you still haven’t run for the hills, let me tell you a bit more about what we’re doing.

They’re gorgeous, easy, cheap and you can pump them out in minutes, because let’s be honest, your kids will make 2, and you’ll be stuck making the other 18 of them!

As an added bonus, if you’ve left the Christmas card gig a bit too late, you can go ahead and call them New Years cards.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Bam!  instead of being a slacker who doesn’t get their cards out on time, you are now a trendsetter, celebrating the New Year with a bang!

Follow our easy AF guide to get those stupid things that you wish you’d never started made and out of your house in no time (I mean the firework cards, I think you’re stuck with the kids sorry)

Start with black cardstock, and lay them down on an old tablecloth – trust me, you want something on underneath these!

Get the kids to drizzle glue over them, then shake sparkly confetti and glitter on top.

Once the kids lose interest and start fighting over the fluff one of them just picked out of their belly button, you can go ahead and just draw huge lines of glue over the whole row, then sprinkle to your hearts content.  You’re pretending your kids did it anyway, so no need to be pretty or precise with your workmanship!

Think of yourself as a one man factory procession line, pumping these bad boys out! Also, ignore the kids, they’re probably just gluing the cat to the dog ATM..

We used these cards as little information notes for the body bars I made but pretended that my kids did as gifts.

Get crafty my Piggies and have fun!  And don’t forget to show us some photos of your finished product on Facebook or Pinterest!

Read more of Mrs.Piggy’s tips here!

Check out the Pimp My Pigsty Team, and see what we’re all about.

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error

How to Fit More into Your Day

When did life get so damn busy and complicated?

One minute we were playing with lego and fantasizing about being a grown up and being able to eat cake for dinner (I’ve actually figured out how to do this with minimal guilt and heart attacks) and the next minute we grew up.

Now all we have is a list of things we need to do as long as the bubble gum tape that we used to love, and no damn time!

Now that’s a chore list I can get behind!

How can we be more productive and get more done you ask.

Simple, follow my foolproof tips below:

  1. coffee
  2. vodka
  3. even better, espresso martini
  4. GET OFF YOUR PHONE!  You’re on it now aren’t you?  Go on, get up.

Reward yourself with a martini after each chore you complete.  Your list will get shorter, or you’ll stop caring about your list.  Whatever works for you.

cheers! and get back to work..

Cheers!

Mrs. Piggy.

                  

Read some more of Mrs. Piggy’s famous Life Hacks here

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error

Christmas Gift Guide For Children – hints for people who don’t have thier own little terrors

Christmas.  The time for joy, love peace and cheer.

Unless you have children, then it’s the time for bribery, threats, sugar highs, and presents.

Oh my God, the presents!

Being a mother of 4 (or is it 5, I can’t remember) I always get asked by my non zookeeper/childwrangling frineds and family what toys and presents are appropriate for the little monsters.

So I thought I’d write this super handy list.  This is a NO list, a list of things I DO NOT WANT IN MY HOUSE! And it is especially for you lucky bastards childless people out there who are as yet unaware of how insane children’s toys can actually be…

‘And then his grandparents gave him seven candy canes, three chocolates, and a whistle before sending him back home’

If you’ve got kids, show this article to your family.  Tag your friends, leave it open on the shared computer, hell print it out and wallpaper your ‘cool’ childless siblings room with it if you need to.

Trust me.

** Obviously you can take this list any way you like.. if you genuinely hate the parents of the kids your buying for, go right ahead and buy everything on the list! I guarantee you’ll have your mortal enemy sobbing silently in the corner before New Years Day.

  1. Battery operated ‘noisy’ toys.  You know the ones, they say 5 phrases on repeat, or play one song continuously as soon as someone even breathes in the same room as it.  The toys usually say something like “educational” on the packet, but I can guarantee you that the only thing my child will be learning if The evil thing is in my house is that their parents know a lot of swear words.
  2. One or two toys from a ‘collection.’  Why would you do that to us?  Now my lovely little princess won’t stop talking/nagging/whining about getting the other 768 LOLhatchsquishmuffins, or whatever the hell those tiny, useless bits of plastic are.  Plus the small ones hurt like a bitch if you step on them.

    I mean, what are theses things? Does anyone know?
  3. Speaking of stepping on them,  Beading kits.  My Tweeny Twiny Twat head will make exactly three bracelets.  One for her, one for her best friend, and one for me.  Then the rest of the beads will be joyously scattered from one end of the house to the other, finding tiny crevices to get stuck in for eternity, or just chillin in the middle of the floor, waiting for my bare delicate foot at 3 o clock in the morning…

    Just like glitter, once these beads are in your house, they are there to stay.. Forever..
  4. Messy ‘board games.’ Whatever happented to good old ‘trouble’?  It only had handful of pieces, even the dice was enclosed so that my creative kids couldn’t remove it and create Some sort of violent, destructive weapon from it.  No, nowadays kids have games like “Pieface” and “Doggy Doo”  Am I going to tell you about these games?  No. Because they seem fun and hilarious – and they are, as long as you’re not the one cleaning diarrhoeal dog poo off the curtains, and pie cream out of the toddler who hates having bath’s hair.  And ear.  And nose.

    Looks tidy, right? There will definitely not be pie like handprints on the black suede sofa..
  5. Experiences that you expect us to come along to.  If we wanted to take our zoo to another zoo, we would just take our zoo to another zoo.  What we want is for you to take the monkeys, feed them, wear them out, then bring them back, (preferably asleep) all by yourselves.  Also it wouldn’t hurt if you left a bottle of wine for us when you went..

    Aww.. how sweet! Except that the second after this photo was taken, I bet the child decided he actually wanted to eat that apple himself, so he scaled the fence and attempted to wrestle it out of the deers mouth

There you go. Also don’t buy them lollies, buy me lollies – or better yet lolly infused vodka.

Happy Christmas shopping my Piggies!

Love Mrs. Piggy.

Thinking about taking the plunge, and having kids of your own?  Check out Mrs. Piggy’s advice on the subject here.

Do you like not having kids, and enjoy weird things like having spare time to do useless Facebook quizzes instead of wiping snotty noses?  How about finding out if you have the soul of an old timer?  Or seeing how healthy you are.

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error
Bambi Dollinger-Tart with a small selection of her makeup

Beauty Tips from Yesteryear – The Secrets Your Grandmothers Swore by

That they took to the grave with them.
Bitches.

Hello my glamorous gerbils.
Have you tried all of the latest fashion trends? Have you contoured your contours, highlighted your hairlines, and rubbed coconut oil all over your body until your as smooth, slick and slimy as a hagfish hurtling away from whatever likes to eat hagfish?

I don’t think anything would want to eat a hagfish TBH

Have you scoured the internet? Pinned ideas, saved links and shared tips with your equally glossy friends?
But you’re still ugly.
What went wrong? You copied the tutorials, injected the fillers and grouted over the skin folds, yet here we are.
Still wanting for more.
Still trying to find that one magic thing that will make you as glamorous and beautiful as me those classic photos of your grandmother.

I’m so pretty, even with my natural, windblown hair..

Well here we go, my vain velociraptors, I’m here to tell you the secrets of ye’ olden days.

How did they look so beautiful and smooth? How did they keep their looks and style through wars, depression, and most amazingly through lack of internet?

Tip 1 Cover your entire body and fool men into thinking ankles are sexy. Who cares how many stretch marks, wrinkles or fat folds you have on your upper thigh if no-one ever sees them.

Even a tablecloth or doona cover will do, as long as all flesh and fat folds are covered.. as an added bonus, you could probably fit a 6 pack of donuts in there too!

Tip 2 Olive oil. Not coconut oil. Who wants to smell like a chocolate crackle minus the chocolate, when they could smell like a nice roast lamb? Rub it everywhere my greasy geckos. It’s fantastic for hair, as a moisturizer, and even comes in spray bottles at the supermarket so you can get a nice even coat super fast!

Have at it, my pimply porcupines! And make yourself a salad while you’re at it. Your thighs will thank you (and me!)

Tip 3 Invest in a really old camera that won’t take a clear enough photo of the wrinkles. Then just tape that to your head and voila! Or snapchat filters… turns out women of all generations have figured out this beauty hack!

Mrs. Piggy’s already all over this one! A bit of a filter, a few snapchat stickers and you’re instantly beautiful! Oh, also click her if you want to see more of her stuff..

Tip 4 Don’t read (or look at at a phone or computer) it’s a tough ask I know, but a small price to pay to save yourself from those hideous forehead wrinkles. There’s definitely something to be said for the old ways of women being kept in their place and not being allowed to learn.

Tip 5 Be so ridiculously poor that you can’t afford food.  Who can be overweight, my skinny skylarks, if you have to share your one and only bread roll between yourself and seven children?

Share that with the fam, and still manage to gain weight, I dare you!

There, my haughty hamsters, you too can be as amazing and beautiful as myself your great great great grandmothers.

Now please, don’t take this information to the grave with you as those old bitches did.  Pass this information far and wide! Be a part of the sisterhood, not apart from the sisterhood!

Love Bambi Dollinger-Tart.

Read more articles by Bambi here

Take our health and fitness quiz and see if you know your stuff (it’s really short and simple, in case you’re actually a bit of a dumb-ass)

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error

An Idiots Guide to Meal Prepping

Life is hard isn’t it?

Whether you work full time just to pay your rent, are a working parent, stay at home mum, or lazy, pot smoking cousin that still lives with their parents, finding the time to prepare healthy, delicious meals 3 times a day is damn hard work!

That’s where meal prepping comes in.  Do a giant cook-up, freeze your portions, then eat the same meal for 3 years straight.  Sounds good right?

If you’re new to the whole meal prepping lifestyle (make no mistake, it is a lifestyle choice) then this is the place for you!

Here it is my piggies, a meal prepping guide for idiots beginners:

trust me!

You’re welcome.

Love Mrs. Piggy

Read more of Mrs. Piggy’s tips, tricks and advice here


 

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error

How to Hide the Fact that you are Actually a Sloth Masquerading as a Human

Hello my slovenly Salamanders,  do you wish you were as tidy, put together, and naturally beautiful as I am?

Do you wish you could glide effortlessly into a room and have all eyes turn to you because of your grace and beauty, not because you have two mismatched socks, toilet paper sticking out of your pants and mascara blurring the corner of your panda – like eye?

I willingly admit to using a few beauty enhancers, but even without my little ‘tricks’ I’m still a natural beauty that you could only wish to be

Well, my bedraggled bedbugs, while you will never be a Bambi Dollinger-Tart (there is only one of me, I am a true original beauty after all) I have compiled a quick, concise list of ways for you to hide your slobbish ways.

At least long enough to fool a few people.

pure grace and class like mine is something that cannot be taught. Though with the right guidance, it may be ‘faked’

People that don’t know the true you at least..

◊ Paint your toenails.  Give up on the fingernails, they’ll chip two minutes after you apply them, and let’s be honest here my fractured felines, you’re not going to maintain that.  Toenails however last a good deal longer.  Pick a deep color that won’t show up dirt, and will hide all of your black limburger scented toe-jam.

 

cover that nastiness up you disgusting slob!

◊ Give up on washing your hair (completely, my slippery sloths, not just wash it occasionally like you do now)  I’m sure you’ve all heard this one before.  Washing your hair strips the natural oils from your scalp.  It makes your hair as dry and wild as a night on the town after 28 Canadian Clubs. 

I hear you all now, my oleaginous otters “but when I don’t wash my hair it becomes a greasy oil slick”  “the last time I didn’t wash my hair for  a week I looked like Kid Rock after he got splashed with some jelly wrestling goo.”  That is because you’re not committing to the no-poo lifestyle.  Do not cave, and do not wash.  Once you pass the greasy 90’s celebrity pervert stage, your hair will shine and glisten like a shampoo advertisement.  In fact you may accidentally blind passers by on sunny days with your magical mane.

my eyes!

◊ Save your monthly shower for just before you emerge from your filthy lair to interact with true humans.  True humans prefer the scent of soap to week old pizza cheese and burrito breath.  If you’re only going to shower once, make it count, my befouled bandicoots.

◊ Deodorants, mints and headbands. Or just live online so you can chuck a filter over everything and live in your disgusting denial and 3 day old milk scented apartment.

There you go, my sickening sloths!  Follow these tips to a better fake you instantly!

Love Bambi!

If you need some tips on how to fake your house as well as yourself, Mrs.Piggy has outdone herself with this article on how to make your house look like an Instagram and Pinterest love-child.

Want to learn more about our beautiful, vivacious Bambi Dollinger-Tart? Click here! 

 

Read more of Bambi’s genius articles here

 

 

You should deffs follow us and share our shit:
error